The Downside of Blogging

This feels weird. Writing, I mean. Once again, I had no intention of leaving the blog for so long! I promised before that I would write a "final" post when I decide to quit blogging so that nobody will have to wonder what happened, and I will definitely do that. But I don't feel like I'm ready to give it up altogether yet, so here I am.

I'm about to get really vulnerable here...

When I first started blogging, I had no idea that my blog would gain so many readers. I had actually been writing for 11 years at that point, but I switched over to the Blogger platform because it was much easier to add pictures than the platform I'd been using. I basically wanted to document my struggles and triumphs in regard to my weight and running goals. (I didn't know that Blogger would make me more noticeable on the internet. Having a handful of readers at the time was comfortable for me, as I'm an (ironically) private person in general.)

The very early days of Runs for Cookies... so young and unaware of what was ahead! ;)

Later that year, I had a couple of big things going on--I was invited to be on The Dr. Oz Show to talk about my weight loss and I had skin removal surgery to remove the excess/loose skin around my abdomen. I remember signing in to blog one day and I saw that the page views had jumped from 100-ish to about 10,000 overnight! Rather than get excited, I was extremely anxious about it--why on earth are people reading what I write? Don't they know I'm not a "real" writer? I can't possibly write private or vulnerable things here!

I soon discovered that there were a lot of people out there going through the same things that I was, and it was great to have that support system, so to speak. And then I started to get a few negative comments here and there, about random tidbits I'd written, and they stung a little. I only ever had good intentions, didn't speak badly about people, and stayed away from very controversial topics. Besides, 99% of the people I interacted with were so kind! I didn't understand the negativity.

[Side note: I believe there is a big difference between "constructive criticism" and just plain rude or mean-spirited comments. I've received a lot of constructive advice/criticism over the years and I appreciate it--I've learned a lot of new things from commenters who are kind in offering their opinions/advice. The negative comments I'm referring to in this post are the mean-spirited and/or rude ones, where the only purpose is to hurt my feelings or shame me.]

Also worth noting: I know that by opening up a large part of my life here on the internet, I'm basically asking for some rudely-worded criticism. But I loved writing and meeting some amazing people and I tried to go with the "it comes with the territory" belief.

I was able to brush off the comments that were really ridiculous ("Don't you know how much sugar is in grapes? You eat so many of them. You're going to get diabetes." I actually got several comments about eating too many grapes, and those comments were easy to laugh at. Actually, some of my friends will still banter with me about my horrific grape habit, ha ha.)

However, some of the comments were really hurtful. I found that it's usually the comments about the things that I'm already insecure about that hurt the most--I began to wonder if everybody thought of me that way. ("I can't believe you would let your kids have all of those sugary toppings on frozen yogurt. You're teaching them your bad eating habits and they're going to get obese too.")

That, along with some other parenting comments, planted the seed that I was a bad mom, which led to questioning other decisions I made. If I wrote about something I was proud of, like throwing away the second half of a brownie rather than eating it when I knew that half was plenty, I was told, "That's not something to be proud of, unless you're proud of eating disorder behavior.")

Because being a stay-at-home mom isn't very common anymore, I have dealt with a lot of criticism from that. Jerry and I are very happy that we made that decision 20 years ago, and we wouldn't change it. Jerry feels good about supporting our family and I truly enjoy being a "homemaker". I know it's not for everyone, and that's okay. We made the decision that we felt was best for our family. There is SO MUCH MORE to being a stay-at-home parent than taking care of the kids, and the comments that told me I was lazy, worthless, and a bad wife made me upset. I have two absolutely amazing kids--people tell me all the time that Jerry and I raised great kids--and I like to think that my being a stay-at-home parent helped in that way.

There are people that can read comments like that and laugh them off or just forget about them... I wish I was one of those people.

As Mark would say, "Ain't that the truth." (If only I could flip a switch and do it!)

As I was growing up, I can't even begin to guess how many times I was told I was "too sensitive". I admit it--I'm a sensitive person! [Note: That is *not* to say that I get offended easily, however. It's actually very difficult to offend me. When people are joking around or they are friends of mine or bantering, etc... it's great to laugh, especially at myself!] But when someone wants to hurt my feelings, it's (unfortunately) very easy to do so.

I care so much about making people happy and when I feel like I disappoint them in some way, it makes me feel really bad about myself. [Note: I know this is more about me than the other person and I need to work on my self-confidence and all of that. Comments from strangers should not affect me like this. I recognize that. But I can't just snap my fingers and make myself into someone that I've never been.]

Through the years of blogging, I've read a lot of not-so-nice things about me. The first few times you read something negative about yourself, it can be fairly easy not to put much thought into it. But reading it over and over for years began to take a toll on me. I still loved writing (I have met so many amazing readers and friends due to my blog) but my self esteem was taking a hit with each mean-spirited comment, even though there weren't many of them.

One day in August of last year--I remember it like it was yesterday--I had a couple of negative comments and reading them at that moment just kind of broke me. I was still going through The Worst Year Ever and was feeling about as low as I could get; reading that I was a "lazy wife without a real job" hit me like a punch in the stomach. The timing couldn't have been worse.

My already-severe anxiety went through the roof. I wondered if everybody thought I was lazy and forced my husband to work like a slave just so I could sit around and watch TV and eat bonbons all day. And since I'd gotten comments before about how I exaggerate my feelings and that I don't have "real" anxiety, I didn't feel like I could write about it.

There are a lot of topics that I stopped writing about over the years for that reason. When I opened up one time about having too much empathy--I know that sounds weird, but it affects my emotions so hard that I wish I could turn it off sometimes--someone called me a narcissist. I'd wanted to write much more about it so I could describe what I meant and even see if anyone else had the problem, but I felt judged and too vulnerable after that.

I want so badly to have thick skin, to not worry about what others think of me, to stop trying to please everyone, and to live my life without apology! (If you are one of those people, don't ever take it for granted. I envy you.) When taking a break from my blog, I felt like I could do what I wanted and not be judged or criticized for my decisions. Over the last year, my anxiety over writing has been really hard on me.

Right now, I have a big lump in my throat, my hands are sweaty, my heart is racing, and my stomach is in knots... all things that happen when I'm anxious. Out of all of the 3,681 posts I've written, this is the one I am most anxious about posting. I always planned to write something like this before I quit blogging--I hope that everyone reading this will see that words, even from strangers, really can hurt people. 

When a bully started calling me "Shamu" in the fourth grade, I became extremely conscious of my weight... and I went on my first diet. I also started binge eating and eating in secret. I'm not saying that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been called Shamu; but I do know it was a catalyst for a lifetime of issues with my eating habits.

Again, there are people that can brush off comments like that; and then there is me... sensitive to the point that I begin to question myself in all parts of my life. And again, I know this is a problem *I* need to work on, and I am always trying. I'm not writing this to say a big "eff you!" to the people that criticize me (although I definitely want to sometimes); rather, I hope to give some perspective on how tiny words can make a big impact on someone's life.

To end this with a positive note, I do want to say that I am SO thankful for all of the kind people out there. Just like hurtful words can make me feel bad about myself, the overwhelming positivity from 99% of my readers has kept me writing for the last 13 years. I don't fish for compliments when I write, but a kind word never fails to take a little of the sting out of the mean ones. And while I am horrible about replying (I am so sorry about that), I do read and take to heart every single one of them. It's not just the negative comments that affect me. I've gotten so much positivity through the years that my heart feels like it will burst sometimes.

When I started this post, I planned to just write a little about the last month or so--has it been that long?!--but all of this just spilled out. I think I'm just exhausted from holding it in all the time.

Anyway, I hope to write again soon. I've had an eventful end to the summer--including my first airplane flight since 2019!--so I will try to give the CliffsNotes version when my stomach isn't it knots ;) 

Now, I'm off to eat some of the diabetes bombs grapes that are on sale for 99 cents a pound!

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Breaking the Blogging Streak

On January 1, 2020, I made a New Year's resolution to blog every single day--whether it was a long, well-thought out post or just a few words or a picture. And I haven't missed a single day in 1,221 days. (Fun fact: If you google "how many days since xx/xx/xx" it will tell you in an instant.)

I started writing Runs for Cookies on April 3, 2011. Since then, I've written 3,511 posts! Can you even imagine that in book form?

My knee injury in 2012

My blog has evolved so much:

• from weight maintenance, to weight loss, to weight gain, and repeat x100
• documenting my skin removal surgery
• from running, to not running, to running, to not running
• from racing everything from 5Ks to three full marathons
• budgeting and paying off $14,000 of credit card debt
• learning all sorts of DIY things
• remodeling my house and garage
• seeing my kids grow from ages five and seven to seventeen and eighteen
• celebrating years seven through nineteen of my marriage (going on twenty in August)
• being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and writing about mental health
• traveling for pleasure or blog reasons
• meeting up with readers from all over the country
• making the most amazing friends through my blog
• sharing success stories from readers
• sharing all about Mark's cancer diagnosis and getting SO MUCH LOVE from my readers
• sharing my family's heritage recipes
• becoming vegan for ethical reasons and trying out new vegan recipes and "weird" ingredients
• forming Ragnar Relay teams with strangers
• being on The Dr. Oz Show, The Today Show, numerous podcasts, and even a feature-length film "From Fat to Finish Line".

Whew. That barely even touches the surface of the things I've written about.

Being filmed for From Fat to Finish Line

And now, Friends? I feel like I've said it all. I've been feeling so much stress and pressure to come up with things to write about on a daily basis and I just need a break. The number of readers I have is steadily declining--which is fine, because I write more for myself than for anyone else--so I feel like I've just become rather uninteresting (I'm not disagreeing!).

Writing one of my very first blog posts

Lately, I have had so many personal things on my mind that I can't write about and they are really affecting my mental health. The punches just keep coming and some days, I just need to not think about my blog at all. I need to focus on myself and my loved ones.

Recovering from my skin removal surgery--I wasn't allowed to sit up!

Anyway, I am not writing this to say good-bye--although it does kind of sound like it. Instead, I'm going to just cut back on the blogging and start taking the weekends off from writing. Over time, I may continue cutting back until I decide that the day comes when I am ready to quit altogether.

It's going to feel weird not writing a post on Saturdays and Sundays. If I have something I really want to write, then I will--but I haven't had much that I can write about lately.

When I was not at all happy about having to transfer things from my old computer to my new one.

So, I'm going to try out writing just Monday through Friday and see how it goes. I'm kind of sad to bread my writing streak, but I am doing what I think it best. Thank you for reading, and I'll be back on Monday! :)

My best friend and editor

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Daily Fun Facts and someecards

When I took Eli to the mall yesterday to buy cologne for his birthday, we walked around a little (mostly for Noah's sake; Eli and I don't like shopping). I saw one of those holiday set-ups in the middle of the mall with calendars and board games and little toys. Whenever I've seen those, I love looking at what they have. (I never buy anything, because it's so expensive, but I might make a mental note to look it up on Amazon later.)

Anyway, considering we're a week into 2022, the calendars were all 50% off. Still, I don't really *need* a calendar. I wanted to buy several of them because I thought they were cool, but what am I really going to do with it?

It's the same with those 365-day desk calendars where you tear off a page each day and there is a picture of a cute kitten, or a comic strip, or random fact, or things like that; I think those are so fun, but I've never bought one because I've never had a need for one.

Anyway, as I was looking at them, I had an idea. I could pick one of the 365-day calendars and post a photo of that day's page at the bottom of each of my blog posts. Or, on the days where I really don't have anything at all to say, I can just share the picture.

There were two that I just couldn't decide between: one called Did You Know? which has random trivia facts; and one that was filled with someecards (memes).

In the end I got them both. They were half off, so it was like I was just buying one, right?

Since the first week of January has already passed, I figured I'd just use this post to catch up--I'll post all of them that we missed! (Some of these will be dumb, no doubt; but that's just the risk you take when you buy these things!)  Also, just beware, the someecards may have adult humor.

Okay, here goes:

Aren't they fun? The weekends share a page, so I'll skip whatever day I decide to post my heritage recipe. Otherwise, I'll just end my posts with a daily someecard and some random trivia. :)

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Blog Feed Problems and a Funny Story

What a nightmare!

Ugh, I spent most of the day working on what should have been an easy switch--moving my blog feed from Google's feedburner to follow.it. If you missed the announcement I posted the last couple of days, Google is shutting down their email subscriptions in feedburner, which affects everyone who receives my blog post updates via email.

I've been reading about different alternatives and I decided to go with follow.it; now, however, I'm rethinking that. I'll try not to bore you with the details, but right now I'm just waiting on customer support at follow.it to upload my list of current subscribers. If you have under 100 subscribers you can upload them yourself (which is easy), but if you have more than that, you have to email them and they will do it for you (after you submit proof via a screenshot of feedburner).

As of right now, it's been six hours without any further communication from them after I submitted the screenshot but the subscriber list still isn't uploaded to my account. So, for those of you that subscribe via email, I have no idea if you will get an email notification of this post tonight or not. I really hope that you don't get an email from BOTH feedburner and follow.it. I don't want to be spammy! As soon as I can confirm that my subscriber list is uploaded to follow.it, I'll delete the feed at feedburner.

Anyway, that's just a very long-winded way of saying that I have no idea what's going on with the switch right now. The reason I was procrastinating this for the last few months is for this very reason: I knew it wouldn't go smoothly.

(There was a time several years ago that I tried to switch from Blogger to Wordpress and good LORD, I was a sobbing mess and ready to throw my computer through a wall that day. I decided I'll just stay on Blogger because it's free, I am used to it, and I really don't want to deal with switching over.)

I didn't even prepare a post today because I was hoping for a "test post" after I made the switch. So I'll just share a funny thing that happened today.

I was washing dishes when Jerry woke up today, and he poured a bowl of Frosted Flakes. I told him he should add some Cocoa Krispies in there, too, because the combination is really good! He added the Cocoa Krispies, poured in the milk, and then I heard him say, "Ohhh, this sounds just like my childhood". (I had my back to him because of washing the dishes.)

I half-turned to see what he was talking about and he had his ear next to the bowl of cereal. He said that the sound of Rice Krispies reminds him of being a kid. He said, "Here, listen to it" and held his bowl up to my ear. My hands were soapy and wet, so I was still facing the sink, but I paused to listen (i.e. humor his nostalgia).

Jerry was watching my reaction to listening to the Rice Krispies (yes, I realize it's not a very exciting thing to watch for a reaction, but hey--whatever floats his boat!). While Jerry was looking at my face and he didn't realize that he was tipping the (very full) bowl of cereal and milk sideways. He dumped half a bowl of cereal and milk down the back of my shirt and in my hair while I stood there!

I just froze for a minute. Then I realized what had just happened--my husband had literally poured a bowl full milk down my back--and I burst out laughing. I was standing at the sink wheezing from laughter while Jerry breathed with relief before laughing (I guess when your wife is bipolar, you don't know what to expect when you pour milk down the back of her shirt! Haha)

All day, every time I think about it I start laughing again. You have to picture him holding a bowl full of milk up next to my head (with an eager, nostalgic smile on his face) and then tipping the bowl and dumping the milk down my back--it was very different than accidentally dribbling or spilling milk and splashing me. If someone was just watching it out of context, they certainly would have thought it was on purpose.

Okay, well, I hope to get this issue with the blog feed sorted tonight, but if not, I'll just have to deal with it tomorrow! (Edit 7/9/21 at 12:00 ET: It *should* be working now, but I guess I won't know until the feed updates--I think tomorrow? Anyway, you should only get one email, from follow.it. Fingers crossed that it actually works!

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What It's Like To Blog Daily For One Year

On January 1, 2020, I made a goal to post on my blog every single day for a year. In 2019, I'd gotten more and more slack with my posting and I was afraid my blog was just going to sizzle out completely. I didn't want that to happen, so making that goal seemed like a good idea.

I had no idea just how DIFFICULT it was going to be! It sounds so simple... just write a little about my day or use a writing prompt when I wasn't sure what to write. But it was much more complicated than that.

First, 2020 ended up being the wrong year to choose this goal, apparently. With the lockdown, every day started to feel like groundhog day (remember that movie?)--the same thing, day in and day out. You can only write so much about the same thing.

My friend John told me a few months ago that I shouldn't start any of my posts with, "This is boring" or "I don't have anything interesting to say" or something like that, because he found it interesting regardless. So I tried to stop doing that. But I still FELT like it was boring and I was embarrassed posting some things.

We had to cancel our family vacation to San Francisco, which was something I could have written a week's worth of posts about. We weren't able to get together friends or go out together as a family to places like restaurants, the movies, bowling, or things like that. We couldn't even get together friends for bonfires, parties, game nights, etc. So those topics were out.

I wasn't losing any weight (other than when I was doing 75 Hard) so I didn't have anything to write about on the weight loss front. And I was too embarrassed (I still am) to do Wednesday Weigh-Ins.

All things I could have written about.

Instead, I wrote a list of writing prompts--many of them I got from the internet, some I got from John, and some just popped into my head. When I was really stuck for a topic, I would try to pick something from that.

The problem is, a lot of them would leave me feeling very vulnerable. I didn't always want to do "fluff" posts, but I was scared to post deeper feelings as well (I always am). So, I tried to keep a mix of the two. Some fun posts and some serious, vulnerable posts.

I did (and still do) enjoy writing about various projects I've done or am working on (crafts, DIY, etc). I find those interesting without leaving me feeling too vulnerable. They are few and far between, though, so they didn't take up much as far as my posting goes.

Adopting the kittens was great because I was able to write about them sometimes. They've grown so much! They weigh more than Estelle now. (Phoebe is tiny, weighing only seven pounds--but the kittens are 11 pounds.)

Posting about the challenges (summer and fall) was a great opportunity to write frequently. Unfortunately, I didn't follow them and that didn't work out.

Thankfully, I did a HUGE project for four months: completely making over my garage. I did every last bit of it by myself, and I am so so so proud of that. It was a ton of work but I couldn't be happier with out it turned out. I was even able to move my crafting stuff in there with its own little corner and now I don't have to drag it out to the kitchen table whenever I want to sew something.

Because of the daily posting, I had to get creative with different topics. I certainly couldn't post about weight loss or crafting or DIY stuff every single day. I had to do a mishmash of topics. I hoped this wouldn't stop people from reading because of losing interest (not everybody wants to read about particular topics) but in the end, I decided that it's MY blog and I'm not writing it to please other people. It's for me! 

There were a lot--and I mean a LOT--of days where I would stare at my computer at 11:00 PM and not have a single word written. I just couldn't think of what to write! Even looking at my writing prompts didn't help. I'd given myself permission to post just a photo for the day if that's what I needed to do; however, I felt guilty when I didn't at least write a few paragraphs. This year, I'm not going to let that bother me. If I have to post just a photo, I'm going to do so!

What I would REALLY love to do this year is to have certain topics on most days: a recipe on one day, Transformation Tuesday (see below), Weight Loss Wednesday, Friday Night Photos, a summary of the week on the weekend, etc. Maybe Motivational Monday again if I can get people to submit them!

Here is where I need your help to get these started.

Transformation Tuesday - This is all about transformations having to do with any topic at all. It could be a before and after of a haircut, upcycling an article of clothing or piece of furniture, before and after/during weight loss, ingredients turned into a meal, anything DIY, etc. ANYTHING GOES.

All you have to do is send in one before photo and one after photo, plus a paragraph or two explaining what you did. (Even just a sentence is fine if you don't want to write much!). Then you can include your name and where you are from (optional). These posts were very well received but I can't post them if I don't get submissions. So I beg you, please send me some submissions! 

You can send the two photos and the description to my email at: katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com, using the subject "Transformation Tuesday". Depending on how many I get, I may save it for another week.

Motivational Monday - This series is where you can shamelessly brag about an accomplishment! Whether you run or walk your first 5K race, or you complete the Couch to 5K program, you take a class and learn how to decorate a cake, you lost two pounds that week, you got over a fear of flying, or anything else. When other people (including me) see these things, it's motivating to do something for ourselves! 

My friend Jen hit her mileage goal for the year, so that would be a great one to share. My friend Adam completed 75 Hard and his photos were amazing. My friend Emily took on the project of making a little free library (with my help) and used power tools for the first time.

Those things are motivating! But again, I can't do the series unless people submit photos/stories, big or small. If you think it's boring or trivial, think again! You may really inspire someone to try something new. To submit this, just send a photo or two to compliment your accomplishment, along with an explanation (a sentence, a paragraph, whatever!) to my email: katie (at) runsforcookies (dot) com with the subject line "Motivational Monday". Again, I will post them as I get them, depending on how many. It could be that week or it could be several weeks. But I will post them!

Finally, if you have a story that you'd like to share, I'm always willing to consider guest posts. I'm very selective about these for several reasons, but I'd love to read posts from others. People have amazing stories, even if you may not think yours is interesting. Maybe you are a foster parent and can share what that's like, or maybe you have an unusual job, or maybe you have a child with special needs. Maybe you have a mental illness and want to share about living with that. 

If you'd like to submit a guest post, please email me with your idea (not the whole post) and I'll let you know if I think it will fit in. But don't be shy about it! Reading others' stories is super interesting.

Okay, I think that's about it for this post! Basically, writing daily for a year is hard but rewarding. I'm proud I did it! But it's very hard to come up with ideas sometimes, so I can certainly use your help in these series ideas I have. PLEASE consider sending something in. If you're unsure about it, you can ask my opinion and I'll tell you what I think. And if you want to remain anonymous, that's cool, too. Just let me know.

Happy New Year, everyone! I think that 2021 is looking up already. I've been sticking with my goals/habits (even though it's only day three). It feels good, though. :)  xo

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