November 02, 2019

In Remembrance of Mark

If you've been reading my blog for a while (since before 2014), then you are familiar with a family friend named Mark. I used to write about him on Halloween, because that was the only time I ever saw him.

When I was growing up, my family and I lived in a very small town and my dad owned an auto shop. While he was working, he'd see a man walking around the town daily, usually smoking a cigarette, and always by himself. When my dad introduced himself, he learned that the man's name was Mark and that he lived in a men's group home in town.

The group home was for men who had mental disabilities of different sorts; Mark was intellectually disabled (I later learned that he wasn't born that way; he was run over by a car when he was about eight years old).

My dad took a fondness to Mark, while seeing him walk every day, and he offered him a job in the auto shop (just doing things like sweeping the floor). He was difficult to understand when he spoke, so communicating with him was always a little challenging for me--kind of like talking to a two year old, where you catch a few words here and there.

In Remembrance of Mark

Anyway, my dad offered to take Mark fishing with him, and so once in a while, my dad would pick him up from the home and they'd go out on the boat to fish. Mark LOVED getting out of town and doing something different, no matter what it was. He didn't have any family (that we knew of) and nobody visited him at the home except for my dad.

Mark said that his birthday was on Halloween, so my dad started picking him up every Halloween to spend the afternoon and evening with us--we'd have cake and sing happy birthday, and give him a couple of gifts. Mark was the most grateful person I've ever met--and I am not exaggerating. If you asked him what kind of cake he'd like, he'd reply, "Oh, any old thing!"



After that, we'd sit in the driveway with a little campfire while passing out candy to kids. It was always my favorite holiday because I loved the tradition of Mark's birthday. He was so happy and grateful and excited to be there that it was truly contagious.



Anyway, in November 2013, Mark was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It had spread all over his body, and hospice care would have been the most humane thing to do for him. Actually, my parents wanted to sign him into hospice care and bring him to their house for his remaining time.

Suddenly, a nephew appeared out of nowhere, and all of Mark's decisions were passed onto him. This was a huge disappointment to us--even though we weren't his family, we were the only ones to see him for years! He knew us and cared about us. And he really wanted to go home with us.

However, his nephew decided to have Mark undergo chemotherapy and radiation in the hospital, and be transferred to a nursing home. You know how many times he went to visit the nursing home in the four months Mark was there? Zero.

My dad and I pretty much alternated days of the week to go visit so that Mark would have a visitor every day. There wasn't much to talk about, but he liked having someone there. I liked to spoil him with whatever he was craving; Long John Silver's, McDonald's milkshakes, fancy coffee from Starbucks (the only coffee he'd ever had was the instant kind that you mix with hot water).






And you... I asked for people to send him postcards from all over, and I can't even tell you how grateful I am for the response. He got probably about 700 cards in the mail! Whenever I'd go to the nursing home, I'd pick up his mail from the P.O. Box, which was overflowing, and then I would read the cards to him (Mark couldn't read, but he loved the pictures).





This nurse's aide ran out of room on the wall to put his cards, so she spent all this time stapling them to his curtain! How wonderful is she?!



Some people sent him money, which I set aside for him to do something with when he'd like. He got several gift cards for McDonald's, which was super helpful when I got him shakes. His favorite was a strawberry milkshake.


As he declined in health, and I visited more and more frequently, I really got to know him. I used to think of him as just someone who visited each Halloween, and I never really took the time to have conversations with him (like I said, it was hard to understand him). However, I was picking up more and more of what he was saying.

One time, we had a serious conversation about what was happening with him--that he was going to Heaven to see his parents and his brother (his parents died when he was a young child, and his brother died while Mark was still in the group home).

He used to tell me he was going "home"--not just "home", but "HOME home"--meaning Heaven. And when we had this conversation, he started crying (which of course made me start crying) and he told me that he was scared. I told him it was okay to be scared and I just tried to listen and validate those feelings. Of course he was scared!

He had some really great nurses (and some no-so-great); the nice ones would hang up his cards or read some cards to him. He would always gesture to his cards on the wall to anybody that would listen and say, "Look how many people care about me! I got all these people that care about me!"

And I think the nurses were impressed that he had hundreds of cards ;)

The radiation had shrunk the tumor on his spine enough to allow him to walk with a walker for a short period. At that time, I asked him what he'd like to do with the money people had sent--he had a couple of hundred dollars! He thought about it and decided he wanted to have a party for the men at his group home, including pizza and cake. With the leftover money, he wanted to get a gift for each of them.

That's how big his heart was.

We made the party happen. I ordered pizza and a cake that was very "Mark" (he loved fishing and life):


I bought individual gifts for all the men in the home, based on their interests. And Mark was SO EXCITED to get to go home to the residents and see everybody. Including their dog ;)






All he wanted, more than anything in the world, was to go home. Anywhere but the hospital or the nursing home! When he was getting very ill toward the end, and his nephew still wasn't really in the picture, we asked again about signing him into hospice care. But again, his nephew showed up and said that he planned to take Mark home for the last few days of his life.

This was my very last picture of Mark, just before he left to go to his nephew's house:


I was very disappointed, but I didn't give up on him. My mom, dad, and I went to visit Mark one last time at Mark's nephew's home. I can't help but think of how unhappy he seemed there. His wheelchair was parked in front of the TV, and Mark really didn't enjoy that. He loved the outdoors, and I would have loved to take him out for walks in his chair.

When it was time for us to go (and I don't know if I ever wrote about this), I just had a feeling it would be the last time I'd see him. I gave him a hug and said, "It's time to go "home home" soon. I'm glad I got to spend time with you. I love you." And when I said "I love you", I saw a brightness pop into his eyes--it was a real, physical change in his face and his eyes. Indescribable.

It instantly made me realize that he probably had never heard those three little words before, other than from his parents when he was little, or maybe his brother decades prior. I'm so glad those were the last three words I said to him that day, because a few days later, Mark went "home home", taking his last breaths at his nephew's house. I'd hoped to be there, but his nephew didn't let us know that it was happening.

For Mark's funeral, I made booklets of all the cards Mark received from you all. I placed them around the funeral home for others (especially Mark's nephew and his family) to see how well-loved Mark was. I also printed off every picture I could find of Mark over the years and I made boards to display them.

His nephew's family wasn't happy about it, and they said some harsh words about why there weren't pictures of him with his family. I posted the few that I had from the day that his nephew signed the papers in the hospital at Christmastime. But that was all I had!

At his funeral, I spoke of the cards he got and how so many people cared about him. I said that his heart was so full of joy from total strangers. And I told the story of how he wanted to spend his money--a party for the guys at the group home with pizza and cake.

It was funny--at the funeral home, Mark's birthday was listed as November 1, 1955. All the years (decades) that we'd known him, and he always told us his birthday was on Halloween. And we never really knew how old he was--I think he said 50 for three years in a row once, and 55 a couple of times. I don't think he was sure.

At his death, we learned he was 59 and his birthday was a day later than he thought. I'm sure he just remembered Halloween being associated with his birthday and assumed it was the same day :)

Since his death, Halloween hasn't been quite the same. We stopped going to my parents' house, because it just didn't feel right. I still think of Mark every Halloween, and once in a while my family will get McDonald's strawberry milkshakes in his honor.

Mark was just special--which is a completely inadequate word, because there isn't a word to really do it justice. He loved everyone and never complained a day in his life. He even thanked the nurses who came in to poke him with shots and take his blood. (Yes, even the mean nurses!)

I can't end this without mentioning that there are SO many people in group homes and/or nursing homes that don't have family or friends that visit. They spend their days alone. Mark was one of those people until my dad started talking to him while he was on a walk one day, and because of that, my family's lives were changed forever.

Mark taught me life lessons that I never would have learned otherwise, and I'm SO grateful that I got to know him in the last five months of his life. So, I can't help but encourage all of you to take the time once in a while to visit a home and bring some joy to the patients' lives. I know they would love a visit! The days are long and boring in nursing homes (I spent LOTS of hours there, and I know). Who know, you may end up meeting someone like Mark :)

I post this to keep Mark's memory alive and as a reminder that I need to feel grateful for all that I have. Mark was grateful for instant coffee, John Wayne movies, and (sadly) cigarettes (his one real "pleasure" that he didn't know was killing him). Mark had such a simple, happy life! He didn't need social media or extravagant vacations (or any vacations at all--he never even left southeast Michigan); he didn't care about material items, technology, or 90% of the luxuries we have and take for granted.

But he was SO. HAPPY.

I need to be reminded of this sometimes. And Halloween is always a great reminder. Count your blessings!

There is just way too much to write about him in this one post. I wrote several times throughout his time in the hospital and nursing home, and even his party. You can find all of the posts about Mark here (in reverse chronological order). Enjoy life! :)




21 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing his story again. Because of your family he got to live a pretty nice life if only for a portion of it. It has reminded me to enjoy the simple things in life.

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    1. YES! If nothing else, he definitely reminded me that we don't need all sorts of material things to be happy. It's the simple stuff :)

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  2. What a beautiful post dedicated to Mark!! This truly is something we all need to keep in mind: to enjoy life!! I remember all your posts about Mark. He truly seemed like the most genuine, loving soul!

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    1. A genuine, loving soul couldn't describe him any better. That's who he was!

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  3. I have so enjoyed all of your posts about Mark. Thank you for sharing his story.

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    1. Thank you for reading them! I think we can all learn things from him.

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  4. This is really beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing Mark with us, and for so eloquently sharing your stories about Mark's impact.

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    1. Thank you for reading his story! I think he continues to make an impact even 5-1/2 years later :)

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  5. What a beautiful tribute to your friend Mark. And I think it is also inspirational for all of us to go out and do something nice for someone less fortunate, like you and your family did, Katie. Thanks for being so kind.

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    1. Exactly! Whenever an opportunity presents itself for me to do something kind for another person, I like to take advantage of that. Thinking of Mark reminds me of how important that is.

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  6. Katie, such a beautiful post, thanks for sharing

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  7. I love this tribute on the Day of the Dead especially.

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    1. Thank you--that hadn't even occurred to me!

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  8. Loved reading this! I’ve always loved Halloween and my daughter’s birthday is November 3rd, so this is a special time of year for us! Now, I will also think of Mark during this time. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Aww, happy birthday to your daughter! This time of year is my favorite.

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  9. One note about visiting assisted living/homes--you should not and cannot just show up unannounced. The people working at these homes are often working hard to just make sure the residents are cared for, and having to take the time to do an orientation for random visitors will make their job harder. If you don't have a relative or a friend in a home, and want to volunteer, I strongly recommend contacting the volunteer coordinator at a nursing or assisted living home, and ask them about how to become a volunteer. They often need people to run crafts, or help at activities, and you need to go through background checks and an orientation process.

    Also, it should never just be one visit--assisted living or residental homes shouldn't be like a field trip, where you visit once and then don't go again. The people living there can thrive on regular visits, so it's quite a commitment. Visiting just "once in a while" isn't very kind; if you want to make an impact, the way Katie's family did with Mark, it should be a regular thing the residents can count on. That is why most nursing and residential homes have volunteer coordinators, to make sure the residents have regular, meaningful interaction with visitors.

    Anyway, I'm going to get off my soapbox. I used to work in a residental home for de-institutionalized adults, people like Mark, and so that's where I'm coming from. I just wanted to make sure readers understood that bringing joy into the lives of people like Mark is a committment, not just something to do to make one feel good about oneself.

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  10. Thank you Katie for sharing this. What a lovely gift for him and you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, Tracie! I can't believe it happened so long ago!

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  11. In a world where you can be anything, be kind. You and your family are the poster family for this! Such a good reminder that we all have things that we can give of ourselves if we just choose to be kind.

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    1. If everyone chose to be kind, think how much happier a world we'd live in! Thank you.

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)

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