August 09, 2017

A surprising journal entry by the 2007-Katie

I haven't been keeping up to date lately on the blog. Every time I sit to work on my blog, I've been updating all of the pages and organizing things, but I haven't been writing anything new!

A picture of Jerry and me from the weekend. We took the kids on a picnic.

I remembered to do Wednesday Weigh-In... on Wednesday. Finally! It's been a few weeks since I actually did one on time. Today's weigh in:

I think that's about the same as last week. It tends to blend together now, because it's been staying so steady between 131 and 134 for weeks now. I feel like I'm really on a roll with maintenance. I don't even think much about it anymore. I am in such a routine that I just eat out of habit each day and it never really occurs to me to think about food otherwise. It's been great!

Being on our budget has helped SO much, too. I buy groceries on Fridays, and we don't run to the store for things during the week like we used to. We also don't eat out anymore, which has saved us a fortune in money and calories. We also just don't have lots of snacks lying around, because everything is budgeted out. I haven't binged in months, but it would be difficult (because of the budget), even if I wanted to!

While I've been organizing my blog, I've been going through some of my old journal posts from "Open Diary"--where I blogged from 2000-2011. I occasionally post snippets here and there from my old blog (it's no longer online, but I have a hard copy). A few days ago, I was looking for my Wednesday Weigh-ins from 2006-2009, and I came across a post that shocked me.

It's a little long, but I just have to share it. The date was July 5, 2007...
As I've mentioned, I've been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for my depression (it has gotten pretty bad lately). Today, the psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis that shocked me--she said that she believes I'm bipolar. Just the word "bipolar" scares me. It never really crossed my mind before, but now that I've thought about it, it really makes perfect sense. I'm embarrassed about it though, so I don't really plan on telling anyone.
I remember when I was a kid, my next-door neighbor (a mid-50s man) was bipolar (or, "manic depressive" as it was called back then), and that was all the whole neighborhood knew about him. That was the explanation for him being "weird" and his grass never being cut, and him hating kids, and everything else. Which is stupid, I know that now, but that's why this diagnosis embarrasses me I guess. Anyways, it's not like I've changed--I'm the same today as I was yesterday. It's weird what hearing one little word does to you. 
My husband was pretty relieved to have an answer to this too--now at least we know what's wrong and maybe with the meds it'll get better. I have to go back in 2 weeks to follow-up and see how the medication is working. 
One of the things about this that occurred to me was my "dieting mojo"--that's what I always call it here, for lack of a better word. I've tried to describe it, and how you either have the mojo or you don't, etc etc. But I realize now that I was actually talking about a 'manic' phase (which makes me feel kind of stupid now, because I assumed everyone had 'mojo' phases for months at a time, haha). 
I go through these periods for months at a time where I feel like I'm on top of the world, including when it comes to losing weight. This last time (in Nov) I joined Curves, started Weight Watchers, flew through the holidays with no problem, and losing weight seemed so easy. Then in April, I went into depression, and I lost my "mojo"--not only was I not able to stay on track dieting, but I didn't even really have the desire to. I just didn't care. I'm speaking in past tense, but that's actually how I feel right now. 
So hopefully, with the help of the medication (which is supposed to regulate my moods), I'll be able to get in the swing of things and not crash at the end. I've had these phases (for what I now know is bipolar) for years--ever since I was a kid. So much more of my life is starting to make sense."

Isn't that crazy?! I mentioned that I was diagnosed before, but I don't remember anything about it. Actually, I thought that the psychiatrist I saw was a man, so my memory is terrible. That's one of the reasons I love blogging--it helps me out when my memory just isn't working.

Anyway, it sounds like I accepted that diagnosis. I do remember why I stopped those meds rather quickly, and I really regret it now. But someone who is pretty close to me (I don't want to mention names, because I don't want them to feel bad) said some things about the diagnosis that made me feel invalid. The person convinced me that the diagnosis was wrong, and I let that get to me. So, I quit the mood stabilizer before it even had a chance to work, and I went back on antidepressants. And I forgot all about it!

That was TEN YEARS AGO. I can't help but wonder about what my life would have been like if I'd stuck with the medication. Things might have been completely different. I'm not going to dwell on it, but it's still hard not to wonder. I just thought it was interesting that I happened to come across that journal entry now, at this point in my life.

Things are going very well with my current medication. I have been having some issues with anxiety, but my depression hasn't even been a minor issue since I started the new meds. I talked with my psychiatrist about my anxiety, but I don't want to start another medication if I can help it, so I'm going to wait longer and try some things I learned in therapy to help.

Aside from the anxiety, my mood has been great. I've been nervous that it's only temporary, and I really hope not! I feel good :)


  1. It must be so interesting to go back through your old blog and find things like this!
    Sounds like you're in a much better place now and doing well :)
    Thanks for sharing!

    Rachel | Coffee & Avocados

  2. Katie I love that you found this post! The way I look at it is that you now have that "2nd opinion" confirming you're on the right track with treatment.

    On another note, I could relate to the mojo story. I have weeks where I am compliant on my diet and weeks where I binge, weeks where I feel determined and focused, and weeks where I feel unhinged or "can't seem to get it together". I do not think it's bipolar II, but sometimes it sounds like it. I wonder if there is such a thing as "mild" symptoms or maybe its hypothyroidism which I do have. Maybe I'm just a typical female and I'm reading too much into it. ��

  3. <3 Can you believe I have been your reader for OVER 10 years! Sometimes I miss open diary lol ;)


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