June 02, 2019

Five Months Sober (An Alcohol-Free Update--My Likes and Dislikes of Sobriety)


As of yesterday, I am five months without alcohol.

I feel like that's a pretty big deal! I've written about my history with alcohol before, so I won't get into it too much here, but here's the gist...

On January 1st of this year, I decided that I wanted to quit drinking for an entire year as a self experiment. I wanted to know if my body and mind felt better without alcohol. I wouldn't have considered myself an "alcoholic" before, but I could certainly see it becoming a problem if I continued drinking how I was.

I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol (meaning I didn't have withdrawal symptoms when quitting cold turkey). I think that alcohol, for me, was a way of coping with anxiety. It helped to calm my nerves when I felt anxious and it helped me to be more social with friends. It was a reason to get together with old friends ("Hey, let's go out for a drink and catch up!"). It was nice to sit down with Jerry and chat while sharing a bottle of wine.

I romanticized the idea of drinking when referring to the social scenarios: sipping wine with a friend; having margaritas when going out for Mexican food; having drinks while catching up with someone I hadn't seen in a long time; having a cold beer at a barbecue.

So, I wasn't the stereotypical person who had problems with alcohol. I wasn't drinking and driving or going out to bars every night. I never got DUI's or went to jail for drinking. Alcohol wasn't running my life or causing problems with my family.

However, I knew that using alcohol to cope with anxiety and/or to make myself have more fun was definitely not healthy, and having the predisposition for addiction issues (people with bipolar are notorious for addiction problems), I worried that it could turn into a big problem eventually. And I knew that I was drinking too much--too frequently and too much in volume.

All of this is why, I think, that my experiment with sobriety has been different from many others'.

When I decided to give up drinking, I loved reading about all the benefits in my future--less anxiety and depression, more energy, clearer skin, weight loss, sleeping better, feeling happier in general, etc.

Well, those things didn't happen for me. It's kind of a bummer!

I don't regret doing this experiment at all--there are definitely benefits that I have noticed...

LIKES:
  • I like not having to worry about having a designated driver if I go out somewhere (I'm the driver now!). 
  • I like never having to worry about a hangover or feeling crummy the next day. 
  • I like saving money on drinks when going out to dinner. 
  • I like that I feel less bloated. I used to get bloated quite often, and now I rarely do.
  • I like knowing that any little ache or pain or anything at all that is going on with my body has nothing to do with alcohol.
  • I like the example that I'm setting for my kids--that not all adults drink alcohol and we can still have fun without it.
  • I like that I don't send cringe-worthy texts to friends only to feel embarrassed about them later.
  • I like that I don't have to worry about whether I said something stupid or acted obnoxiously the night before.
  • I like having something that I can feel proud of; I made a very difficult goal and I'm sticking to it.
  • I like waking up and remembering everything that happened the night before.


There are certainly things that I don't like so much. I gave up something that played a rather big role in my life, so of course there are things that I don't enjoy...

DISLIKES:
  • My weight hasn't changed much at all since I quit drinking. If anything, it's higher.
  • I don't have a way to cope with anxiety (at least nothing that works for me). Flying on an airplane? That is the HARDEST thing for me to do while sober! 
  • I'm extremely quit in social situations.
  • I don't think people understand just how hard this was for me, and therefore, nobody recognizes my milestones (30 days, 90 days, etc.) As lame as it sounds, I really want a pat on the back and a "Good for you! I am sure this has been so hard, but I'm proud of you!" I think that the reason people don't recognize it or think much of it is probably because I wasn't necessarily an alcoholic and I never hit some sort of "rock-bottom" or went to rehab or anything like that.
  • I don't like that some people automatically assume I'm boring or no fun because I don't drink. I'm actually guilty of thinking of others that way before I quit. 
  • I have no sex drive. Wine was a surefire way to put me in the mood, but my libido went right down the drain with the alcohol.
  • I still have insomnia. For the first couple of weeks, I thought I was sleeping better; after that, however, my insomnia has been pretty bad.
  • I don't have the burst of energy that I hoped to get after quitting drinking. When I read about others' experiences, they share about how life is all sunshine and rainbows now, and they are just bursting with energy that they never had when drinking. I was SO looking forward to that, but it hasn't happened (yet). 

Overall, I am very glad that I'm doing this (despite the dislikes I mentioned above). Maybe after some more time goes by, I'll notice more benefits. I committed to do this for a year, but there is a good chance that I'll continue beyond that.

I missed drinking for the first couple of months, but after that, I really haven't missed it at all (except for flying on an airplane). Having the non-alcoholic Heineken has helped tremendously. Unlike regular beer, I don't drink much of it. It's so interesting--when I was drinking, one beer was never enough. Each one made me want another. Now, however, I'll drink a non-alcoholic Heineken and I'm totally satisfied with just that one. 

I am still hopeful that I'll start seeing the benefits such as reduced anxiety and more energy, but I guess we'll see about that as time goes on. Several people have told me that it takes at least a year to really reap the benefits that go with sobriety. One more month and I'll be halfway there! It's going by so quickly.


26 comments:

  1. It must be hard to stop cold turkey and refrain from something you enjoy so much, good job Katie!!!. I hear you when you say that people assume you are boring for not drinking! As a Baptist Christian, I don't drink much and people tend to think I am boring, too; especially my husband! Hahaha. I do dance with him at parties, so that's something we both can enjoy.
    Keep up the good job, I personally think this is the best decision you're making; you really don't need alcohol and your kids will see your great example.
    Thanks for posting, I have been following your blog for a couple of years now, and I really enjoy your honesty and candidness. I am writing from Peru in South America. God bless, Katie!

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting! That's funny about your husband! I wish I had the confidence to dance, but I never have--even with several drinks in me, haha.

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  2. It was nice to hear someone's experience that is similar to mine. My likes and dislikes are totally similar, minus the lack of sex drive. :) Always been a morning person.... Biggest thing for me is something you mentioned; I cannot just have one beer. I don't like something having control over me like that. I smoked year ago and I remember having the same feeling about that. Did you start because of One Year No Beer? If not, really interesting guy on Rich Roll's podcast last week. Andy Ramage is his name I think. Go girl! I made a year in April and am continuing. The anxiety is the biggest thing I cannot stop but I'm trying all kinds of things for that. Even running in place!! Congrats. It is a HUGE accomplishment in a world where drinking is so normalized and promoted. Oh, I also love Mrs D Goes Without.

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    1. I haven't heard of One Year No Beer--it sounds interesting! I read Rich Roll's book and loved it; I'll have to check out his podcast. Thanks for the suggestions!

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  3. Hi Katie! Thank you so much for sharing this! I thought I was the only one - I have stopped and am at 189 days - and agree with your post word for word. I am also waiting for the benefits lol! In fact my weight has gone up because I have been craving sugar like crazy. Starting fresh today with eating better. I wanted to say good job and you are amazing! I know how hard it is so hang in there. Glad to know you are with me on this road! I love your blog!

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one! (Sorry that you're not feeling on top of the world like many sober people seem to be, but at least I know I'm not alone in that, haha). I haven't been craving sugar, but I definitely have been eating more because I just feel like I want SOMETHING. I'm hoping that will normalize over time, too!

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  4. Well I'm proud of you! That's a HUGE acomplishment! I think you've been doing such a great job at all this stuff you've set out to do! Your DIY home makeover, sobriety, etc. You have a lot to be proud of!!

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    1. Thank you! It does feel nice to feel proud of things that don't have anything to do with my weight loss :)

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  5. Congratulations on making it 5 months! That's amazing! I don't drink all that often, but the idea of going that long without even having a glass of wine sounds challenging, so I do think you are working hard. I am sorry to hear about some of the dislikes. It seems counter-intuitive that sleep wouldn't improve. Do you drink a lot of caffeine? I find I have to watch my caffeine intake, especially in the afternoon. (I'm sure you know this with all of the diet exploring you do, but thought I'd throw it out there.) I hope some of the "dislikes" improve for you over time. Good luck! You're doing great!

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    1. Yeah, I don't understand the sleep thing either--but I've had insomnia pretty much my whole life, so it's not new. I just hoped that quitting alcohol would help! I don't drink much caffeine--coffee in the morning, but I am weaning off the caffeinated stuff and I'm at about a 50/50 ratio of caff/decaf right now. Thanks for your support!

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  6. Helllooo Katie! This is an awesome post and kudos on five months of sobriety--that's huge! My husband and I give up alcohol at Lent, (just as a cleanse not for religious reasons) and I concur with all your likes plus the fact I only loose a pound or two over 40-days is a bit disappointing. But unlike you, 40 days felt like six months! Keep posting your updates and I may try this challenge myself. ~Janet xo

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    1. Thank you! At first, the days felt like forever... when I saw I was only at 20 days or 30 days, it had felt like several months had gone by. Now, looking back, I can't believe the year is almost halfway over!

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  7. I think it's awesome that you're experimenting. I have anxiety/OCD/Depression. I quit drinking in 2001 and haven't looked back. Definitely worth it for me and I wish I had listened to my thoughts earlier and tried it. I know I have issues with alcohol but not by the definition you mentioned either. It validated for me that I was right all along. Maybe this is a lesson that all you need is to believe for yourself. You have grown so much this year! I am so grateful that you share with us. You have been truly inspirational!

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    1. Thank you for sharing! I wish I had tried it sooner, too, but I definitely don't think I was ready. The winter was rough for me, and that was when I finally decided that I wanted to give it my all to quit alcohol. I knew it would be super hard, so I announced my intentions to everyone on my blog and on my personal Facebook page--I felt there was no going back after that ;)

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  8. I remember when I got pregnant the first time and stopped drinking - it was so weird when everyone is drinking and you're not, but it gets better. And then at the other end of postpartum, it was so weird to have a drink again. I have multiple times thought if I should stop drinking alcohol completely, since I noticed that as soon as I feel a bit down I like to have a drink or two. So now I am pregnant again, not drinking of course and thinking if I should not drink after this baby at all. I heard from so many people that they feel better physically after quitting alcohol. So I guess I'll see in a year or so, but I feel I might stick to no alcohol for quite a bit longer.
    Thank you Kate for being so honest about your experiences! :)

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    1. It's kind of odd how quitting drinking during pregnancy doesn't seem to be difficult at all (at least for me it wasn't). It just felt like a given, and I didn't miss or crave it. So I don't know why it was so challenging to quit just for the sake of quitting (mental and physical health). Thank you for sharing, and congrats on the pregnancy! :)

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  9. I think it's great that you've resisted social cues to drink, and are working to find other ways to deal with anxiety. When I was in grad school, I woke up from a night out with my friends feeling like I'd just gotten over the stomach flu and been hit by a truck--and I remembered my grandfather telling me, when he was dying, to avoid alcohol (he had been an alcoholic before I was born, but then went cold turkey). I decided then to stop drinking, even when I went out with my friends at the bar. It was pretty easy.

    But--I didn't expect any head pats from my friends, and I didn't really get any. Most of my friends were fine with me not drinking, one was hostile (he was a a very heavy drinker and wanted everyone else to be drinking around him--signs of an alcohol problem), but it's not like people thought I was a superhero. We had friends who were in recovery from alcoholism, and their disease had wrecked their lives, and they were working on rebuilding and trying to repair the relationships they'd ruined with their alcoholism. It kind of put in in perspective for me.

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    1. That's awesome that you had an easy time with quitting. Physically, quitting was no problem at all for me. But mentally, it was hard to get used to.

      And yeah, I feel silly expecting recognition from someone--anyone--for doing this. Of course nobody really cares except for me! I guess I just feel like I am doing something that so many people would find challenging, and the validation would be nice :) Now, however, I'm kind of over that. It was the first 30 days that I was most excited about!

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    2. I completely understand, and I want to stress I'm really happy for you. New studies are showing that alcohol really isn't good for us, overall, no matter what they might say about red wine and such. I also think it's great for our kids to see us having fun without alcohol, so that when they might be in situations where they feel pressured to drink, they can draw on their experiences growing up.

      I think part of the reason I didn't need validation much is I was kind of rebelling against the social circle I was in--English grad students, at least the ones I knew, loved to drink and we always met at a bar when we got together--and I kind of liked being the "odd one out", if that makes sense. I also was the only one who didn't smoke.

      *I* am proud of you, if the validation from an internet stranger makes any difference! There is a lot of social pressure, and it seems nowadays it's "cool" for moms to drink wine whenever they can (if social media tells me anything), especially to 'deal' with having had a rough day. I'm proud of you for bucking that trend.

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  10. Katie, congrats on the 5 months (152 days?). That is a HUGE deal. And it's great that you've been updating your blog about your progress. So I went back and read your 62 day post and it seems like things have changed in a few areas from 62 to now - the sleep, sex, and energy - which previously, you noticed as improving. Just an interesting observation that those things that were better initially now seem to be worse? Just curious if you had any insight on the change.
    Also, in regards to anxiety, perhaps your doc can help with that? Personally, I found that though I did use alcohol to cope, it actually made things worse. Of course, this is between you and her but I'd be surprised if a psychiatrist prescribing/managing meds for bipolar would be on board with alcohol as a means to cope with anxiety.
    It also struck me that it might help you manage the rest of your year by taking a peek at a few more resources. There are a few that address grey area drinking, which is sort of what you describe. A good podcast is the Edit Podcast with Aiden Donelley Rowley and Jolene Park https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/editing-our-drinking-and-our-lives/id1244546254. Jolene also has a website https://grayareadrinkers.com/ and a Ted Talk about this. Aiden has an instagram called Drybeclub which you could search. This is all meant to be helpful, not critical - and by following some of these folks on instagram, you'd probably get tons of support and acknowledgment for what you've achieved. I haven't gotten it from those particularly close to me but most still drink. Any way - best to you and you've got lots of cheers from folks here.

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    1. Thank you Betsy! You're right, the things that seemed to be getting better at first are now back to before. I'm wondering if maybe it was a placebo effect at the beginning... I was expecting all these things to change and in my mind, they did. Or it could all just be coincidence. I just wish my expectations weren't so high! I'd really hoped to see huge changes to write about all year.

      Thank you for the podcast suggestions! I listen to the Edit one sometimes, but I'd never heard of "gray area drinkers". I'm going to search for Drybeclub right now. Thank you! <3

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    2. Oh! It's called "drylifeclub"--and I've already been following! :)

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  11. me back...In fact, the latest episode on the Edit podcast is around grey area drinking!

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    1. I will have to give it a listen! I have a ton of weeds to pull from the yard, so I'll be listening to a lot of podcasts ;)

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  12. Hi, I also quit drinking for a year in 2018. I quit to see if I would lose weight to be honest LOL. But I didn't lose any weight, in fact, I gained as I craved sugar more than I ever had in my life for the first few months. But the cravings for sugar subsided after awhile and I stopped gaining weight, which was a relief.
    Well the year is over and I have drank again. But now, I just don't enjoy it like I did before. I can take it or leave it and that in itself is a win to me because I used to think it was a necessity for social situations and such.
    Also, for me, now when I drink, it affects my sleep (causes insomnia) like it never did before. So I rarely drink now because I love sleeping well more LOL.
    Anyway, I hope at the end of the year, you find even more good things from taking this time off. :)

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    1. This is so interesting!! I love hearing from someone who has done this same experiment. I'm afraid if I start again when the year is over, that it'll feel just like before (using the alcohol for anxiety). But I don't want to make that decision until the time comes. Maybe my anxiety will have calmed down by then! (Haha, I can always hope). It's GREAT that you were able to change your relationship with alcohol and now you are more or less indifferent toward it. I'd say that's a big success!

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