February 27, 2019

My Weight Loss: Wednesday Weigh In and Current Photo (Starting Over)


The internet is loaded with before and after photos of weight loss. My blog is full of them. It's natural--when we work so hard to lose weight, we love to have a visual result. And for those of us with distorted body images, it helps to see how far we've come.

Or, in my case, how far I've gone.

As you all know, this past year has been a huge struggle for me with my weight. Each time I think I figure out the answer, I wind up at square one again.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I felt during certain periods of my life. Recently, I keep thinking about how great I felt in 2017. I was 100% committed to the pursuit of happiness, and I felt amazing. I only did what I wanted to do, I said things that were on my mind, I ate what made me happy... it was fantastic.

Then I had some personal stuff going on, and long story short, I stopped living for happiness but started striving for what USED to be my happiness. I was searching and searching and just couldn't find it, and then I felt like a failure, and then I just beat myself up over it all.

I've been feeling really depressed and anxious lately, and I really don't want this to turn into another year where I spend the year trying to get back to how I was before. I may or may not ever get to that point again.

I want to work on being happy NOW.

What this means, I'm not really sure yet. But I do know that I am not happy at my current weight, and I'd like a fresh start. Begin where I am today. Not like before, though--not with the hope of getting where I used to be, but where I can go from here.

I want to stop feeling ashamed of my weight gain and guilty for not running. I want to stop hating how I look in the mirror due to the fact that I've gained weight. I want to start being in photographs again instead of hiding from the camera. I want to stop avoiding seeing people I know when I'm in public because they will notice.

I want to stop avoiding posting weigh-ins on my blog simply because my weight is the highest it's been in about nine years. I want to stop worrying about what other people will think of my body and the changes it's been through.

So, I'm starting over. I'm not trying to get to where I was before. I'd still like to try to lose weight, but I'm going to set a different goal weight--one that is more attainable and flexible. After thinking about it, I'd like my new goal to be between 135 and 145. That's a big 10-pound swing, and I like that. I feel like I won't be upset for gaining a few pounds here and there.

Here is my first Wednesday Weigh-In in a very long time. I'm not going to feel ashamed or feel the need to explain anything. I'm not going to talk about how much I've gained or how my clothes don't fit. This is simply what my scale says when I step on it:


(I actually did this weigh-in on Monday).

I'm even going to post a "fresh start" selfie. A full body selfie.


(See how Estelle manages to place herself in every single picture?!)

My first instinct is to point out all my flaws, all the spots where you can see I've gained weight, etc. But I'm not going to do that. I'm going to show you what I look like right at this moment (literally, I took this photo about five minutes ago).

I practically live in yoga pants lately (these ones are Lululemon pants that I got at Salvation Army for $1.99!) because I haven't wanted to buy jeans. When I get some extra cash, I will go buy some jeans that fit me--no matter what size they are. The shirt I'm wearing in this photo is too big, but it's so comfy that I am happy wearing it. I don't feel like I'm trying to hide my body--I'm just wearing what makes me happy.

And the slippers are MukLuks that Jerry gave me as a gift yesterday, because he knows I've been feeling down lately. I love love love them! Becky gave me a pair a couple of years ago for Christmas, and I've worn them right out. It's nice that Jerry noticed I needed a new pair.

I realize I've written a lot about this kind of stuff lately (not clothing, but weight gain/loss/plans to lose/etc), so I'll keep it short. But I basically wanted to write this as a "coming out" post--I weigh 165.8 pounds and I'm not ashamed to post it. Hell, I don't even feel anxious about what people will say! I wanted to post a current full body photo, too, because I never do anymore.

You can expect to see weigh-ins every Wednesday, because I still want to lose weight and I'm not ashamed to post it anymore. My main plan right now is to do what I can that will make me happier. Because I am not in a very happy place right now (fucking bipolar disorder!), I would like to do what feels best for ME.

I'm hoping to write more on my blog (I know I'm always saying that) but I do have some posts in the works. A chalkboard clock tutorial, for one, and my kitchen and living room makeover reveals. More about how sobriety is affecting me (it's been 58 days). I've been posting a lot of recipes lately--I'm working on getting all of them moved over from my previous blog to here, so you can expect to see more of those.

I was going to apologize for that, but I realize I have no reason to apologize--it's my blog! Haha.

I will definitely post more about mental health--my struggle has been really bad lately. However, my brother-in-law, Shawn, called me a few days ago and we talked about our anxiety issues (he's really the only one in my life truly just "gets it"). It was really helpful to talk to him, and I hope to see him in person sometime soon. Maybe I'll road trip to Chicago when the weather is clear!

And there I go, on a tangent again ;)  Be well, Friends. And may we all find happiness and peace with ourselves together!


32 comments:

  1. Keeping it real as always. Thank you for all your honesty. You have inspired me more than you know over the years. I did a flip book of videos last year because of yours. You just never know who is struggling and is just exactly where you are too. However, you express is so much better. Let’s just keep marching! March is the perfect month for happiness

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  2. I love your honesty and your approach. Losing weight is a never-ending roller coaster full of ups and downs, as I well know. The important thing is to recognize where you are at any given time, acknowledge it, and move on from there. You've got this!

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  3. I'm glad to see that you are back and doing what is best for you. I went back to WW again myself...and have gained back all that I lost and then some. I have to say that tne new plan is much better than the old one. I am encouraged by the fact that I have lost 15 lbs in 6 weeks. Not a huge loss but the scale is going down again. This is life...like it or not. Be good to yourself Katie. You matter.

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  4. Kuddos to you! Im so glad you're smiling in your picture. I wish you nothing but health and happiness!

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  5. Thank you SO much for your post! I lost over 100 pounds about 20 years ago and kept about 70 lbs off until four years ago. At that time I turned forty and started to have major stress in my job as an elementary classroom teacher. I have gained all but about 20 lbs back but I am ready to "start again" with a new normal! I love to run and still do this every morning despite the weight gain and LOVE your posts!!! Thanks again! Looking forward to following your journey as I go on my own journey toward my new happy place. :)

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  6. This blog really resonated with me! Thank you. You are an amazing person! I suffer from SAD, anxiety, and depression and as a fellow Michigander this has been an extra tough winter. So cold, so snowy. I feel like it certainly has been a challenge to work on weight loss and continue running when some days it's near impossible to be active outside. I feel like when spring comes, it will be much easier to stay on track with running and weight loss!!!

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  7. Thats great. You look great in the photo. You have to accept where you are NOW and in my opinion you are in a good place now. You posted that when you were young you 'hid' because of your weight and you wish you had not. So don't now which is exactly what you are saying. You are the only one who can make you happy but take as much help as you can. I can 'solve' anyone elses problems in words easily but of course its just words and means nothing. Solving my own problems is much harder because I actually have to do it. Accepting where I really am 'at' and getting of my arse and doing something (anything really) is always my first step. Good luck and determination to you!

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  8. So proud of you!! Weight maintenance is truly the hardest part of a weight loss journey!! And you are bravely showing us about the ups and downs!! Keep doing you!! You got this!!

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  9. Big hugs to you on this next journey. We all appreciate the coming out. It is real life, no longer hiding behind non-posts. Posts like this and this next journey will help so many people!

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  10. Cheers to a fresh start! That picture of you is ADORABLE! I have LOVED the recipes and the home makeover posts. But after seeing the new picture I realized how much I've missed seeing your beautiful face! Love your blog!

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  11. Thank you for posting the "before" picture of yourself. I needed to see how healthy (good) you look to appreciate how I look. I too am about the same weight as you and I often visualize myself so much different. This was such a great reminder that we are our own worse critics. I would never tell you the things I tell myself, because they would not be true. I am going to take this challenge with you because I also want to lose weight, but more then that I want contentment and happiness in my life. Please continue to give us the real you, whenever you do it helps so many people. Thank you.

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  12. I'm so glad you're doing this! When I gain weight I do the same things: avoid pictures, social gatherings, etc. I feel ashamed if I gain as little as 10 pounds! The thing is most people don't notice if I gain 10 or even 20 pounds (which I did last year).

    I took charge of my weight gain, just like you have, and I owned it. I began my journey to get back to a reasonable goal in mid-December. My starting weight was 175. I'm now down to 162. I'm 5"7" so I would like to get back to around 150, but, also like you, I'm fine with a range of 145-155. I know this is a long response, and I'm not trying to make it about me. I want you to know that you're not alone! We all have struggles. I'm so thankful to you that you're willing to put yourself out there. It helps so many people.

    Also, you look great. I know you don't feel great (I felt the same way when people would tell me I looked good at 175), but you really do look beautiful! Keep it up sister!

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  13. Love this Katie and love you! I'm right there with in regards to starting over. I commented on your Facebook post so I won't ramble too much of my thoughts again ;) But I'm so excited to follow along with you!

    Also, I LOVE when you post recipes!! I always check your blog for dinner ideas because I love that your recipes are typically no fuss and easy to make for a busy weekenight!

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  14. You are amazing and beautiful!

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  15. I am struggling with my weight currently as well. I have not been at it as long as you, but I am up. My goal is the same as yours 135-145. I am currently sitting at 155, but that is up about 7 lbs from before Christmas. I was sidelined for awhile with an injury and am still in PT, but working my way back to my normal workouts. I just keep losing and gaining the same 5 lbs. We are in this together!!! I need to run more as well. I have another St. Jude Run in August....it is a relay of over 80 miles....and since it has been SO freaking cold, I have not been keeping up with running. So---let's knock this out of the park. We both know that we CAN do this, so let's get it going!!! Feel free to reach out to me if you ever feel the need. I feel like we have a lot in common.

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  16. I'm sure it took a lot of courage to post this! I'm glad you did, I struggle with this too--wanting to do the things I know make me healthier, but not having the motivation. I blame the urge to hibernate, especially when it's been so cold! I hope you also know you are worthy and deserving just as you are, but I get wanting to make changes, too. :)

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  17. You can do anything you put your mind to Katie! I am sure of it!!!!

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  18. Thanks for writing this! I always see myself so giant when i've gained and its nice to see others struggling with the same things. Not that anyone on the internet opinions matter, but I think you look fantastic! Lululemon paints for $1.99, i'm dying.

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  19. You look adorable and beautiful.
    Believe me, I know very well the shame and self-doubt. I'm working on leaving that behind lately, too. My worth should not be based on my body's shape or size! And yet - it is. Both for the world, and for me in my own head and heart, but I want that to be different, at least for myself.
    Here's to more happiness, more self-worth, more self-love, and leaving the shame behind. <3

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  20. as you know and have often said - the stats are against you - most people who lose a lot of weight tend to gain it back. you are still sooooooooooo much healthier than where you started and have kept off a pretty significant amount of weight, even at your current weight. you should feel proud of yourself! i know it is hard to focus on the gained weight and disliking how you look in pictures - i've been there too. i've always been inspired by your blog and how you approach weight loss by making changes that you can stick with and figuring out what works best for you. i definitely miss your more frequent posts and would love for you to post more often. as a fellow sufferer of anxiety and depression, i can relate so well to most things you post and it really helps me get through tough days. hang in there and good luck!

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  21. *love* this post! Love the mindset that you are going to do it and do it for reasons other than other people's expectations! Forget what other people think! You've got this! Jerry is a keeper :D Everyone needs a husband and best friend who truly "gets" them and knows what to do to encourage them!

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  22. Way to go Katie! I think you look beautiful. But it's all about confidence. I struggle with weight and also with anxiety and it all is just hard. No great advice but I think it's awesome that you are sharing your weight to diminish your own shame and stigma. Of course none of us judge you but it's all about what's going on for you.

    Wishing you all the best! And hoping you will post often. Your writing really resonates.

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  23. Same here... felt really good at 168 pounds and today i'm at 195. I only fit into a few pants and my shirts are tight (like bad tight). I also could use a fresh start but so hard to get that motivation rolling.

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  24. You look beautiful and happy! Thank you for being real with all of us. You are so inspiring. Keep on keeping on and may the force be with you...

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  25. Hi Katie, I have followed you for many years but have never commented. Today is a great day to comment: you look great! We are hyper focussed on our flaws. Other people are not nearly as aware of them. Because others are hyper focussed on their own flaws:) I love your blog. Yours is the only one I have consistently followed for years. Go girl!

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  26. Try to remember that a number doesn't define you. If you feel healthier at a certain weight, by all means, work to be healthier, stronger, fitter. But your family and friends, I would be willing to bet, love and value you no matter what the number on the scale says.

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  27. I know you feel you've somehow strayed from all that worked and kept you 'successful' and happy. But this post, more than any I've read in the past 3 years, is the most "real" post of all....and what do I see? NOT "failure," but instead, "Balance!!!" At last. I see acceptance of reality, life, the changes that life brings, the ups and downs of struggles being bipolar, the reality of dealing with anxiety that ebbs and flows. I see SUCCESS in figuring out LIFE!!! Your prior near-obsession with goal-setting (because you felt it made you more stable?) seems to have greatly diminished. While I'm not against goal-setting (really!), being TOO focused on goals can set us up for feeling like failures if we don't achieve our goals, or if we fall short and 'only' achieve some of them. Life teaches us that goals are a nice thing to aim for, but that often, what we aspire to will be met with obstacles that sometimes cannot (or should not?!) be overcome. This is where resilience and flexibility--and the acceptance you show in this post--begin to establish themselves in our characters. Katie, you are maturing. You're doing GREAT.

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  28. I wish you would google dona jo. I just got my running skort and it makes me want to sweat! They aren't cheap, Katie you would ROCK this skort and you could show us your pic and encourage us all to sweat it off. It would help you feel happy, less, anxious, and lose weight. I am so close to 60 years old. You're young, healthy, and strong. I've struggled with all of those issues. If you treat yourself to a cute skort, it will make you feel like running. I get so much inspiration from you. Take care!

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  29. Hi, Katie. I’ve been following you for years and rarely (ever?) commment, but I wanted to tell you that I think you’re gorgeous, so very talented (the writing, the renovations, etc), and always an inspiration! :)

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  30. Yay for you!! Sending you lots of hugs. My brother and I live almost five hours apart, so when one of us needs a hug, we text each other and then go get one of the kids and substitute them for each other, lol. One thing that we try to do is make the hug last for at least 20 seconds. It makes a HUGE difference. Getting a teenager to stand there for 20 seconds though.... It's good for them too, hahahaha.

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