So many changes!

I was about to come here to try to write about so many changes that have happened lately in life, and then I see a notice that Google is going to start adding unnecessary links to my posts?! From what I understand, it looks for keywords in the post and then links those to google search results. What a nightmare. I don't think there is a way to turn it off as long as I don't "activate" it (someone on Reddit said that once they clicked the button to activate it, there is no going back). Anyway, if you see links with little magnifying glasses, those are not from me and I really don't want them here.

Well, then, now that I got that intro out of the way... hahaha!

Yes, it's been a long time. Again. I really don't intend to just ignore my blog, emails, and the only social media account I have left (Instagram--I am still trying to work up the nerve to delete it, even though I never use it). I swear, it feels like I blink and months have gone by.

I feel like a crabby old lady who is stuck in her ways and instead of progressing, just continuing to procrastinate. I keep reminding myself that my blog is a hobby and not something to feel guilty about neglecting, but I honestly do feel bad. Especially when people ask how I'm doing or why I haven't written. It's not personal--against anyone--and it's not my intention to ignore things.

Interestingly, I am CONSTANTLY writing posts in my head. [Side note: Did you know that not everyone has an internal monologue? I assumed everybody does! There is not a second in my day where I am not "talking" in my head. It's drives me crazy; I would love to shut it off and take a break as needed.] Anyway, a major part of my inner monologue is narrating blog posts. I just never end up writing them but it feels like I have because my brain already did.

Do you all think I've gone completely bananas yet? ;)

So, changes. I almost feel like an entirely different person than I was three years ago. Some good, some bad, some whatever. Before anyone speculates that there are problems with my family, I assure you that we are fine. Jerry and I are happy, the kids are still living with us and (I hope) happy, no more pets have passed.

But poor Joey... he's losing his hearing. He's 12 years old now and the vet said he's in very good health for his age, but we've noticed that his hearing is starting to go. I don't like to think about it because it reminds me that he's not going to be around a whole lot longer. I've been spoiling him more and more because of it, though!

Here he is hanging out with his cousins a couple of weeks ago

The changes that I'm referring to are mostly within ME. I don't like the word "traumatizing" because it's used so frequently now and it is such a broad term, so I'll just say that something "not great" happened to me a few years ago and I'm still working through it. I tried doing it on my own, but that wasn't working, so I found a new therapist and I don't think I could have picked a better match. He has been super helpful in regard to all of the stuff going through my head and helping me sort things out.

Aside from the "not great" incident, I have been introspecting about topics that I never would have imagined: politics and religion. (I know, right?)

As you probably know, I stay away from controversial topics on my blog. I have always wanted my blog to be a "happy place" (with occasional hypomanic or depressive thoughts thrown in for fun, of course). Certainly never talking about politics or religion (I'm still not going to).

Which is why I just don't have a lot to say recently. Controversial topics always turn to arguing in the comments and that's no fun for anyone. Over the last year, I've gotten very passionate about particular topics (some political and some personal) and I've also been questioning past beliefs (religious) and they have been very intertwined over the last year.

I am SO SAD to see how much hate has come out of people and how divided this country has gotten (among itself and the rest of the world). I am SO SAD to see horrible and scary things happening to good people on a daily basis. I am SO SAD to see people justifying their hatred because someone in power says it's okay to hate and mistreat people. What makes me saddest of all is seeing some of the people I care about taking part in it.

And so I've stepped back. Maybe it's not the best way to handle it, but it's been tearing me up inside and it's easier to remove myself than try to argue with people who are passionate in their own beliefs. My psychiatrist and therapist are helping me (I am grateful for good health insurance!). I've been working on taking care of myself, physically and mentally.

I'm coming up on four years vegan and five years sober. Isn't that wild? I wish my weight was back down where I'm most comfortable (under 135) but I'm at 165 right now. Not for lack of trying! I haven't binged--or eaten sweets--in 45 days. Considering all the stress I've been feeling, I'm very happy with that.

I remember when I worked at Curves (the women's workout facility) the women would all tell me, "just wait until you're 40, losing weight after that is a nightmare" and I secretly thought, "I'll show them; if you just eat right and exercise, how hard can it be?" (I was a naive 21-year old who knew everything).

But goddamnit, they were right. I'm doing the same things I used to do to lose weight and it's just not working like it used to. My weight is moving downward (it was up to 175 at one point) but very slowly. However, I cannot complain too much because the biggest difference right now is that I'm not doing deliberate exercise. (I go for walks with Joey, but those are super slow because he has to smell everything and they're more for him than for me.)

Getting older, my body is getting more poppy and crunchy (you know the noises I am referring to?) when I stand up or bend over or whatnot. So ideally, I'd have a routine with some cardio, some strength, and some stretching. Getting into the habit is what I struggle with. Turning 40 shifted my mindset almost overnight from worrying about my looks to worrying about my health, though. I want to feel good as I age!

Jerry just set up my treadmill in the garage (I had to move it out of the house when Noah moved home) and got a heater, so I am going to try to get in the habit of long walks again. (Also, the older I get, the less I tolerate the cold. I can't believe I used to enjoy running in freezing temps.)

I visited Sarah's grave today. Sarah is my friend from high school who died in 2014 from melanoma (just a couple of weeks before Mark died). Shamefully, today was the first time I went to visit her grave. I've kept in touch with her mom (she's the one who asked me to do the Melanoma 5K Run/Walk in 2018, that you helped me raise funds for), and I don't know why I didn't go before.

Anyway, I had to get lab work done early this morning (my annual physical) and I decided to stop at the cemetery on the way home. She's been on my mind non-stop for a year or two--seriously, I think about her several times a day--and I feel like there has to be a reason for that. I stopped at the store to get something for her grave and I saw the most perfect item: a little stuffed ladybug. Sarah loved ladybugs, enough to where some of her family got ladybug tattoos in her memory. 

Her mom went to the gravesite later in the morning to replace her flowers and saw my ladybug. She sent me this picture. Look how pretty! Sarah loved the fall and especially Halloween.

It felt good to visit her and I definitely plan to go again. With her being on my mind so much, I even made an appointment yesterday for a routine skin check at the dermatologist's office.

Jerry, the kids, and I went to visit Jeanie and Shawn a couple of weeks ago. We hadn't been up there in two years, so it was nice to go visit with them. Next week, Jerry and I are going to visit Becky and the kiddos in Minnesota! I haven't seen Becky since the last time we went out there a year and a half ago, so I'm really looking forward to catching up with her; I miss her a lot.

Anyway, this is my quick here-but-not-here post. I'm still alive, just in the background for the time being. xoxo