May 01, 2020

My First Real Binge in Over Three Years

So, I binged last night.

I hadn't been keeping track of how long it had been since my last binge, but I knew it had been sometime in early 2017. That was the year I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on mood stabilizing medications.

I felt great after starting the meds! And 2017 was the year I decided that I was going to work on living my "happiest life"--doing whatever made me happy and NOT doing whatever didn't make me happy (other than my obligations, of course, like being a chauffeur to the kids and cleaning my house and grocery shopping, etc.).

Living my happiest life seemed to turn off the binge eating disorder. It was like a switch just flipped and I stopped binge eating. Just like that.

Sure, over the last three years I've overeaten. I've eaten for emotional reasons. I've eaten when I wasn't hungry. But those times weren't true binge eating episodes (loss of control). Here is a post about the difference between binge eating and overeating.

Yesterday, I felt... different. I had gotten up at 4:30 AM with Jerry, because I've been trying to regulate my sleep routine. (I had gone to bed before 9:00 the night before!). I felt fine during the morning. Even though I said I wasn't going to, I worked a little on the drywall in the garage. (Even though I was sore, I just couldn't help myself!)

I noticed that at around noon, my energy level just dropped like a giant rock off a cliff. I came in the house and sat down to chill for a little while (watching an old episode of Oprah!) and playing Best Fiends on my phone.

While I was playing, I literally fell asleep. My phone dropped in my lap, startling me awake. A few days ago, I wrote about how I NEVER nap because my body just doesn't fall asleep during the day. Even after only sleeping for a few hours at night, I just cannot nap. A few hours of sleep keeps me wide awake all day.

Well, after my phone dropped, I decided to lie down on the couch for "just a minute" to finish the Oprah episode. I woke up over an hour later when the stupid Honeywell Instant Alert System (an automated message system from my kids' schools) called three times in a row. I was SO TIRED that I just couldn't even move.

I knew I need to get up and make dinner. But I just laid on the couch trying to muster up the will to get up. I'd been planning to make chicken thighs--with skin and bone, something I'd never bought before--pan searing them and then finishing them in the oven; along with steamed broccoli on the side.

Jerry has been interested in intermittent fasting and he watched some film (called FAT on Amazon Prime) about cutting back on carbs. While I love carbs, I wanted to be supportive, so I said I'd try it with him for just a week. (I didn't plan on doing this myself for longer, but I wanted to at least help him get started.)

Side note: Jerry and the kids LOVED the chicken. It was like eating the crispy skin on chicken was a huge treat for them, haha). Again, I felt bad for not cooking things like that before! End side note.

You can see where I'm going here...

I love carbs. My body loves carbs. Giving up carbs is NOT realistic for me to do for the rest of my life, so I shouldn't do it now. Remember my "Golden Rule" for weight loss?). The reason I didn't even write about the plan yet is because I wasn't sure if I could actually do it for a week. I just wanted to make things easier on Jerry.

Well, I knew I was dragging ass yesterday due to lack of carbs for two days. I'd only gotten carbs from vegetables and some berries. My body felt so deprived. And, as has always been the case for me, binge eating follows deprivation.

So, for the first time in over three years, I binged. I went to the party store (corner store a couple of blocks away) and bought ice cream, chips, and Oreos. I hadn't had ice cream in months (for some reason, I've been craving saltier foods like chips rather than sweets for a few months now).

I've been letting my kids have a few Oreos at night for a bedtime treat, and I've stayed away from them. But yesterday, I was on a mission to binge--so I bought my own at the store. (Thankfully, they only had the six-pack of Oreos; if they'd had the larger pack, I would've bought that.)

I came home and ate it all. I ate the ice cream first, and I started feeling better (physically) already. I still felt ashamed to be eating like that. It was humiliating not to be in control. I was still extremely tired, but nothing like I had been earlier.

I ended up staying up until about 11:30 and I woke up at 6:00. I feel fine now, other than the fact that I binged last night. I really didn't want to write about it here, because like I said--I feel ashamed and humiliated that I did that. But I feel like it's an important thing to mention. I broke my own rule.

THAT "rule" is how I lost 125 pounds. I had tried all the diets (including low carb) back in the day and I couldn't stick with anything long enough to lose weight. It was after I decided not to do anything I wasn't willing to do forever that I finally lost the weight. Fourteen months after that decision nearly 11 years ago, I'd lost 125 pounds, and I was eating things I loved. I hadn't given up anything I didn't want to.

Where will I go from here?

Well, I'm going to follow my own goddamn advice. I'm going to eat how I can sustain to eat for the rest of my life. I'm going to start my morning with tea and whatever I feel like having--breakfast has been all over the place lately. I've been wanting sourdough toast, but I can't get my beloved sourdough at the store, because they are always out of it since the quarantine.

I'll eat a small lunch, because I've never been a big lunch person anyway. Always with fruit. I love fruit.

I'll eat dinner that I cook myself (or that I assign the boys to cook, or help them cook). I'll include the vegetables that I like--and I do like a lot of veggies! I'll eat the healthy foods I enjoy--including carbs. I'll skip the foods I don't like.

And I'll eat a treat at night--whether it's salty or sweet, as long as I like it. Something to end the day with something I can look forward to.

That is a sustainable and enjoyable way for me to eat, and it will help me to get back to staying binge-free. I will also try to help Jerry with his eating plan by cooking things that he enjoys as well. I can continue to cook the meat separate from other things, and I can have carbs on the side--so we both can eat what works for us.

And there you have it. The raw, honest, vulnerable, humiliating truth.

On a positive note, Jerry's has the day off from work today, so I think we're going to try to finish drywalling the final wall of the garage. Then we'll need to rent a drywall lift to work on the ceiling! I can't WAIT to get it done :)

I'd also like to go to JoAnn Fabric's in Toledo to get some more fabric for masks. I've had so many requests!

Finally, I'm going to set my goals for the next three days:

*Cook a healthy meal for dinner for the family each day.
*Eat three meals and one "treat" or snack in the evening.
*Get and stay hydrated (I know I haven't been drinking enough water for the amount of work I've been doing in the garage--I can always feel when I'm dehydrated)
*Bonus: Write in my journal each evening, even if it's just a single sentence.


  1. I have BED. I empathize with your post ❤ You are not your binge. You've got this 😊

  2. Hello Katie,

    I have been reading your blog for years and I have wanted to let you know about the following for the longest time. Please read the article below for some life changing information on the role of carbs for the brains of those of us with depression or bipolar.

  3. "What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human." Brene Brown. What you learn from this is what is important. You know the rule that has helped you, keep that up. Feeling bad about the binge brings nothing but more bad feelings. Own it (which you did here), make a plan to change that negative behavior, and move on. I am currently reading Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works and Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything at the recommendation of a dietitian. I am tired of the diet roller coaster and want to live my best life while being healthier. For many of us this is a life long struggle. What works for one will not always work for another. You have a good plan to support Jerry and know what's good for you. I hope being open here is a good outlet, it helps so many to know they are not alone. Great goals for the next three days! Keep working on your best self Katie, whatever way that fits YOU best. Good luck to Jerry too! Always find joy in the journey you are on!

  4. Please be kind to yourself. This current situation is really hard and I think it is starting to affect us in ways we didn't realize. Keep taking things one day, one step at a time! Hugs from NC

  5. The amazing thing it that it was a one-time event and you ARE back on track today. One day at a time. Or one meal at a time! In a day or two, you’ll forget about it like it never happened! ❤️❤️❤️

  6. Okay, let's get real and honest and gritty here. I have been binging for 6 weeks, and the scale shows it. But yesterday was horrible. I was just stuffing my mouth constantly. I was so full, and yet I couldn't quit eating. You know my story Katie, losing 178 pounds form 2009-2011, and maintaining for a while before some minor regains (30-50 lbs.) about every other year which I managed to get back off before it became a 90-lb. regain in 2018. I joined WW, attending meetings and got it all off before my 50th high school reunion last August. I really thought achieving Lifetime status at WW, would be the key, the secret to keeping it off. But ever since not being able to attend actual WW meetings (they do hold their meetings on Zoom, and I watch those, but I feel like such a fraud), I've been eating way too much and have gained about 20 lbs. I know a lot of it is water weight which will come right off, but at least 10 lbs. of it is good solid FAT, that will take some time. I got an email the other day that WW wouldn't start having in-person meetings until June 1, so instead of thinking, "Alright a month to get the weight back off," I thought, "Alright, another month of binge eating." There are addicts and there are ADDICTS, and I am an ADDICT. I feel mentally humiliated and ashamed and really just horrible physically when I eat like this. And yet I can't STOP! Good God, what made me like this? I even order junk on Amazon, because I've been trying not to go to the grocery store much. This Quarantine has not been good for me. At first I looked at as a way to get back on track, maybe get BELOW my lifetime weight, so I had more leeway but instead I've gone the other way. My son did the low carb diet a couple years ago, both he and his wife and were successful. He is the marathon runner, and they both lost some weight following it. I knew it wasn't for me. As soon as I shut off a whole food group, that's what I crave, and I immediately cave and give into the urges to eat whatever. I like WW's plan, (I'm using the Blue plan, it's pretty much the same as the old plan, on which I lost weight in 2019), no food is off limits, but quantities are severely limited. I just want more and more and more until I am so stuffed you'd think I couldn't eat more, and then eat more. Lord, give me strength to fight this and get this weight off before I have to go back to WW and weigh in on THEIR scale and not lie about it on the WW App, as I've been doing. Good luck to both of us Katie!!!!

  7. I can send you fabric for masks. I sent you an email on Friday about it. I would be happy to help. If you can reply to my email and let me know the size of fabric you need I would be happy to send you some. Sarah Waterman

  8. Katie,

    I always enjoy what you write and your willingness to share. You help remind me that the path is not always straight, nor even always heading in the direction we want.

    I understand that “I feel ashamed and humiliated that I did that” in the middle of the post was how your experienced it.

    However, later in the post you state “And there you have it. The raw, honest, vulnerable, humiliating truth.” And that seems to be a later reflection of the ‘facts’. Everything above it was honest and vulnerable, but I did not see it as humiliating at all. You just had one day that didn’t turn out as you planned and then understood what it might mean for your long-term journey.

    Could just the feeling have been humiliating but not the act itself?

    Again, that you for your openness.

    Enjoy the new kittens!

  9. Katie, 3 years without a binge is amazing. I think I have just finally accepted that I will atill have a binge every so often. But follow that rule of yours! It sure has helpped me!

  10. Katie, 3 years without a binge is amazing. I think I have just finally accepted that I will atill have a binge every so often. But follow that rule of yours! It sure has helpped me!

  11. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. No one here is judging you, except you. We all forgive and accept you!


Feel free to leave a comment! I had to turn on comment moderation due to a ton of spam comments, but I will approve your comment ASAP.

Featured Posts

Blog Archive