I am here and I am alive :) The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to get in the mood to write. I wish I had lots to say, but I honestly can't come up with much of anything at all to say.
I am not doing well. Physically, I've healed from my surgery. The scar doesn't bother me at all. The loose and puckered skin does, but there is nothing I can do about that. I haven't gone to my six-week post-op visit yet, so I don't know if my thyroid hormones are still normal. I am just really hoping that everything is normal and I don't need medication.
Mentally, I am so angry at myself for completely letting myself go in the summer when my headache started. My non-stop headache for four months gave me an excuse to eat and not exercise. I just couldn't focus on anything when my head was hurting, and I made myself feel better by eating junk. And moving around a lot made it worse, so I was the least active I'd been in a long time.
By the time I got my tooth extracted (effectively killing my headache) I had developed horrible habits that I'm still having a hard time changing. My weight is higher than it's been in probably three years, maybe longer--167. In August, it was 145.
[Because I'm sure someone will mention it, I'm 99% sure that my thyroid had nothing to do with the weight gain. It was my bad eating habits for sure. No excuses there.]
I need to make a plan. I'm miserable at this size, which I know sounds ridiculous considering I used to be like eight sizes larger than this, but I just do not feel good in my own skin. I'm a lot saggier than I was when I was running regularly, which is making me want to start running again. I would be a REAL beginner again--only 15 years older than last time, hahaha.
My clothes don't fit and thrift stores are now very expensive so I'm resisting buying clothes--and holding out hope I can lose enough weight to get back into my wardrobe soon.
Needless to say, I am not happy with myself right now. My psychiatrist just added a medication to hopefully help with this stubborn episode of depression. I don't think I've had an episode like this since before my bipolar diagnosis in 2017.
I would end this with promises of writing again soon, but clearly I cannot hold myself to that! I will definitely try though. I really want to write a plan of action to get my life back on track. We've had mild weather for the last couple of days (after tons of snow and ice and miserable cold all winter) so I am hoping that the change in weather will help my mood, too!
Hey friend. Don't be so hard on yourself. As you said, you were miserable with 4 months of nonstop headaches! You did what you had to do to survive.
ReplyDeleteStart with really really small and easy steps. Reread Atomic Habits! You loved that book. Reread your post on motivation versus committment. Really, reread any of your own old posts when you were succeeding and let your former self coach you.
Shame benefits no one. Be kind to yourself. there is zero benefit to doing otherwise. xoxox
I totally agree with Abby. Beating yourself up accomplishes nothing. You know you can get back to where you want to be. I know it too. Now let's do it. We are here cheering you on.
Deletehi - not sure if this will get to you as I've had trouble posting here - just wanted to say I've checked a few times to see how you were doing and appreciate the update. I FEEL FOR you. I broke my patella a few weeks ago and had surgery last week and it's been hard. I can't walk, use crutches, and mainly get around in a wheelchair and it's all difficult as I' used to being so independent. Hugs and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteDepression is definitely a chore to get through. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is life. You are not alone. Maybe getting back into writing, having"community" will be a step forward. Because honestly so many of us are in the same boat.
ReplyDeleteI love Abby's advice. over the past 18 months I've lost 60 pounds and started walking 6 days a week. I'm 6-8 pounds from my goal of 144 and I've stuck. I've lost some of my determination and hope the nice weather spatks my motivation again. I'm so sorry to hear about your challenges but you've always been a bright spot in my day when I read your posts so I choose to see this as a gentle nudge to get me back on track. I hope you find yours as well. you're a special person, Katie!
ReplyDeleteJust to say I'm sorry you're struggling. We have all been there. You've come back before. Posting now (and including your current weight!) is incredibly brave and a good sign that you're ready to focus. Good luck and I hope you will share some of the journey with us.
ReplyDeleteHugs, and we love hearing from you, however you are doing and however often you feel you want to. You have been through a lot, so don’t beat yourself up. It is good to hear you are thinking about ways to feel better!
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear from you! Thanks for checking in. You are so very, utterly, and totally human. No advice here, just lots of love and a bug hug.
ReplyDeleteOops. BIG hug. I mean, only bugs want bug hugs. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHi Friend!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to remind you that you have so much support here. I've been following you for quite some time, and I can't tell you enough how much you inspire me—and so many others. The connection you have with your readers is genuine, and that’s why we keep coming back for every new post. When we read about your experiences, we feel like we’re not alone.
Your passion for running, weight loss, writing, and your craftiness continue to motivate me, especially when I fall off track. It’s comforting to know that others are experiencing similar struggles, whether it’s with health or personal challenges. Please remember: you're not alone. Don’t be hard on yourself. You, my friend, are exceptional.
Hello! Baby steps, you can do this, you did it before...no rush
ReplyDeleteHey, don't be hard on yourself. You've had a heck of a go since last summer, and you actually have done really well when you think about the challenges. Start small, and don't look at the "Big Goals". One day at a time, one choice at a time. You've got this!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your psychiatrist is changing things up for treating depression. I know how it is to get motivated. I recently had to take inventory of what was working in my life and what wasn't. One thing I hope you realize is you are just as valued a person at any weight and deserve to wear clothes that fit- my husband gained some weight and squished himself into his old workout clothes like a sausage and I finally hid them and bought him new ones because he wouldn't buy new ones- like he was punishing himself. We ALL are worthy of good-fitting clothes! Thinking of you. Depression is not fun.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a truly terrible few months. It's only natural things aren't 100%. Try to add something positive to each day and see where it goes from there. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks for updating us! You don't have to update us, but you did and those of us who follow regularly appreciate it. As Abby above said, small steps! You have an army rooting for you on the internet and in real life. Sorry life just stinks sometimes, your feelings are valid. Be in the feels if you need! You are an inspiration to many! Your authentic perspective is brave and I appreciate that about you.
ReplyDeleteYou've been through a hard time and did what you needed to at the time to cope, even if it wasn't the healthiest. I get migraines and can not even imagine having a headache that lasted for months. Comparing yourself to where you were 6 months ago, you may feel heavy and out of shape, but the reality is you're still relatively fit. And as they say, comparison is the thief of joy. We all do it, but I know you'd never be as hard on someone else in your family as you are on yourself. When you're 90 years old you'd give anything to be back in the body you're in now. Hope some of this helps. Hugs
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Sounds like you have had a long stretch of misery and discomfort. I applaud you for taking care of yourself. I found your blog many, many, many years ago because I was struggling with my own weight and was a beginning runner. I have used many of your training plans in the past. For one thing, you are worth a whole lot more than the number on a scale. Your weight does not define you. You are an inspiration for all the things you have gone through and triumphed over. You sharing your struggles with your mental health is what kept me reading. Now I am older than you but after years of running (I ran with a group called Moms on the Run), I am coming to the conclusion that my season as a runner might be over for me. I ran for years by myself and with the group but then joined Orangetherory. I love it and I have been in the OT season for awhile now. I still ran many of the treadmill blocks but after a knee injury, then a foot problem, I am ok with being a powerwalker. Walking those inclines pushes my heart rate and builds a muscular booty! Remember that no one thing defines us! Some seasons end and another one will begin.
ReplyDeleteHi Katie, I have been reading your blog for years and love your writing and how honest you are in sharing the ups and downs of your life. I can sincerely relate to your struggles. Seems like the good news is that you have come out of the headaches and surgery and are physically doing better in many ways? I really hope you feel better soon because you seem like a lovely, down to earth person and deserve happiness:).
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