April 25, 2019

Thoughts On My Current Weight (and Wednesday Weigh-In)


Thoughts on My Body

I was going to post this yesterday, but I was feeling rushed and decided to wait so that I could write my current thoughts about my weight and where I am right now. Not that it's super exciting or anything, but I feel much better than I ever have about my body, weight, and exercise, and I think it's worth writing about.

I never thought I would be at such a "high" weight and be comfortable--even content--with it. I put "high" in quotes because it's all relative; I'm almost 40 pounds up from my lowest weight. When I first dipped into the 160's a few years ago, I panicked and started Weight Watchers (or calorie counting?) to get my weight back down. That number was so important.

As of yesterday morning, I was at 160.0 pounds. Down a little from my last weigh-in.

Wednesday Weigh-In


I tried explaining to Jerry where my mindset is right now, and I had such a hard time describing it. I'm not sure I'll do much better here, but I'll try.

When I posted my high weight a couple of months ago (165-something) somebody mentioned that my current high weight was their GOAL weight, and for some reason, that really struck a chord with me. I started to feel more accepting and introspective of my goals.

Interestingly, quitting drinking has made me really think about why we do the things we do, including weight loss. Why did I feel like it would be awkward to be the only one not drinking at a get-together? Why did I feel it was so important to get down to and maintain a weight under 135 pounds?

Thinking about the drinking is what led to the weight, so I'll start with that. Not drinking is no longer an issue for me--I don't have cravings and I don't feel "left out" or awkward. And I started realizing that if anyone feels awkward, it's usually people who are drinking around people who aren't. I'm not judgmental at all, and I couldn't care less about who is or is not drinking. However, when I used to drink, I always used to notice when someone wasn't drinking. And I wouldn't even think of ordering a drink at a restaurant if my companion wasn't drinking. It would have felt awkward.

I asked myself recently who I was trying to impress. Anybody can drink; it's not like I was doing something "special". So, why did I feel like I wasn't "cool" for not drinking? It seemed so ridiculous to me (and this is the part I have such a hard time explaining to Jerry). I have no idea if people judge me for not drinking, but why would I feel that mattered? Do I really care if I look "uncool" for not drinking?

And the answer is no. I don't care if people judge, because I'm not trying to impress anyone. If people feel awkward drinking around me, it's not my fault. I never even bring up the not drinking (people have asked and I give a short explanation, but I try not to make it a "thing"). I'm doing what I'm doing because it's what I want to do; there is no reason to live life trying to fit in or impress others.

Which brings me to the weight issue...

I weigh 160 pounds. I wear a size 10. So what? I'm not at my lowest weight, I can no longer say I'm 100+ pounds below my starting weight of 253, I'm not a size 2 or 4. Does anyone really care?! I'm approaching 40 years old and I have two kids. I think I look pretty good!

mirror selfie

I don't know why I never gave it much thought before. I think having a blog that is so public about my issues with weight made me feel pressured to be an "ideal" success story--dropping the weight until I'm not just average, but thin. Not just exercising for health, but a marathon runner. Going from obese to average wasn't good enough--I felt like I had to stand out because so many people were interested in (and impressed with) my story.

And yes, the story is more dramatic when I can say I lost 137 pounds, ran three marathons, and could run a sub-8:00 mile for 6+ miles. But other than using those numbers to feel like a valid success story, WHO CARES? I don't care what other people weigh or how hardcore their exercise is. Sure, it might be impressive to learn, but it's not something that sticks with me for longer than that moment. I don't think about how fast they are or how skinny they are or anything like that. So, why should I try to have "impressive" numbers?

It seems so ridiculous now!

It was then that I became peaceful and content with my weight. I used to think I was content with where I was, and I tried convincing myself (and others) of that. Subconsciously, though, I was assuming that I'd get my weight back down to "thin" and then I'd *actually* been content.

I can honestly say that even if I don't lose another pound, I am content with where I am. As long as I am healthy and able-bodied to be active and enjoy life, I'm cool with this body. I'm done trying to impress anyone with my weight loss and/or running success stats.

As for my current habits...

Since making peace with my body, I've also made peace with food and exercise. I don't count calories or anything else. I don't even try to eat "intuitively"--which always felt like a diet, too. I eat what I like, and I try to make my portion size what I feel is ideal (not stuffing myself, but not feeling deprived). I don't put much thought into it at all, actually. And after I eat, it's totally out of my mind. I don't feel guilty or worry about how it will affect my weight.

For exercise, I've been walking. I haven't been following any sort of plan (even the one I wrote several weeks ago). Instead, I take Joey for long-ish walks, focusing more on just being mobile than on "exercising". I've learned that my body gets stiff and achy when I spend a few days being inactive, so even just going for a stroll makes me feel good. I'm sure I'll start riding my bike (for pleasure) as the weather warms up, too.

Every evening after dinner, we (Jerry, Noah, Eli, and I) take Joey on a walk around the neighborhood. We used to do this all the time, and it's so nice--we get to talk about what's going on with each of us without the distraction of phones, computers, TV, etc. My kids love their phones, but even they really like going on these relatively short (20 minutes or so) walks in the evenings. There have been a few times where all I want to do is sit down and chill after dinner, but I feel like the walks have been important--not just for exercise, but for family time--and we do it regardless.

Is going for strolls with the family as impressive as running several miles a day? Nope. Does it matter to me? Nope.

I thought about the irony of posting a weigh-in every Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday) when it clearly doesn't matter; but the transparency of it validates that I am not ashamed. So I think I'll continue to do it, at least for a while.

I saw this on Instagram (not sure where it originated--I am told it is from "The F*ck It Diet" book author) and I thought it was highly appropriate here:

"You are not alive just to pay bills and lose weight"

Amen to that!


40 comments:

  1. You have been blogging less and less. Are you going to continue or have you outgrow the desire to do so?

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    1. I'm not sure! I enjoy writing when I am not trying to force it, so I'll probably continue to write how I have been over the last year or so. I would like to write more regularly, but I just don't have enough to talk about ;)

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  2. It's great your happy with your healthy body. I keep reading you posts because I want read about a parents experiences. Being single and lossing weight is a lot different to looking after kids and losing weight. My kids are younger than your and I hope when they are older it will be easier. It's good to know being health is definitely possible and lastly I love the sound of family walks, I think people is what life is all about

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    1. The family walks sound so 1950's, haha, but with kids doing more and more by themselves and rarely spending time as a family, I don't think it's too much to ask for 20 minutes a day. And thankfully, they like it! :)

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  3. Huge breakthrough Katie! Great job. I would also say your close enough to 100 lbs down to own it. You hit the nail on the head with this. So happy you are doing well and I hope you continue to blog. Love reading your posts

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    1. Thank you so much! I used to feel like that "100" was the greatest number--I loved the reactions from people when they heard how much I'd lost. Now, I'm really starting to realize how silly that is. I've never loved the spotlight, but I just liked the recognition for my hard work. I'm finally past that point, and I really want to do what is just best for me--mentally and physically. Thanks for reading!

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  4. Way to go Katie! And when you ask if going for strolls with the family is as impressive as running miles every day, I say more so!! 20 years from now you and most others won't remember your runs but I guarantee you and every member of your family will one day treasure those nightly walks and the memories made on them together. That is far more important. I am so happy for your change of heart. Like they say , you do you and forget the rest!!

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    1. I hadn't thought of it that way, but you are SO right. My running will be long gone from my mind, aside for a couple of races I worked so hard for. But getting to hang out with my family, no distractions, will definitely be memories to cherish :)

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  5. You and I are in a very similar boat, and I am almost at peace with where I am, too. I have been getting closer and closer, and I love reading how happy you are. You are such an inspiration - at any weight, at any size. You are a success because of who you are inside, and what you've done on the outside. You amaze me and I am so proud of your breakthrough :)

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    1. Thank you so much for saying so, Sonja! I have really struggled over the years thinking that I wasn't good enough if I gained weight; I felt like I was letting down my readers and people who I inspired. I loved being at my thinnest weight, but it played so many mind games and I was also so stressed out about it. Now, I'd still like to drop some of it, but if I don't, I'm totally okay with that. I even went out and bought some size 10 jeans and medium tops that fit me well. Instantly, I felt better! Trying to squeeze into my 4's was just ridiculous and far from flattering.

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  6. Hi Katie. I Lost 80 pounds 12 years ago and have kept it off. I am a runner and a size 10. I am healthy, active, fit and very average. I could try to be thinner but would be much less happy trying to achieve and maintain a lower weight. The best advice I’ve ever heard about weight loss and maintenance is that Your best weight you reach while living the healthiest life you actually enjoy. You are beautiful inside and out. I I am happy that you are content. Life is way too short not to be.

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    1. I love this, Denise! I am so happy for you, finding that in-between place of being "average" in size and healthy. To get down to my lowest weight, I was counting calories and training SO hard for my 10K--and I don't want to spend my whole life doing that just to see a more impressive number on the scale. Because who cares?! ;) Thank you so much for the kind comment.

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  7. Being at peace, comfortable, and happy is wonderful. Keep doing you!

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    1. Thank you, Cat! I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm feeling very close. And it's awesome!

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  8. I love this post. You "sound" so happy.

    I have a fear of contentment sometimes. Everytime I start to feel OK about my weight or running or really anything I tend to fall off the wagon in a way, a sort of self sabotage I feel. So frustrating.

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    1. I used to have that fear, too. I thought contentment meant that I should just accept myself as the size I was no matter what. However, I realized that there is an in-between place. I am content at this size, because I'm not counting calories or restricting in any way and I'm not forcing myself to do exercises I don't want to do. Running certainly served its purpose for me, but I feel like I can get there on my own now by doing what I want to do. And I feel that if I'm eating like a "normal" person, and not binge eating, my weight won't fluctuate too much. And if it does? I'll reevaluate. But for now, I'm happy with what I'm doing.

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  9. Awesome! I love this! And I love that Instagram picture you posted at the end. How true is that?! Really does put things in perspective. Good for you Katie!! <3

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    1. Doesn't it?! I was so excited when I saw that. Because it applies to SO MANY PEOPLE that I know. I would be scared to know how many hours I've spent over the years thinking about and trying to lose weight.

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    1. Thank you, Bridgette! I hope it resonated with you as it did with me :)

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  11. AMEN Katie!! YES YES YES!

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    1. Well, thank you, Ms! By the way, how have you been doing?? I haven't heard from you in a while!

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  12. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. So glad you are finding your way there. Most of us struggle with trying to reach a certain goal, number on the scale, etc., and find ourselves lacking when we just can't get there. Human nature I think. Like you, I have reached a place where I am happy with the progress I have made in my weight loss journey and plan to live my life with intent for doing worthy things, not regret for not reaching a number on the scale that has no real worth to me. I have enjoyed keeping up with you and reading about all of your adventures, however, if you feel it is time to let this part of your journey go, then do what feels right to you. You have been inspirational to many people along the way and for that I thank you.

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    1. Thank you so much, Cheryl! I really do love my blog, and it would be really difficult to just quit altogether. I can't imagine life without it! I may get there someday, but for now I'd like to just stop stressing about it and post one when I feel the need or desire to. I've met so many fantastic people through blogging, I'd hate to lose that!

      It sounds like you are doing so well with finding a balance that works for you! That's such a hard thing for people (especially women) to achieve. Great job! xo

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  13. Congratulations!!! On you being YOU! Don't exercise, eat or blog for us necessarily, you do it for YOU! We just follow along because you are a writer, you express yourself in a way that we can relate to. You've made a lot of followers along the way of weight-loss but that's not your life anymore...You are now living your life, enjoying your life, and you MUST keep that...I'm so happy for you! I also hope that you keep blogging because you are one of my FAV's!!! No matter what you post about...

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    1. I really appreciate that more than you know! It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like a circus animal in a cage, all eyes on me and I'm expected to perform. I'm always afraid of disappointing people. However, I have recently been thinking about that and who the heck am I trying to avoid disappointing? Maybe the people who follow me for weight loss motivation, but I feel like I provided that in the entire backlog of my posts. I'd like to focus on more fun things now :) (I'll still write about weight and weight loss, but in a different way)

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  14. This is awesome. You've made the shift to focusing on what is healthy for you, both emotionally (perhaps especially emotionally) and physically. You look great, whether you are at 140 or 160, probably because you remain fit. Walking is a great (and peaceful) exercise, and I love that you do that with family now. Special memories! You've reached a point where you are sick of obsessing about food (counting calories, even 'intuitive eating,'etc.) and you are eating like a 'normal' person (one of my goals was to someday eat "like a normal person.") It's really wonderful not to have food--or thoughts of food--dominate our lives!! Enjoy the food--and trust yourself to regulate your food intake "like a normal person" who eats what they want when they want, in quantities that their body needs for fuel and satisfaction (I remind myself that my 5'0" body doesn't NEED tons of food to keep it going,and that too much food is a disservice to my body. I feel I'm respecting my body's needs better now, without the binging). Keep focusing first and foremost on staying healthy, both emotionally and physically. BTW, if blogging is a stressor, consider committing to one blog a month and give yourself a break.

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    1. Thank you so much for the kind comment, Lucky! I have definitely hit the point of desiring to be healthy instead of just skinny. I know tons of women who are size 10, or 12, or 14, etc that not only are healthy and active, but gorgeous as well. I love freeing up my mind from the constant thoughts of food. My ultimate goal right now is to be a normal, active housewife/mom. I LOVE doing home improvement, which is very active, and I've been cooking dinner most nights of the week in order to eat home cooked food. Calories be damned! If we eat normal sized portions, we will be fine. :)

      Blogging is definitely the top contributor to my anxiety, and for that reason, it's tempting to quit. But, I'd like to work more on getting over that anxiety. I think it stems from my insecurity about the personal things I post. I hate feeling so vulnerable to others' opinions! I'm working on it, though :) Thank you for reading! xo

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  15. Love this! So glad you are at peace with your body and your weight. I think ultimately that's what most of us are striving for, just takes some twists and turns to get there. Quality of life and family time are way more important than the numbers. You've been an inspiration to me for many years, and I look forward to continuing to follow your journey.

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    1. Thank you so much! I had always felt like there was no going back--as a 125-pound weight loss success story, how could I possibly admit that I'm 160 pounds... and especially that I'm *okay with it* without it sounding like an excuse. Would I like to drop a few? Sure! But I'm not going to go to extraordinary lengths to get there. If it happens, it happens. Thank you so much for following my journey--it means more to me than you'll ever know.

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  16. You say pretty good - I say you look really good in that picture. And you are healthy and mobile so triple win!

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    1. Thank you, thank you! It's still hard to look in the mirror (especially naked--yikes!!) and be totally content, but I'm getting there. Especially when I see myself in photos. And yes, healthy and mobile is the most important thing to me.

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  17. So much YAS GF! All the feels <3

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    1. Thank you much, Rebekah! Love hearing from you :)

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  18. I have seen that quote before and it comes from Caroline Dooner who just published a book called "The F*ck It Diet." Not crazy about the title, but it's good reading, nonetheless. You both seem to have come to the same place regarding dieting, exercise, and weight. Bottomline, there is no diet in the book. It's full of advice and reasoning about not dieting and coming to acceptance about ourselves.

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    1. I have that book on my list! I'd love to read it. I listened to the first couple of the podcasts, and was totally intrigued. It's exactly what I have tried to explain so many times. I'd love to read the book.

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  19. You sound happy and you are healthy. That is what matters. Size 10 is smaller than the average woman, you know.

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    1. Thank you, Melanie! I agree--happy and healthy is the best of both worlds. I wasn't entirely happy when I was at my thinnest, because I was worried about food all the time and I was running 5-6 days a week (which is 5-6 days more than I wanted to, hahaha). Being this size and happy is a much better feeling!

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  20. I love this so much. Especially that you've sort of come full circle with choosing to not drink alcohol, and how you've decided that it's not awkward at all.

    I've been following your blog for quite a while now and love the journey you've been on. You've helped me with some things eating-wise, and I hope you have wise advice for years to come! (No pressure or anything haha)

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  21. I am struggling with similar things right now; I'm also not currently training for a marathon, which feels in a sense, like a "failure." I started running when I started reading your blog, actually! :) I'm also back up in weight to where I was when I started running. I help to coach women with their wellness in an online group, and I'm finding it stressful to try to help them when I'm hanging on to my own with a thread. :( Thank you for sharing what you do!

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I used to publish ALL comments (even the mean ones) but I recently chose not to publish those. I always welcome constructive comments/criticism, but there is no need for unnecessary rudeness/hate. But please--I love reading what you have to say! (This comment form is super finicky, so I apologize if you're unable to comment)