Wednesday Weigh-In: Week 186

You know how when you haven't done something in a really long time, it just gets either more difficult or more awkward the longer you wait? Yeah, that's how I feel about writing today. It's been so long that it feels both difficult AND awkward.

I'm not sure what to say, really! Everything has been pretty much the same around here, more or less. A year ago, I was still going through one of the worst times of my life, so I am very glad that life has been uneventful, for the most part. I thought I'd moved past it, but that year and a half of my life changed me a LOT inside and I've been struggling with that. (Also looking for the right therapist)

Anyway, the current uneventfulness doesn't leave much to write. I chose to write a weigh-in post today mainly because of the writing prompt! I think it's been three weeks or so since my last weigh-in, and unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately), nothing has changed. Without looking back, I think my weight was at around 145 last time and that's about what it was today:

I still haven't made any significant changes to my diet/exercise, so I wasn't expecting to have lost anything. I haven't been actively working on creating new habits or breaking bad ones. It's hard to admit to myself when I know that I have what it takes and I know what I need to do in order to reach my goals; I just don't have the drive to do it. I tell myself that if I want something badly enough, I'll do what it takes. Even though I very badly want to get back down to a comfortable weight, it's clearly not enough to make me do the work.

I feel like I'm approaching one of those defining moments I get occasionally. I get to the point where I'm finally ready to make a change and then I go ahead, full throttle, definitely a bit overzealous. That's kind of how I've always done things, haha. Ideally, I'd find a comfortable middle ground.

I haven't really set goals in a long time and I miss that drive I used to get when I was focused on meeting a goal. I'm torn between wanting to strive for some goals and wanting to just go with the flow. Yesterday, when putting on some of my "warmer weather" clothes, I realized that I either need to set some goals or buy a new (larger) wardrobe, hahaha. My weight is up about 10 pounds from last year and that means a whole clothing size. I don't have "back up" clothes anymore. So, I need to make a choice. And I'm going to set some goals--defined and measurable ones, like the days when I felt almost unstoppable.

The two things that are most important to me (physically) right now are losing 10-15 pounds and exercising regularly. Since those are very broad, I have to break them down. And to be honest, I haven't done that yet. I already know *what* I need to do; I mainly need to figure out a motivator or some sort of drive that makes my goals feel like a priority.

I didn't intend for this post to sound negative. I really need to write more frequently so that my thoughts are more organized. I never realized that the daily (or even near-daily) blogging helped in that way. I keep telling myself that I need to do a "catch-up" post, so I'll do that no later than Sunday (if I don't give myself a deadline, I may not do it).

For now, I'm going to sit down and write out some goals, as well as plans/habits for reaching them. Maybe that will be the motivation I need to get started. Let's hope so! ;)