On Monday, I was texting John, and we were talking about lack of motivation to run. I told him how I hadn't run in nearly five weeks since I decided I needed a break from training (I had planned to continue to run a couple of times a week, but so many factors have come into play where that goes--I'll explain more below--but basically, it just didn't happen.) John said that he was going to try to run after work on Monday, so I made him a deal. I said that if he went for a run on Monday evening, then I would run on Tuesday morning.
Anyway, I started my new medication (for depression) only a few days before my last run about five weeks ago. I remember having a terrible run--feeling tired, lethargic, and very out of breath. I hoped it was just a coincidence, but each time I've tried to run over the last five weeks, I feel the same way. I've also experienced a HUGE lack of motivation, which is the last thing I want. I don't know if this is from the medication or not, but it seems to have gotten much worse since starting the medication.
Yesterday, I headed out for my run with high hopes. I really wanted to have a good run and not feel like a lazy bum! Again, I just felt awful. At around mile 1.7, I took a walk break, and then ended up walking the rest of the way home. Because of this, I started feeling bad about myself and talking down to myself (which I know is of no help). I was just disappointed that I wasn't able to get in the three miles I'd hoped.
So, I made another appointment with my doctor to see what he thinks about this as a possible side effect. I also called to check on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist, and they were able to get me in on May 1st--much sooner than September! Hopefully, the psychiatrist will be able to help me find a good treatment with minimal side effects. Meanwhile, it's frustrating not being able to "just fix it" already.
Anyway, I have still been doing well with eating and staying binge-free. Today's weigh-in:
I was at 146.2, which is down 1.6 pounds from 147.8 last week--I'll take it! Like last week, I didn't count calories; instead, I just tried to eat as if I was counting calories.
I've been thinking more and more about maybe trying to maintain a higher goal weight--something like 140 or 145, instead of trying to get down to 133 again. The truth is, I'm caring less and less about the numbers and more about consistency and doing what makes me happy.
My weight has always gone up and down, so it's hard to say what my "ideal" weight is. To me, I believe my ideal weight will come through not binge eating, staying consistent with eating patterns, eating what I truly enjoy, and not eating too much or too little.
I think I'm mostly afraid of rebound weight gain, like what happened last year when I became very depressed; and perhaps by maintaining a higher weight on a daily basis, I won't have that rebound effect. This is total speculation, so I have no idea if what I'm thinking is accurate--but it can't cause any harm. Would I like to weigh in the 120's again? Of course! But not if it just means I'm going to gain 30 pounds the next time I have a rough patch with depression. I think I look okay at this size, too, so I wouldn't mind choosing a higher goal. I'll think about it some more and see what happens!
I just have to share this picture, because I think it's cute. Eli was doing his homework on the couch, and Joey clearly couldn't stand that Eli's homework was getting more attention than he was, so he made himself comfortable by sprawling right across Eli's back :)
Also, I took this picture of Estelle yesterday. She sits in this basket which is perfectly cat-sized, and I turned on a YouTube video for her to watch (birds and squirrels). She was mesmerized! hahaha