I don't have any Q&A's to post, so I decided to do something a little different today and write about my history with my weight. I don't know that I've ever really written it all out in one spot before (other than in a memoir, and who knows if anything will ever happen with that!).
Since my Ragnar team has all shared their stories, I will go ahead and share mine (in a nutshell). I'm a little nervous to post this, because it's pretty personal, but I feel like I share everything else, so I might as well!
Cliché of all clichés, I was overweight or obese my entire adult life, and most of my childhood. The first I can recall of someone calling attention to my size was in the fourth grade--a boy named Richard gave me the nickname "Shamu" (and he was probably 10 pounds heavier than I was!). That is when I remember going on my first diet.
I experimented with all kinds of diets, usually some form of whatever diet my mom was on (Slim Fast, counting fat grams, Weight Watchers, etc.). I don't remember ever losing much weight on the diets, however. I do remember being very ashamed of my weight, and it was around that time that I started binge eating.
I would sneak Kudos bars from my grandma's cupboard and eat them very fast, so nobody would catch me. I don't know why I worried about it, because I'm sure my grandma would have given them to me if I'd asked.
I didn't know what depression was at the time, but in retrospect, it was around that time that I started feeling depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere, or do anything, and I just wasn't happy. I remember finding a book in my mom's dresser titled, "Helping Your Depressed Teenager". It was then that I started reading about depression, and realized that I had it.
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I never made excuses for my weight, knowing that it was because I was eating too much. My family (all "normal" sized) never said a word about my weight, good or bad, but I was teased in school. In high school, my family moved (my parents found their "dream house"), and I started at a new school in 10th grade. I loved it, because I wasn't teased anymore for my weight, and I made some great friends.
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In 11th grade, I was writing a story for the school newspaper, and I had to go to other schools in the county to interview randomly selected students for the story. At one of the schools, a boy caught my eye--I thought he was cute, and he was very funny. I was at a friend's house many months later, when I saw the boy again. I learned his name was Jerry, and we exchanged phone numbers.
He called me the next day, and we went out. I knew on our first date that he was the boy I was going to marry (again with the clichés!). I had never even had a boyfriend before, but I was sure he was "the one". We fell into the habit of eating lots of fast food and watching movies, and as a consequence, we both put on some weight.
Then I went to college, and with the freedom of living on campus came the freedom of eating whatever I wanted. There was food everywhere, and I had a prepaid card that I could use to buy anything I wanted. I gained a lot of weight in college, thanks to the food on campus and lots of alcohol.
Jerry and I got engaged when I was 20 years old, and I was determined not to be a fat bride. I dieted my way down to 160 pounds for my wedding day (actually reaching an all-time low of 152 for one day, then gaining 8 pounds before the wedding). The day after the wedding, I started eating and just couldn't stop.
I was gaining weight very quickly. I became pregnant with Noah just a couple of months after the wedding, so I used the pregnancy as an excuse for my rapid weight gain. I kept telling myself that I would lose it after the baby was born, because breastfeeding burns tons of calories (or so I'd read).
I weighed 228 when I delivered Noah. And ironically, my milk never came in--I wasn't able to breastfeed, which I was banking on to help me lose some weight.
I started Nutrisystem and got down to about 180 when I became pregnant with Eli. I tried so hard not to gain so much weight, but I weighed 271 the day I delivered Eli (a 91 pound gain!). I couldn't believe I had let myself get that big! And again, my milk never came in (despite the fact that I even took a lactation drug to help), so breastfeeding was out.
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My depression got worse and worse, especially after I had Eli. I was too embarrassed to let my friends see me, and how much weight I'd gained, so I quit talking to a lot of them. For a couple of years, I was a homebody, avoiding any social situations. I went to see a therapist, but the therapist knew absolutely nothing about binge eating disorder.
Literally... the therapist asked if I had an eating disorder (going down the list of medical questions) and I said yes, binge eating disorder. She looked confused, so I explained. Then she said, "Oh, but you don't have a real eating disorder, like making yourself throw up?" Needless to say, that was the last time I saw her ;)
My weight settled around 250 pounds for a couple of years. Being obese like that was extremely difficult--physically, mentally, and socially. One day in August 2009, my sister was visiting, and we decided to take the training wheels off of Noah's bicycle and teach him to ride. He wanted me to run up and down the street next to his bike while he learned.
I'd barely moved at all when I was huffing and puffing and felt like I would collapse. I couldn't believe how out of shape I was, even though I was 253 pounds at the time, and I felt like the worst mom ever. I had to ask my sister to take over, and I sat and watched as she taught my son to ride a bike. I was so mad at myself, and I vowed that when it was Eli's turn to learn to ride a two-wheeler, I was going to be the one to teach him. (And I did! You can see that video on this post)
That was my turning point, and over the next 16 months, I lost 125 pounds. I'd never been so determined in my life to finally reach a "normal" weight. The only thing that was really different this time is that I started running--and I set running goals to keep me motivated. When I lost weight before, I never exercised. This time, I got hooked on running, and that is how I'm able to keep the weight off. Here is the video of my transformation:
I still struggle with binge eating, and I hope to someday overcome it. I tend to binge when I get really stressed or anxious. I also still struggle with depression--I have good days, and bad days; good weeks, and bad weeks. But I've learned that as bad as I may feel one day, I will almost surely feel better in a day or two. If I'm feeling really down, I know that going for a run ALWAYS makes me feel better.
Starting this blog has done wonders for my self-confidence. I'm still very much an introvert, but I've "met" so many amazing people because of this blog, that I'm feeling more confident in social situations. It has also opened up a lot of opportunities for me (The Dr. Oz Show, The Ragnar Relay Project, being named a Fitterati for Fitness magazine, and tons more). Those are all things the "old" me never would have done!
