Accepting the summer weight gain

A few weeks ago, I said that I would post a weigh in on August 19th--the anniversary of when I first started losing weight back in 2009. I'd hoped that I'd use those few weeks to lose some of the summer weight I gained, and I'd feel really good about getting on the scale.

Well, tomorrow is August 19th, and I haven't lost a single pound since then.

In fact, I've actually gained a few more pounds. Recently, my weight has been hovering between 139 and 141. Yes, Friends--that's over my goal weight (133), and nearly 20 pounds over my lowest weight from March! That's roughly a pound a week that I've picked up since March.

Jerry and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. When he got home from work, we decided to walk to the bar near our house with the kids, and on the way, I asked Noah to take a picture of us.

When I saw the picture, I was not happy--I almost wasn't even going to post it here, because I thought the extra weight was so noticeable...

I was thinking, "Ugh, everyone is going to look at this picture and think I'm a failure!" But you know what? I'm so tired of feeling apologetic for my weight fluctuations (not that anyone is expecting me to). Without comparing this photo to a photo from early this year, I'd say I look very "normal" and healthy here. The only thing about this photo that bothered me was the fact that I was comparing it to early this year, when I was at my lowest weight--my racing weight, when I was at the peak of my 10K training and in my best shape. Looking at this photo without any other reference, I'm happy with how I look!

I'm the first to admit that nobody is putting this pressure on me; I know that I'm doing it to myself. And it's time that I stop it! Maybe this is just part of MY "normal"--maybe MY normal is putting on some weight during the summer, and taking it off in the fall and winter. It's happened every year for the last six years! I always think that I need to work on fixing that for the next year, but maybe it's just the way my body works. My appetite is actually much higher in the summer than it is in the winter.

Anyway, I've been feeling so bad lately that I'm letting people down or something because I still haven't been able to keep from gaining weight in the summer--but today, I'm done feeling bad. My BMI is still good, I'm a normal and healthy size for my height, I'm active, and all of my health numbers are great. There is nothing for me to feel bad about! There are so many more important things to worry about.

I'm not saying that I'm "giving up"--I'm still going to work this fall to get back to my preferred weight of under 133, where I feel my best. And thankfully, I'm not too far over my goal this year! I should be able to do it in about 6-8 weeks.

This morning, I went to Kohl's to get a couple of dresses for Virginia Beach. Since I'm not going to be at my goal weight two weeks from now when we leave, I might as well feel good about the size I am now. I found two dresses that I am very happy with!

This pink one is my favorite--I think the color looks good with my hair (of course, I won't be wearing blue socks with it...). I also bought the striped dress you see in the background (each dress was only $14.40, by the way!)

Pretty much every summer, I end the season by vowing not to gain weight the following summer. "I'll learn my lesson from this summer", I say. But, I'm not going to declare that this year. I may be at my goal weight when I go to Indy in May, and run a great race. And maybe I'll put on 10 pounds over the summer of 2017. And then I'll lose it again in the fall. Is that such a bad thing? In my opinion, no :) I'm okay with that.

I always thought that I had to keep my weight fluctuations to a couple of pounds to be considered "successful" at weight loss--maybe five pounds at most. But for someone who has lost (and kept off) over 100 pounds for 6 years, having a greater weight fluctuation range isn't the end of the world. I am one of the roughly 5% of people who have lost a large amount of weight and kept it off! Maybe I'm not the "ideal" scenario, but it's clearly working for me. I just wish I had looked at it this way sooner, instead of feeling like I "failed" at the end of each summer.

I'm nervous about posting this--I always feel nervous when posting such personal stuff. I think it just makes me feel vulnerable, because I know that there will be people who disagree with my thoughts. But, I feel the need to post this because it's almost a relief for me. I'm showing that I'm not hiding anything, that I'm just ME--imperfect, but doing my best to be the best ME I can be.

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A week's catch-up

I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote! I actually started this post on Friday... and then Saturday... and then Sunday... finally, I'm getting it posted on Monday. Jerry's been working a crazy schedule (crazier than usual, I mean) lately because of a special project at work, and it's been hard to adjust. I've also been stressing to the kids how important it is to limit their screen time (video games, iPads, etc)--so I'm trying not to be a hypocrite by being on the computer for several hours a day ;)

They go back to school just after Labor Day, which is coming up so quickly! We will be heading to Virginia Beach in just over two weeks, and Eli is so excited he can't stand it. In the spring, I remember feeling like it was going to be so easy to maintain my weight over the summer this year, before heading to Virginia Beach.

Ha! I gain weight every single summer, and this summer was no different. However, I am still a good 20 pounds less than I was last year at this time, so I'll consider that a win (or close to it, at least).

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We've had an incredibly humid summer, which makes for nasty running weather. This last week was especially bad--I ran Tuesday, and then not again until Sunday. It's times like this that I wish my treadmill was in the house (we moved it to the garage last year). The garage is more humid than outside! I'm hoping to get a new treadmill soon, and when I do, I'm putting it in the house. Meanwhile, I keep forgetting that I can run on the indoor track at the rec center.

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I finally ended up getting a hands-free leash so I can take Joey running with me and hopefully not get pulled all over the place. I was skeptical that it would work (I kept picturing that my spine would just snap in half if he took off after a squirrel or something). I took him to the state park and we ran a few miles with the new leash. I was amazed! It was SO much easier to run without holding a leash. I tried to get pictures, but it's hard to take selfies from a distance, so this was the best I could get:

The leash hooks around my waist like a belt

The black part has a bungee cord inside, so it stretches slightly

Of course, we made several stops so he could cool off in the lake

The best way I can describe it is like wearing a backpack--you know how carrying a couple of 10-pound dumbbells in your hands feels incredibly heavy, but if you were to carry them in a backpack on your back, you barely notice it? That's what it was like with the leash. When I hold a leash in my hand, and Joey pulls, it feels SO hard to pull back; but with the pulling distributed around my waist, it felt like a tiny puppy was pulling ;)

Anyway, this is the leash that I bought on Amazon. I'm really happy with it--the quality is great and I was very surprised at what a difference it made in running with Joey.

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I had a doctor's appointment last week for my annual physical. My lipid profile and blood sugar numbers are all good, as are my weight and blood pressure. Each year that goes by, I feel a sense of relief that I made it through another year without putting the weight back on. According to statistics, I should have gained back all the weight several years ago--so I feel a little sense of accomplishment each time I have a physical and my numbers are good.

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A reader named Lisa sent my family an amazing handmade memorial magnet for Chandler...

(We LOVE it, Lisa--thank you for thinking of us!) Lisa has an Etsy shop with some very cute dog tags, cat tags, and the memorial magnets, which you can check out here.

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Jerry's and my 13-year wedding anniversary is tomorrow. It's kind of hard to believe we've been married that long! We've been together for 17 years--HALF MY LIFE. That blows my mind. I bought Jerry 13 gifts for 13 years--normally, we don't do much for anniversaries, but he's been working so hard lately I wanted to do something nice for him.

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Cross country practice starts this evening. Renee and I are coaching third through fifth graders. Last year we coached second through fourth grade, but the middle school dropped the fifth graders from their program this year, so we decided to pick them up; and the second graders were a little young last year, so we figured third through fifth was perfect.

Tonight, we're going to do a one-mile time trial with the kids (see how fast they can complete one mile) because it's a great way to measure progress later on. We'll have them do the same trial once or twice more later in the season so we can see their improvement.

I'm thinking that I'll start doing my easy runs during practice while the kids are running--I'm not training for anything, so it's a good time to do that. Since we're doing the time trial today, I'll be timing the kids and won't be able to run; so, I headed out this morning for a 45-minute easy run.

The temperature was pretty low this morning--66 degrees at 7:00 am. I was looking forward to a nice, cool run! The humidity was 100%, so it didn't end up as nice as I'd hoped. I got drenched in sweat, but it was still much nicer than 88 degrees with 100% humidity, like last week ;)  I'm SO ready for fall weather!

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Future running plans

I can't tell you how different my mood is from just a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I'm back to the "normal me with mild depression" instead of the "me with a bad depressive episode". I don't think I've cried in several days--unless you count yesterday, when I cried from laughing so hard! (There was a post on Facebook that contained several pictures of kids and the funny things they did--I was wheezing from laughing so hard.)

Looking back at July, it almost feels like I was a totally different person for the entire month. I felt terrible (I even toned it down for the blog just how bad I felt, because nobody wants to read that kind of negativity). I felt like I would never get back to the normal me, and now here I am. I feel so relieved.

Yes, I picked up several pounds during the month of July, but I've been doing really well being back on track with calorie counting, so I don't feel too terrible about it. I wish I knew how to handle depression without using food, but that's always been my go-to for comfort. Hopefully, my new therapist can help me figure out better ways to deal, and if I go through another episode next summer, I'll be prepared!

I saw this running shirt by BrainStorm Gear a couple of days ago, and I just had to buy it:

It's like it was made just for me! They have some really awesome cycling jerseys, and it almost made me want to take up cycling just so I could get a Cookie Monster one--but not quite ;)

I've been thinking a lot about what to do as far as running goals go. I think this fall, I'm going to keep it very casual. I'll probably run a few races just for fun, and I'll follow some sort of training schedule to keep up with running; but I'm going to wait until spring to set another goal. And I've already been thinking about what it's going to be...

I'm going to run the Indy Mini again!

It's been five years since the last time I ran it--can you believe it? I walked that race in 2008, 2009, and 2010. The first half-marathon that I actually ran was the Indy Mini in 2011. And plans fell through in 2012, so I didn't get to go. I went to Indy with my Sole Mates last year, but I didn't get to do the race due to my stress fracture.

It has now been almost two years since I last ran a half-marathon, and I am ready to make the Indy Mini 2017 my comeback race :) I'm not sure yet what I plan to do as far as a time goal, but I'm thinking I might as well go big or go home--maybe I'll shoot for my sub-1:50! In 2013, sub-1:50 was a far off goal of mine. Based on my recent 10K race, I think with training, I can get back into shape for a 1:49 half-marathon.

BUT. May is still a long way off. Right now, running in the miserable humidity, I can't fathom doing speed work for a half-marathon. It's hard to get excited about a lofty time goal! We'll see how I feel about it in October or November, and then I'll decide for sure. The one thing I AM sure about, however, is that I'm going to run the Indy Mini in May.

I was kind of thinking it might be fun to have some sort of reader meet-up weekend... would that interest anyone? Anyone who wants to go could come hang out for a few days, and do the race on Saturday. We could do dinner at Buca di Beppo on Friday night (a tradition).

Anyway, if that would interest any of you, it's the weekend of May 5-7. The race itself is PERFECT for a first half-marathon--there are 35,000 runners/walkers. I walked it for three years, and there are SO many other walkers that I never felt embarrassed to be "just" walking (by the way, walking it made me so much more sore than running! It's HARD to walk 13.1 miles.) If you think you'd like to join me that weekend, send me an email so we can work out the details. If there is enough interest, we could even make a Facebook group to plan details, and maybe buddy up for hotels or something.

I've been running lately, but it's been too humid to really enjoy it! I ran three miles with Nathan on Friday. My plan was to run at his easy pace of about 8:45, but once we started running, the air was so thick that we both agreed to slow down. We ended up with a 9:12 pace, and even that felt kind of hard.

For the past few days, I've taken the kids to the State Park to fish while I run. There is a short loop (1.5 miles) where I can see the kids the whole way around, so it works out well. I just run two loops, which gives them enough time to fish for a little bit.

It's interesting how the heat and humidity affects my running pace. I still keep my heart rate under 146, and some days, that means a 10:15 pace (when it's rather cool and not humid); but other days, that means an 11:30 pace. Or, like last week, when we had a the air quality alert, my pace wound up being 12:18! In the winter, it'll probably be a 9:30-10:00 pace... all at the same heart rate.

Today, I ran at around noon, and that was a big mistake--I even wondered if I'd make all the way around the second loop. It was rough! When I was done, I sat down while the kids fished, and just tried to stop sweating.

When I got home, I looked up the weather to see what the humidity was, because that run had felt SO difficult. Turns out we had another air quality alert! I wish I'd thought to look that up beforehand, because I would have postponed my run. It's amazing just how much of a difference that makes in my running.

I took Joey to Lucky Puppy (his doggy daycare) today. It had been several months since the last time he went, but he was SO EXCITED when he realized where we were going. He never whines, but once we pulled into the driveway, he started whining in excitement. I'm sure he's having a blast today! ;)

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National Sister Day

Well, yesterday I woke up feeling pretty good about myself, so I decided to step on the scale for the first time in about a couple of weeks... and it wasn't good. When my depression was really bad last month, control over my eating just went on the back burner. Since I had already broken my binge-free streak, I didn't care that much about staying on track. Then, when Caitlin was here, we did a lot of eating out--lots of my favorite foods that I usually reserve for a high calorie day.

My clothes have gotten tight, and based on the fit, I guessed that my weight was probably approaching the high 130's--but I didn't want to get on the scale to confirm it. I've had a really good week, however, so I hoped that when I got on the scale yesterday, I would be back at my goal weight. Unfortunately, we all know that weight loss doesn't work that way! ;) We spend weeks or even months losing a few pounds, and then when we so much as smell junk food, we gain it all right back in just a couple of days.

I'm going to give myself until the 19th (the anniversary of when I started losing weight) to continue eating well, and then I'm going to post a weigh-in. Good or bad. Now that I'm doing better as far as the depression goes, I really want to get focused on weight maintenance again.

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Anyway, today is National Sister Day, and I thought I'd share a little about my favorite (only) sister, Jeanie.

Jeanie actually played a big role in my weight loss, and when I first started losing weight, she was THE most supportive person in that part of my life.

We didn't have a very close relationship back then, actually. Jeanie would call a few times a week to talk to my kids (she truly is the world's greatest aunt); but as far as the two of us, we just didn't have anything in common. Jeanie is super outgoing and extroverted, while I am as shy and introverted as can be.

Showing the kids the correct way of baking ;)

In August 2009, she asked me if I wanted to do Weight Watchers with her (on our own--no meetings), and we could keep each other accountable. Always having looked up to her, and even being somewhat intimidated by her, I agreed. I assumed it would be like any other time I'd tried losing weight--I'd do it for a couple of days, and then quit. Jeanie called once a day for that first week or so, and I would have been super embarrassed to tell her that I quit, so I actually stuck to it. And once I had a week under my belt, it was easier to keep going.

As I dropped the weight, Jeanie got more and more excited for me. She loved calling me on Wednesdays to hear how much weight I'd lost that week. The next time she saw me was in May 2010, when we were planning to do the Indy Mini-Marathon together for the third year in a row. She couldn't believe how different I looked--she said she never would have even recognized me if I hadn't called to her across the lobby of the hotel.

That year, we walked the entire race together. It felt amazing to be able to keep up with her! I took over 30 minutes off of the previous year's time.

When I hit 100 pounds lost, she took me for a mini-makeover. We got pedicures, and then went to a different salon for our hair. She treated me to a hair cut, color, and blow out. I was STUNNED at the difference in my hair! Then, we went to Macy's, where we got our make-up done and she bought me the make-up that the artist had used on me.

I don't think she knew (or even knows to this day) just how much that day meant to me. I had always wanted to feel girly, and I never did when I was obese. That day, I felt so pretty! I also always wanted to be "cool" like my big sister--but considering she's eight years older than me, I looked silly playing dress up with her clothes when I was a kid. That day we got our nails, hair, and make-up done, I felt like I fit in. It was amazing.

A couple of years later, I felt like I got to repay the favor when I inspired Jeanie to start running. It was awesome to see her progress from a non-runner to running a 5K, 10K, half-marathon, and then full marathon. I love that in May of 2013, I got to show up at her house and surprise her by running her first half-marathon with her. And then, as she ran her first full marathon in April 2014, I ran the last five miles with her (she totally kicked that marathon's ass, too!).

Jeanie's first half-marathon

Jeanie's first marathon

Jeanie has always been very level-headed and practical. If there is ever an emergency, she is definitely the one you'd want to be there with you--she can stay very calm and collected in those situations. I, on the other hand, am the last person you'd want to be there! I tend to panic and get overly emotional ;)

She also gives great advice! Because she is able to think practically, she's usually the one I turn to if I need advice about something important. She's very compassionate and empathetic, but she's able to switch over to practical mode when needed--such a great quality to have!

I wish that she lived closer (she lives in Illinois, about a six hour drive from me) so that I could see her more often. My kids are always thrilled to get to hang out with Aunt Jeanie. She even accompanied us when Jerry and I took the kids to Punta Cana a couple of years ago! Jeanie did all the planning for that trip, and it was so nice not to have to worry about anything. It will remain one of my favorite trips of all time!

Anyway, I am so grateful to have a sister as great as Jeanie. Happy National Sister Day!

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Success Story Saturday: Lucy's Story

I am so excited to share this first post (hopefully of many to come) of Success Story Saturday! Over the past several years, I've gotten so many emails from readers who share their own success stories with me, and these stories are just so inspiring. I've read about people who have overcome injuries and tragedies, bounced back from pregnancies, defied medical odds, lost half their body weight, went from couch potatoes to marathon runners, and so many more.

I had the idea to start sharing these stories periodically in a series called Success Story Saturday. While Motivational Monday focused on the small goals and accomplishments on a week to week basis, Success Story Saturday is for those big accomplishments that we put lots of blood, sweat, and tears into. The culmination of all those smaller goals leads to one big success story!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading the first installment of this series... here is Lucy's story, in her own words:

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"One year ago today, I was fat – 232 pounds of it. I felt like I was wearing one of those big character costumes that got in my way, slowed me down, and forced me to limit my mobility. Since I come from a family of fat and happy Italians, I figured that was my lot in life. It didn’t feel like something I had any control over – it just was. I was fat. 

Then I found your blog.

It was the first time I’d ever read about someone losing weight and keeping it off. It was the first time I ever found myself wondering if I could change things, and part of me started to believe that it might actually be possible to succeed at it. Hope was born.

I figured if you could walk 13.1 miles before you lost your weight, I could certainly manage 3.1. On July 20, 2015, I registered for the Rock 'n' Roll Virginia Beach 5K (6 weeks away). I started the Couch to 5K program, signed up for MyFitnessPal, and committed to 6 weeks. I still wasn’t fully convinced that change was possible, but I figured at the very least, I’d end up with proof that I was doomed to be fat and nothing I could do would change that. 

In that spirit, I decided to be completely honest with myself and stick with things for 6 weeks – no matter what. I viewed it like a science experiment, where my main goal was to collect calorie data and see how it affected my weight. I used an old analog scale for those first 2 weeks, and when it showed I’d only lost 2 pounds (at most!), my belief that I had no control over my fat was reinforced. But I didn’t give up! I went out and bought a new scale to ensure accuracy and was shocked to drop 3.5 pounds the following week. 

It took me more than 42 minutes to run that first 5k, but I loved it so much I immediately registered for the half-marathon for this year! Even though my weight was going down, I still wasn’t seeing much difference in the way my clothes fit. I still wasn’t convinced that much would actually change, but I kept going. 

In October, I crossed my legs at the knee for first time! In November, I ran my second 5K. In December, I bought my first pair of size 12 pants (the previous July, I’d been an 18 or 20). In February, I hit 50 pounds lost. I logged everything I ate, every single day – no matter what, and I kept running.

50 pounds down

In May, I ran my first 10K. I came in dead last, though I finished in 1:07, having beaten my goal time by more than 10 minutes! (Having a police car follow you while picking up cones behind you is great motivation to run faster.) My students reminded me that I always tell them that doing their best is always good enough, and I kept going. By the end of the school year, I’d hit 75 lbs lost!

Then summer vacation came. It’s been really hard. My right knee has been giving me problems, so I’ve had to rework my training plan a bit. Travel has thrown off my eating – a lot, and there are many days when I start to wonder if I’ll ever lost these last 20-25 pounds. But I haven’t given up.

July 20th was my first FITiversary, and I’m realizing that not giving up is my biggest win. After all, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every trip and adventure we’ve had this summer! I’ve not felt deprived, and I haven’t gained any weight. I’ve logged my food every single day for a whole year – a leap year, no less! I’ve run as far as 10 miles. I enjoy roller blading with my son and going for bike rides with my husband.

75 pounds down

I still have weight to lose and about four weeks before I run my first half marathon, but I’ve proven that I can change what I weigh and my ability to be physically active. I have 383 days of evidence that bad days are ok, holidays happen, vacations can be enjoyed, and I can choose to be healthy. As long as I don’t give up, forward progress will happen. 

Thank you for taking the time to write and being willing to share. Thank you for allowing me far enough into your life to see that change is possible."

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You can read more about Lucy on her blog, Losing Anonymously. (She's chooses to remain anonymous because she is a teacher, and she wants to be able to blog honestly instead of worrying about whether it's "middle school appropriate", should one of her students find it.)

If you have made a big healthy change in your life, and would like to submit your story for Success Story Saturday, this post explains how to do so. 

Congratulations, Lucy! You have done something amazing, and should be so proud :)

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Air quality alert

As you can see, I did not do my Wednesday Weigh-in yesterday. I actually haven't gotten on the scale in over a week! I've been doing really well the last few days as far as my eating goes, so I'm afraid if I get on the scale and see that my weight is up from eating out all last weekend, I'll just have that "screw it" mentality. Usually, I'm pretty good about not letting the scale get to me (mentally), but right now I feel kind of vulnerable, considering everything that's been going on lately. So I'm going to give it a little more time, and then I'll do my regular weigh-ins again.

August 19th will mark SEVEN YEARS since I started this weight loss journey! Maybe I'll do a big comparison post then--not just my weight, but all that has changed in the last seven years. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. While my journey is more like a roller coaster with the ups and downs, I still have to pat myself on the back for maintaining such a large weight loss for this long. It's been far from perfect, but I've still defied the odds!

I took the kids to the county fair on Tuesday, and I can't even describe how tempted I was to eat all sorts of junk and then "start over tomorrow". I didn't buy ANY food there, though! I ate one of Eli's french fries, and that's the only thing I had. I was most tempted by the elephant ears--they looked and smelled so good. I probably could have gotten one, and worked it into my calories, but it was more about the mindset--I wanted to prove to myself that it was perfectly okay to go to the fair and not eat junk food. Instead, I had a piece of homemade zucchini bread when I got home. 

I had a hard time getting out the door to run this morning (running after a rest day is toughest for me). I procrastinated as it got hotter by the minute, and then finally headed out at 9:30. It felt so much hotter than the numbers showed, though.

I was in the mood to run long(ish) and slow, so I could listen to a couple of podcasts. I wore my heart rate monitor to keep my heart rate low, and my heart rate was so high today! I felt like I couldn't possibly run any slower, but my heart rate monitor was beeping constantly from being too high. I did an out and back, listening to a couple of podcasts, and my pace was the slowest it's been since I started heart rate training in December. 

A 12:18/mile average pace, and even then, my average heart rate was 148 (I was aiming for under 146 bpm). When I got home, my clothes were totally saturated with sweat. 

I didn't notice the "air quality alert" until after my run, so I decided to look it up online and see exactly what that means. I was kind of surprised to see that it could very well be why my run felt so hard today. Here is a quote from the Environmental Protection Agency about one of the problems that could happen:

"Reduce lung function, making it more difficult to breathe as deeply and vigorously as you normally would, especially when exercising. Breathing may start to feel uncomfortable, and you may notice that you are taking more rapid and shallow breaths than normal."

That's so interesting! I've never paid attention to the air quality index before, but I'm definitely going to start.

With everything going on with Chandler, I totally forgot to write about this: we officially adopted Monica! We made this decision before Chandler died. Monica is just such a sweet cat that I couldn't imagine having to give her back.

I felt a little guilty about it after Chandler died, because I certainly wasn't trying to replace him. Chandler could never be replaced! But like I said, we made the decision when we thought we'd have several more years with Chandler.

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Tomorrow, I'm meeting Nathan for a run early in the morning. I'm planning to run at a tempo-ish pace of 8:30 or so, but if the air feels anything like today, I'll just nix that plan and run easy! The air quality alert is supposed to expire tonight at midnight, so hopefully tomorrow's run will feel easier. 

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It's FINALLY here!

It's been over four years in the making, and I am relieved to say that the documentary, From Fat to Finish Line, is FINALLY available! I had nothing to do with the making of the film, other than the fact that I was one of the subjects (and I put together the team of runners)--but this is a big day indeed. It was so crazy to see the documentary on the iTunes movies page today!

I've been writing about it on my blog for, well, YEARS now; but, if you aren't familiar with the documentary, here is a brief explanation: In 2011, a reader of mine named Rik contacted me about my lower body lift surgery. One thing led to another, and, in short, we put together a Ragnar Relay team of 12 people who had all lost a lot of weight and become runners (our team lost about 1200 pounds total).

The documentary shares a little of each team member's history, and shows how we all came together as a team to run the 2013 Ragnar Relay Florida Keys. This was filmed over a period of a year, and then hundreds of hours of footage was condensed down to a single film. If you'd like to watch the film, on Amazon (digital or DVD). I think it may be available on some other VOD platforms, but I'm not sure. It will be on Netflix later this year (we don't have an exact date). (If you pledged money toward the film, you will get your DVD shortly as well).

I hope you enjoy the film if you choose to watch it!   I learned that producing a film is an actual art form, and the producer is the artist. Angela (the producer) has been fantastic through all of this--I can't even begin to imagine how much work it was to make this film!

The best thing to have come out of this film is that I have met some of the most amazing people that I never would have met otherwise. I've also had some crazy opportunities that never would have come my way--being on the Today Show and in Runner's World magazine, for starters! This whole experience has been so surreal. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not deserving of all these opportunities, but I have to remind myself that I earned this. I worked SO hard to lose the weight, to become a runner, and to keep the weight off. I've had so many successes and struggles over the years, I've lost count of each ;)

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Speaking of struggles, I've been feeling a little better the past week or so as far as this depressive episode goes. It's interesting, because you would have thought that Chandler's passing would make me feel even worse. Before Caitlin came for the weekend, I was worried that I would be a terrible host considering my mood lately; but almost as soon as she arrived, I busied myself to make sure that she was having fun, and I almost forgot about my depression. I had so much fun over the weekend--it was just what I needed!

I don't feel 100% back to normal yet, but I do feel like that dark depression cloud is lifting, and I'm hopeful that I'll feel back to normal soon (a few weeks ago, I felt like it would never end). It's interesting--I've cried over Chandler several times over the past few days, but it felt like "normal" crying, from grieving a beloved pet; but, when crying from depression (for no reason at all), it doesn't feel "normal". I hope that makes sense--it's hard to explain!

I wasn't eating well at all while I was feeling so bad, and I've actually been afraid to get on the scale--I think it's been over a week since I weighed myself. Over the weekend, I took Caitlin to a lot of my favorite restaurants, so I was eating junk then, too. I don't feel bad about what I ate on the weekend, because it wasn't emotional eating; where before, I was eating to make myself feel better.

Interestingly, after Caitlin left, I was craving some healthy foods (probably because of the junk I ate over the weekend)--I made a giant fruit salad (just cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and grapes), so I've been eating tons of fruit. I've also eaten more salad in the past few days that I have in the last six months, haha. For dinner last night, I made a recipe I found on Pinterest for Southwestern Chopped Salad. It was SO good!

Anyway, Jerry started a super crazy project at work yesterday that will continue over the next few months; and since he's going to be working so hard, I promised myself that I would work just as hard at being my best self. I'm back to counting calories how I was doing before, and I'm following a running schedule again. I'm going to finish our bathroom project, which will take a while. And I'm going to do my best to ensure that the kids have a great last month before school starts!

I am beyond thrilled with my new therapist--I've seen her twice now, and I actually really look forward to going again. She validates my feelings, and I love that I can tell her anything without feeling judged. She gives me "homework" to do, which has been helpful in keeping me focused.

I haven't really decided on a running goal for fall, but I'm following a half-marathon training plan for now. If I decide that I don't want to do that distance, then I'll switch to a 5K plan in the fall. Right now, I just want to get back into a running routine. Also, my therapist suggested that I replace one of my runs with swimming each week (I have chronic back pain due to arthritis and a couple of bone spurs). I think I may take an adult swimming class this fall. I've always hated swimming, but maybe if I learn how to swim properly, I'll actually enjoy it. If nothing else, it will be good cross training!

I am so glad to report that I am feeling better, and I hope that those of you who could relate to what I was going through are feeling better as well--if not now, then soon! Thanks for being patient with my not-so-happy posts lately. I tried to keep them positive, but it's hard when I'm not feeling very positive. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate the support from so many readers!

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A weekend with Caitlin

Thank you so much for your kind words on my post about Chandler. I'm still sort of in disbelief that he's actually gone. He's usually the first cat to come running into the kitchen when I feed them, and it's been so strange not to have him there. This morning, Monica jumped up onto my bed, and for a second I thought it was Chandler, and then remembered that it couldn't be. Having  my friend Caitlin here for the weekend helped my mood a lot, though!

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Aside from the heartbreak of losing Chandler over the weekend, I did have a lot of fun with Caitlin. I met Caitlin because she was a reader of my blog, and she emailed me back in 2012 to thank me for my posts about my skin removal surgery. She said she had lost well over 100 pounds (I later learned it was actually 240 pounds!! She's very modest, haha) and she had skin removal surgery as well.

The following year, I emailed her out of the blue to ask if she'd be interested in joining a Ragnar SoCal team made up of several of my blog readers. She agreed, and I actually met her in person the following October. We were both running the Chicago Marathon, so we met up in Chicago the day before the race. If not for her, I likely wouldn't have even run the race--I had a panic attack when I arrived in Chicago, and was very tempted to just turn around and go right back to my sister's house. I ended up hanging out with Caitlin, and I am so glad that I stayed!

We ran Ragnar SoCal together in 2014, and then I visited her for a day in Boston when I went out there for the Heartbreak Hill Half & Festival for Runner's World. That was the last time I saw her, so it had been a couple of years.

Caitlin had never been to Michigan, so it was fun getting to show her around a little! She arrived on Thursday, and we took the kids out to lunch. Then, we drove the kids to my brother's house, because they were going to stay the night over there. Brian was making guacamole when we got there, so naturally, we stayed for a little bit ;)

That evening, my other brother, Nathan, came over to my house. He hadn't yet seen the documentary, so Nathan, Caitlin, Jerry, and I watched the film. (It is being released tomorrow, by the way! It will be available on iTunes and Amazon.)

On Friday morning, Caitlin and I went to the State Park for a long walk, while Jerry took Chandler to the vet. I already wrote about that yesterday, so I won't get into it again. But after having a good cry in the park, I decided that I would try not to think about it much while Caitlin was in town--I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. (She went through the same thing with her cat, though, so she was totally understanding.)

We had sandwiches from Erie Bread Co. for lunch--their 13-8-on-9 is probably the best sandwich on the planet, in my opinion. We went back to Brian's to pick up the kids, and ended up hanging out for several hours. Brian had some model rockets that he and the boys put together, and the kids wanted to launch them. So we went to a big field for the launch, and Brian brought his quadcopter to film it. It was actually really fun to watch! The rockets went about 1,000 feet in the air, and then the kids ran to try and catch the parachute on the way down.

The rocket actually almost hit Brian's quadcopter

We left to go to dinner before heading to a Mud Hen's (baseball) game. I had been debating when I should tell the kids about Chandler, and I decided to tell them before dinner. I didn't want to ruin their time at the game, but I thought maybe the game would be a good distraction. Otherwise, if I told them right before bed, they would just be upset all night. It was heartbreaking to give them the news, and they reacted just like I thought they would; but I'm glad that I told them before dinner, because going out to eat and to a ball game was a good way to take their minds off of it. (Except for the fact that the kid sitting in front of us happened to be named Chandler! What are the odds?!)

We went to El Camino Real in Toledo, which is my favorite Mexican place. Then we headed to the Mud Hen's game. After we parked, we were walking to the stadium and we actually bumped into my friend Renee and her family, who were going to the game also! We found our seats, and I was grateful that it was slightly overcast, because we didn't have shade.

The weather felt perfect, actually--until the fourth or fifth inning, when it suddenly just started down pouring! Everyone ran for cover, and we ended up going down to where Renee's family was to wait it out.

We chatted for a while, and the rain wasn't letting up (they had called the game off) so we headed home. We watched an episode of Shameless (Caitlin had never seen it) and then went to bed. That night in bed, I got to talk to Jerry about Chandler--I had a ton of questions. I still just couldn't believe what had happened, and it was hard to fall asleep. When I got up, I decided to head out for a short run. Caitlin woke up as I was getting my shoes on, so she came along, too. We ran at a very easy pace, but it was so humid that it actually felt hard to breathe. We only ran three miles, but we were both really sweaty when we got back.

After showering and getting ready, we headed up to Detroit for the day. I knew Caitlin would love Eastern Market (an enormous farmer's market). We walked around for a couple of hours, sampling (and buying) several things.

Eventually, we took our goods to the car, and then walked to Greektown. It started raining fairly hard on the way, and we both got soaked, but we agreed it was better than walking in the sun. Caitlin mentioned she likes pulled pork, so we went to Redsmoke, my favorite barbecue place. I'm normally not a salad person, but I do love their caesar salad with pulled chicken!

After lunch, we walked to Greektown Casino. We lost our money, but we had fun! ;)

This is blurry because I was SO cold from be wet (from the rain) and then
being in the air-conditioning--my hands were shaking so badly!

We headed over to the Riverwalk, which is one of my favorite parts of Detroit. It's so pretty! I was excited to see that they put chairs out along the walk, so we stopped and sat for a few minutes with a gorgeous view of Canada.

I told Caitlin she looks like a celebrity in this photo for some reason--maybe it's the black clothes and sunglasses? I love that picture of her, though!

It was a very long walk back to the car, and by that time, it was already after 3:00. I wished I'd been wearing my Fitbit, but I looked at the Health app on my phone, and it said that we'd gotten in over 20,000 steps--nearly 12 miles (including our three mile run). That's a lot of walking!

We picked up the kids and Jerry, and then went to Anson's for dinner (our favorite pizza place). I showed Caitlin how to play Keno, because she'd never played before--and I actually won $75 on a $10 ticket! It's always fun when someone hits all their Keno numbers--even more fun when it's ME ;)

After dinner, we hurried back to my house, because Dean (one of our SoCal teammates) was going to come over, too! He just lives about an hour from me. (I met Dean because of the Motivational Monday posts on my blog--I watched as he went from 317 pounds and running his first 5K to weighing 171 pounds and running a sub-4:00 marathon!). Jerry made a fire, so we sat around the fire and chatted for a couple of hours before Dean had to leave. It was great getting to see them both. Dean was injured for a while and couldn't run, but he has done an awesome job with keeping the weight off--I am very impressed!

Between the three of us, we've lost 517 pounds. Kind of crazy!

On Sunday morning, I took Caitlin to the airport to head home. It was a super fun visit, and a nice way to help me take my mind off of Chandler. I hope we get together again before another two years passes!

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By the way, sorry it has taken so long to get the winner of the cat-lovers giveaway up here! I had a very busy weekend, as you can see. But congratulations to Laurie R! I have sent you an email to get your info, so I can pass it along to Purina :) Hope your kitty (or kitties) enjoy!

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The One Where Chandler Crossed the Rainbow Bridge

What started out to be a super fun weekend with my friend Caitlin ended up taking a very sad turn on Friday. Caitlin flew in from Boston on Thursday for a long weekend visit, and I was so excited to see her--it had been two years since the last time I saw her! I'll write all about her visit tomorrow, though, because I want to keep this post about Chandler.

On Friday morning, Chandler was showing signs of a urinary tract obstruction. An obstruction is an emergency situation, because if the urethra is blocked, the bladder could burst. Thankfully, the vet opened at 8:00 in the morning, so I asked Jerry to take him in right away (since Caitlin was visiting, I didn't want to have to change our plans). From what I'd read online, I was thinking they'd probably give Chandler antibiotics, and depending on how bad the blockage was, possibly keep him a day or two until he was better. It never occurred to me that it would be the last time I'd see him.

Caitlin and I went to the state park for a long walk, and about a mile into the walk, I got a phone call from Jerry. He was at the vet's office, and he told me that the red bulge I'd noticed on Chandler that morning was actually a tumor that had come out of Chandler's urethra. The placement of the tumor had blocked the urethra. The vet said that it was very likely cancerous, and that because of Chandler's age, the tumor's location, and the amount of pain Chandler was in, he would recommend euthanasia.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. It was the LAST thing I expected the vet to say. I knew Chandler was getting old, but I thought we'd at least have a few more years with him. I didn't know what to do--if I would have known he wouldn't come home, I would have given him his favorite wet food, and special treats; I would have cuddled and loved on him all night; I would have let the kids say good-bye to him. I thought about going to the vet right then, but Jerry said Chandler was in a lot of pain and they needed to do it right away. 

I kept asking if he was SURE that the vet didn't think there was anything else we could do, and the vet insisted that if it was his own cat, he would choose euthanasia in this situation. The vet said he would likely die over the weekend if we brought him home. Both Jerry and I were crying on the phone, and I felt so awful that I wasn't there. We agreed that having him put down was the best decision, and it was heartbreaking. 

The kids had stayed the night at my brother Brian's house, and I didn't want to ruin the fun time they were having, so we decided to wait until that evening to tell them. I was especially worried about Eli, because he adores our pets, and he's very sensitive to their feelings. 

Jerry spent a few minutes alone with Chandler before the vet came in to administer the injection. Jerry said once the vet gave him the shot, it was over with very quickly and peacefully. We chose to have him cremated. 

We had to make this decision a couple of years ago for Paolo, which was sad, but we'd only had Paolo a few years... with Chandler, the feelings hit so much harder. 

Jerry and I adopted Chandler from the animal shelter in 2003, shortly after we got married. He's been with us through everything, from bringing new babies into the house, who grew up to love him as much as we did, to bringing in other pets. Chandler was always the "constant" around here.

He used to watch Baby Einstein with Noah when Noah was a baby, and I think he liked the show more than Noah did. Noah loved having a cat, and Chandler became his buddy--even now, 12 years later, Chandler preferred to sleep on the boys' beds. Whenever the kids were sad, and wanted a pet to love on, Chandler was always the go-to--because he allowed himself to be cuddled, hugged, and petted. 

In his younger years, Chandler was agile and loved being outside. He could catch a bird mid-air, and a couple of times he even came home with a snake he'd killed. One winter, we had a really bad snow storm, and Chandler went missing. For four days, we looked and looked for him. I went around the neighborhood knocking on doors, passing out fliers, calling the shelter, hoping someone had seen him. On day five, once the snow started melting, I opened the door to go outside, and Chandler was there--fat, warm, and happy. I couldn't believe it! Someone had to have felt sorry for him and taken him in during the storm. After that, I started keeping him indoors only; I worried that one day, he wouldn't come back.

I'm not sure why he became such a fat cat, but it was a big part of his personality, and we loved that about him. 

I did put him on a diet after attending the "True Nature of Cats" seminar at the Purina headquarters--I fed him twice a day, and I stopped leaving out a bowl of food for him to constantly graze on. The other cats didn't have a weight problem, so I didn't want to keep them from eating. I discovered that Chandler was too lazy to use a puzzle feeder (a dish that the cats have to work to get food from--the one I had was made of several long, skinny cups that the cats would have to reach into with their paws and pull some food out.)

I left the puzzle feeder out for the other cats, and Chandler just ate at his normal feeding times. He actually lost five pounds over several months! The next time I weighed him, I saw that he had gained two pounds back, and I was stumped as to how that could happen. He was still eating the recommended serving. And he was using the treadmill regularly ;)

One day, I discovered what was going on: I saw Estelle and Chandler sitting at the puzzle feeder. I watched as Estelle reached in for a piece of food, and ate it. Then, she reached in and pulled out another... for Chandler. Back and forth, she would eat a piece, and then give Chandler a piece. She was feeding him because he was too lazy to get it himself!  I thought it was hilarious, and I realized Chandler was just meant to be a chubby kitty, so I stopped trying to make him diet. 

Chandler was the most easy-going cat we've ever had. Phoebe and Estelle can't stand each other, but each of them liked Chandler. And Chandler had a friendship with Joey, as well! There were several times I caught Chandler licking Joey's head. 

I'm not sure how much the other pets can sense about Chandler being gone, but ever since Friday, Phoebe has been hiding out in my bathroom underneath a bench--something she never does. And Joey hasn't been acting like his normal self, either--he's been much more mellow and quiet. 

This has obviously been a big blow to our entire family. I don't even think it has fully sunk in yet. Jerry took the boys out for a very fun day yesterday--mini golf, batting cages, and the movies--while I showed Caitlin around Detroit. It was nice to do something to take our minds off of Chandler, but now that we're getting back in the normal routine, it feels so odd. He is missed so much already!

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News stories

There has been some huge news around here lately. Remember a couple of years ago (well, those of you that have been reading my blog that long, anyway), when I posted about a girl named Chelsea Bruck who went missing from a Halloween party a few miles from my house? It was a big story, and even made national news. As time went on, there was less and less hope of ever finding out what happened to her, but my hometown community made sure she wasn't forgotten about.

Her favorite color was purple, so people hung purple ribbons in their yards, on their houses, on telephone poles, etc., to show their support.

I was kind of obsessed for a while with the story, because it was so unusual for something like that to happen around here.

I would deliberately run down the road where she went missing, so that I could look in ditches and cornfields for parts of the Halloween costume she'd been wearing, or anything unusual. In the spring of 2015, a woman's decomposed body was found about 12 miles away in a wooded area--and unfortunately, it turned out to be Chelsea's. Her death was determined to be a homicide, although the police didn't reveal any more details than that.

Over a million flyers had been distributed since she went missing, showing a sketch of a "person of interest"--but nothing ever seemed to pan out.

About a month ago, the local police posted an actual photograph from the party of (what appeared to be) the person in the sketch on the flyer, and the man came forward. He wasn't necessarily a suspect, but they wanted to talk to him as a witness. I hadn't heard anything else after that, but I was surprised to see that they were still actively investigating.

This past weekend, out of nowhere, an arrest for her murder was made (not the guy from the flyer). I was half asleep in bed when I saw the post by the local news on Facebook, and my eyes flew open. I was shocked--and so, so, so happy that they made an arrest! The detective was quoted as saying he was "1000% sure" this man was the one who murdered Chelsea. Apparently, the suspect knew things that only the killer would know--things that had never been released to the public.

His girlfriend spoke to the press--saying that he called her from jail the following day, and told her what had happened, and admitted that he did, in fact, kill Chelsea. He was arraigned yesterday, and his name was released: Daniel Clay, a 27-year old man from the same city where I live. He told the judge that he doesn't want bond--clearly, for his own safety from the community.

As you can imagine, this news has caused a flood of posts on social media--everyone is thrilled that he was caught! I had honestly given up hope that they would ever find out who did it. There are still so many unanswered questions--why? how? when? was it planned? why her? Hopefully those answers will come out in court. He's being charged with second degree murder, so the police don't think that he planned it.

Another news story that I got caught up in last week was that a 20-year old girl named Sierah Joughin went missing (probably 30-40 minutes from here?). She was out for a bike ride with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend went back home before she did--and she never returned. A day or two later, her bicycle was found in a cornfield, and there were signs of foul play. I was checking the news constantly, hoping that they'd find her alive.

A man named James Worley was arrested for her abduction, although they still hadn't found her (it wasn't specified what led them to arrest him). Then the following day, a woman's body was found nearby, and the police said they "strongly believe" that it was Sierah (still waiting on confirmation from the coroner).

This case really caught my attention. She was a 20-year old woman abducted while riding her bike! I think about my safety a lot when I ride my bike (or when I run), but usually it's the fear of being hit by a car or something. When I read the story, I tried to think of what situation would cause me to let my guard down while out for a bike ride--and honestly, I think if someone stopped a car to ask for directions or something, I would probably stop my ride to tell them. It just seems like it would be difficult to abduct an adult on a bicycle.

Once I read about the suspect's past, however, it made so much sense. Worley was actually convicted of abducting a woman from her bike in 1990, under very similar circumstances! The woman managed to escape, thankfully. He did just three years in prison for it. But she explained how it happened: She was riding her bike when a truck passed her, going the opposite direction. A few moments later, the same truck struck her bicycle from behind, and she tumbled off the bike and into a ditch. The driver went over to her to ask if she was okay, and then struck her on the head with something. He put her in his truck, and even injured, she managed to escape. I'm amazed he only did three years in prison for that.

It honestly never occurred to me that someone would deliberately strike a cyclist in order to abduct them. I teach my kids all the time about what to do if they are approached by a stranger, in all sorts of circumstances--but this one that I never thought of. The only way to really avoid that is by staying on very public roads, or riding with a group.

I'm so sad for her family, and particularly her boyfriend, who probably feels terrible now for leaving her to finish her ride alone. I hope Worley never gets out of prison! And it makes me wonder if he's done this between 1990 and now. That's a long time between abductions. It's scary.

Anyway, I didn't mean for this to be such a downer of a post! I don't follow the news much, because it really is depressing to read these days. But sometimes, a story really grabs my attention, and these happened to be two of them. So, Friends, please be careful out there! Whether you're cycling or running or anything else.

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To end on a positive note, check out this picture I took today--I think Joey looks hilarious! His tongue was hanging out of his mouth and something to his right had clearly caught his attention ;)

Also, my boys are nearly the same height! I didn't even notice until I looked at this photo.

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