Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Getting real with myself

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but I've been pretty vague about posting actual numbers when it comes to my weight lately. I've gained. And I haven't hidden that fact, but I haven't exactly been writing openly about it, either. 

I can remember the exact moment that it started, too: I was at the hospital with Mark, and he offered me a piece of chocolate. I started to explain that I couldn't have it, because I had to count my points, etc., when I realized how ridiculous I sounded. Mark, who was lying in a hospital bed, dying, offered me an innocent piece of chocolate. I thought about how petty it was to worry about something like weight when he was suffering with cancer!


At that moment, I decided that I wasn't going to worry about numbers or counting my points, or anything like that. I wanted to just enjoy life while I still could! I didn't want to binge; but I didn't want to worry about everything I ate, either.

For a while, I did pretty well without counting. I wasn't bingeing, or overeating; I ate a couple of pieces of candy with Mark, and I never felt guilty. My weight stayed the same, around 139--that was over my goal by 6 pounds, but I honestly wasn't bothered by that, as long as I didn't continue gaining.

In early February, shortly after my birthday, I had my first binge in a long time. That's when the weight gain began, and I really started to feel out of control. I was constantly telling myself, "I'll start fresh tomorrow", and then later, "I'm going to San Diego soon, so I'll start over after that." I had wanted to be in great shape for San Diego, but I was starting to feel like there was no hope of ever getting back on track.

Through all of this, I was feeling really depressed. This was another thing I hadn't wanted to write much about (one of the downsides to having family members/friends read my blog is that I don't feel like I can be as open about sensitive subjects like that). This winter took a REALLY difficult toll on me--the kids were home from school with about 16 snow days, Jerry was working every single day, it was too cold and too snowy to go outside, and the roads were too bad to drive anywhere. I had to do my running on the treadmill day after day, so I wasn't getting any fresh air or time to myself (sans kids). My weight was up, and I felt like I was just one cookie away from returning to my old 253-pound self.

I didn't see my friends very often, and it wasn't their fault for lack of trying; I just didn't care to see anybody. The only person I really saw was Mark, and when I discovered he was on his last few days, I felt devastated. The only time I really felt better was when I was eating, and that made me feel like the "old me". 

My running was definitely suffering from the weight gain and depression. My pace continued to get slower as my weight got higher. I even skipped a few runs here and there, which was completely unlike me. I started to get very, very worried that by next year, I'd be 253-pound inactive, unhealthy Katie. I've had my ups and downs over the past four years, but this time felt so much worse.

The trip to San Diego for Ragnar SoCal couldn't have come at a better time in my life! I made it a goal that I was going to have a blast in SoCal, forgetting all of my worries, and when I returned, I would focus hardcore on getting back to my fit, healthy self--mentally and physically. The day I left for SoCal, I really didn't want to get on the scale, but I did it; I wanted that starting point. The day I left, the scale read 148.

I had more fun than I even imagined I would--my Sole Mates team is amazing, and spending a few days in sunny SoCal with them did more for me than anything else could have. I didn't binge while I was there, but I also didn't give a single thought or care to what I was eating and drinking--and still, I don't regret any of it. It was all worth whatever gain I had while I was there!

Thomas and me at the finish line in SoCal--I don't think
I look terrible, but I can definitely see the weight gain.

When I returned home, I "knew" the damage was going to be terrible. I was looking through my teammates pictures of the trip, and I could definitely see the extra weight I'd packed on (not just from the trip, but in comparison to where I was in the fall). I was mentally preparing myself to see a scary number, but I told myself that it didn't matter. When I got on the scale, I was a little surprised to see that I'd only gained 3 pounds in California, bringing my weight to 151. I had sworn I would never see the 150's again, so I was disappointed to see that number; but I wasn't feeling as depressed as I had been before going to California.

First thing, I made sure to get back on plan with my running schedule. I didn't want to skip runs, or cut them short, or anything like that. So I followed the plan right to the letter, and I've been following it ever since I got home. That was a big weight off my shoulders! I had been worried that I'd start skipping more runs, and eventually, stop running altogether. (Maybe that's a little dramatic, but it was definitely on my mind).

And eight days ago, I went back to counting points very meticulously. My weight when I started doing that? This is hard to type: 154. I had gained 15 pounds from February 1st to April 14th! When I had joined Weight Watchers in September 2012, my starting weight was 156. It was so hard to see that I was just two pounds away from being there again.

Tomorrow, I'd like to start doing my Wednesday Weigh-in again. I kept hoping that I'd get my weight back down before posting it again, but the longer I avoid it, the less likely it will be that I actually do it. Getting on the scale at Weight Watchers in early March was really hard, because I was no longer a "free Lifetime" member. So my first goal is to be a free member again. 

I've been doing well for the past eight days--I haven't gone over my points at all, and I've stuck to my running schedule. I came home from California a much happier person, and I've been reaching out to a few friends to hopefully reconnect. The weather we've had for the past week or so has been wonderful for my mood! I feel like I'm starting to get back to the person I was in the early fall. 

The hardest part about all of this is just admitting it. I've been wanting to write this post, but dreading it at the same time. Every time I get an email or comment telling me that I'm an inspiration, I feel a big sense of guilt, and I just don't want it to seem like I'm hiding anything. Right now, I'm feeling very confident that I will get back to goal over the next 3-4 months. Mentally, I'm feeling like I've done a 180 from where I was even a month ago. 

I know that a lot of you, my readers, struggle like this sometimes as well; and I appreciate the emails and comments that assure me I'm not alone! It's not the first time I've struggled, and I'm sure it won't be the last. But thank you all for being here for me, even if you hadn't realized it!


114 comments:

  1. It means so much to me that you posted this. I am up nearly 40 pounds from my all-time low, and have been so depressed about it. It started with getting sick last summer, the long winter and meeting a great guy and eating meals that are much too large for me. I hope to get my weight gain under control and get back to where I want to be.

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  2. I'm glad you wrote this, Katie. Thanks for being gutsy.

    A few weeks ago a friend and I gave a talk to a group of college students on the topic of disordered eating. One question we fielded at the end was "how do you know when this is a problem?" and my friend's answer was, I thought, great. She said "When I feel myself pulling away from relationships with other people, that's usually when things are getting worse and I SHOULD be moving toward people". She tends to isolate herself when her eating/exercise gets worse.

    This thing of moving toward people and being open toward them is easier said than done, and I don't say it to shake a finger at you in any way- I mean that. But with this topic open here on your blog, I thought some others might find that thought as compelling as I did.

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  3. I'm sitting here shaking my head to everything you are saying. I'm currently on week three of being in a slump. It all started with family drama that lead to stress eating. I'm having a hard time finding my motivation to start my healthy habits again. Thank you for your honesty. It may just be what I need to hear!!

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  4. Thank you for writing this. Your honesty is very refreshing, and helpful to me as I continue with my own struggle.

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  5. This is the main reason I read your blog...because you're so real. I know I struggle with this and I'm sure there are many, many others who do. Thank you making me feel like I'm normal and that I'll get through this hard time. And you are an inspiration...because you tell the truth; you tell it like it really is. That's what people need to see and hear. Congrats on getting back on track!!

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  6. Thank you so much for posting this!! I promise that you're not alone. I'm there with you right now. Last summer I weighed less than I ever have in my entire adult life (I've lost 111lbs over the course of a few years) - I trained hard, and completed a Tough Mudder, and got a PR in a half marathon. And then November came and I got stress fractures in both feet within a few weeks of each other - I am horrible with being patient! Since then, I've struggled to come back from my injuries, and my weight has crept up. I'm back to running (I have a half on Saturday), but I have been binging more and eating things I shouldn't. I am taking back control, and while this week before my race will be challenging because I need to fuel properly, I feel like I'm in a better place mentally. The 7lbs that came back on, are coming off, baby! We will do it together!

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  7. I've never before posted on ANYONE's blog. I cant believe what I am reading because it sounds just like me. I was 40 lbs lighter at this time last year. My dad passed away, I went on anti-depressants (which I have led myself to believe caused some of the weight gain) and the horrible winter weather and many many snow days home with the kids really did me in. I kept putting off weighing myself and I finally bit the bullet 2 weeks ago. I should have done it long ago...I was afraid to face the scale, but every time I went to step on, I just couldnt do it, and gained more and more weight (hey if I didnt know what the numbers were,,they couldnt be that bad , could they???) <>. I am back on track and will continue to read your blog as inspiration!

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  8. Thank you so much for your honesty Katie. I have been up and down on the scale my whole life. Trying to lose my last 15 pounds (this time.). Felt discouraged after Easter weekend. Thanks for helping me know I am not alone and that I too can get back on track. Keep up the great work!

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  9. It took real guts to write so honestly Katie. I don't know if you realize how much it helps when you write about the same things that happen to us! I have struggled countless times to get to a healthy weight - always giving up before I reach my goal. I am working hard on my diet and exercise to reach that goal - and you are definitely one of the people that keeps me going. Knowing your struggles makes it so much more real, and makes me feel like I CAN have bumps and setbacks along the way and I can choose to CONTINUE rather than quit! Keep it up Katie - I know you will reach your goal again-you are a fighter.

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  10. Katie,

    Kudos for your honesty, and you are NOT alone! I spent all of 2013 until about a month ago hovering between 5-10 lbs from my goal. I was good about exercising but had a really hard time doing well with my eating. I really think that we never are cured of this, but have to keep trying. However, I have just had my best month with food in well over a year, so I feel like I am finally back on track. One thing that has really helped me is trying to just focus on one day at a time, because you can do anything for one day, right? Then you deal with the next day. Another thing...and this does not work for everyone, but it is working for me, is that I decided to STOP weighing myself for a while, so I would not be motivated or demotivated by the scale, but I AM motivated by the process of eating right and exercising, and now the momentum I have, and I can tell that I am losing weight again....at some point I will weigh myself again to see if I made my normal BMI goal, but for now, I am going to keep going this way for a while because it seems to be working and I do not feel as pressured. Again, not right for everyone, but working for me right now. Anyway, you have had a lot going on, but you are getting back on track and we are all here for support!

    Dede

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  11. Thanks for being so honest and brave. It's so hard to admit all this... but of course we readers don't judge or blame. It's seeing your reflection of yourself in our eyes that's hard, right?

    Baby steps. That's what I always come back to. And cheering myself on like crazy.

    You can do this!

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  12. I'm very inspired by your honesty. I've seen so many bloggers fall into the trap of thinking they have to be perfect, and feeling like they will let their readers down if they backslide. We're all human and this is a battle that most of us will fight for the rest of our lives, unfortunately.

    My goal weight is similar to yours, Katie - between 130 and 135. Last week, I weighed in at 153, just one pound short of my freshman 35, my highest weight ever. I'm committed to getting back on track and getting this weight off for summer. We're in this together :)

    I think your coming clean is the best thing you can do to hold yourself accountable, and I am rooting for you....

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  13. I still haven't gotten back on the wagon and I am terrified to look at the scale. Easter hit me hard this year and I've eaten an embarrassingly large amount of candy. It is such a trigger and I know I should just throw it out, but I haven't done it yet. You're still so inspirational Katie! Maintaining is harder for me than losing was. It's so easy to fall into comfortable patterns.

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  14. You are still such an inspiration, no matter what you say. You are an amazing person, and have gone through so much in the past few months that I can't ever imagine.

    I do live near you, and I will admit the long and harsh winter has really taken its toll on me, so I can empathize with you there. Every single day looking outside and seeing no sun, seeing -30 temps and waist high snow is depressing enough as it is without all the other things you've had to deal with.

    You have so many people backing you up, I know you can do it!

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  15. Life happens, and I'm sure you'll get back on track. I'm sure your weight (and mine) will fluctuate all throughout our lives, but as long as it's not too big of a swing in any direction, it all evens out in the end.

    I haven't been counting points for the last week or two, and it shows. I'm up a few pounds. Back to counting, and not skipping runs....

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  16. Hugs to you Katie. You can do it.

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  17. Colleen (runner12)April 22, 2014 at 10:22 PM

    Thanks for sharing, Katie! My momma always told me I'd be a lot of sizes in my life so don't get too fixated on the number and do your best to get (back) to where you want to be! You acknowledging the issue is the first step! Get it girl!

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  18. Thank you for being so real and so brave. I am having a rough time with my own journey right now, gaining when I should be losing, upping the exercise while fighting the binges. You are an inspiration to all these random strangers even when you don't feel like it.

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  19. Katie, as always, thanks for sharing with us on such an open, personal level. You are an inspiration to so many people not because you are perfect, or because of a certain number you have lost or currently weigh, but because everyone can relate to you. You are always willing to share the good and bad, the goals met and the bumps in the road. Thank you for opening up about what you have been struggling with this year, and know that your readers are here to support you as you march always forward.

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  20. Thank you so much for your post today. I have been putting off the inevitable and have kept saying tomorrow for way to long. I have been extremely down and can totally relate to pulling away from relationships and people. This winter for me was extremely harsh and made me not want to do anything but hibernate. My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks and I am nowhere close to where I had hoped I would be. I feel like a fraud and a failure. I appreciate your transparency and find you very inspiring. Thank you and I know you can do it too.

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  21. I'm struggling with the same thing right now! Between 2 job shifts and some financial instability, I'd been turning to food too. I never actually hit my goal weight but I'm 8 lbs over my lowest weight. Just last night I wrote about my own struggle with binge eating and surrendering my addiction to the Lord. The past couple days have been much better remembering that there's freedom from my own emotions! I can't wait to see how you get back on track. I'll be cheering you on in spirit!

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  22. Very touching post. Please remember that you'll never be that 253 pound unhealthy girl again. You've changed on the inside. A15-20 pound weight gain will not change who you have become. That being said, I admire your realness and openness in your blog. That's why I read your words every night. You can reach your goals because that's who you really are now.

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  23. I definitely feel your pain Katie and share your mindset. I had surgery in late Jan and was really unable to do much of anything for a month... then when I got back "in the saddle" I had some eating issues and have had a hard time getting back on track. One thing WE won't do however is give up. Thank goodness for fitness routines and running. It really helps my mood. Best to you and thanks for the honesty. YOU are an inspiration and don't forget that!

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  24. Katie, the reason you are such an inspiration to us all is because you aren't perfect and,while difficult, you put that out there for us. We ALL need to understand that no one is perfect. None of us. Seeing you going through all the ups and downs you do helps us more than you'll ever know.

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  25. I'm with you on this Katie - I've gained 6kg of the 21kg I lost at WW, over 8 months. It's been slowly creeping up on me & old habits have returned. I am determined to get back on track - we can do it! :)

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  26. Thank you for sharing what was on your heart Katie. Sometimes for all of us, that can be the hardest part. I am SOOO glad that you had SoCal when you did. Sounds like that was really a turning point for you and source of strength. I know it was for me too. I know that I can speak for all us Sole Mates when we say we will always be here for you, for each other for that matter. Hang in there. You're a ROCKSTAR! Part of this journey is the reality that we aren't perfect and never will be but we can sure try to be better from one day to the next. Love you!

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  27. Thank you so much for writing this as I am up 15lbs and can't seem to be able to get my sh$t together. This post made me feel better. I still struggle with bingeing and it has gotten a lot worse lately. It's nice to not feel alone in this.

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  28. Thank you SO much! This gives me so much hope. I've been so terribly depressed the past couple months... Between winter, full time work, full time school, and a health issue that I've been dealing with, I feel like I've simply "given up". I was going so strongly until all of this. I keep telling myself "I'll start again tomorrow", but eventually just said "ok, after finals". I'm terrified of getting back up to my highest weight. My habits have been TERRIBLE. :( thanks to you I have new hope! I really will start tomorrow!

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  29. It's so hard and it's SO easy to fall back into our old habits. This is something I realize EVERY day. I'd love to tell you it's ok and that everyone goes through this but it's not reassuring. The only thing I can say it's real. While I haven't been at my goal weight, I have been 40 lbs lighter for a year and I've hit a "plateau" both physically and especially mentally. Getting under 200lbs was a HUGE milestone for me, something I hadn't seen in almost 20 years. But I think I was so tired of being "good" that I sort of gave up my drive and determination. At this moment I'm still 40lbs lighter but I'd like to lose another 35ish lbs but with days like today (omg lets not discuss how horrible I was) it's rough to get back on track. But as you said, tomorrow is another day and like you, I'm going to start my own personal weds weigh ins. Keep on going! We'll all get there and while it won't be easy it will build more character along the way :D

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  30. I am so glad you wrote about this. You've gone through so much the past few months and I had been sad every time I logged on and saw that the weather for you had still been so terrible. I hope you don't really think you're letting anyone down - by being your true self and writing about your journey, you continue to life people up.

    So glad you're feeling like your regular self again!

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  31. Thanks so much for writing this. Wonderful post.

    What this proves is that you are wiser than I was when I got to goal and then gained what was in retrospect a trivial amount of weight (maybe 5 pounds over goal). I didn't want to weigh in and have to pay so decided to go back once I got to goal. 20 years later I still haven't got back to goal! I did go back to WW but only after I had gained it all back, plus more. So, you are so wise to just bite the bullet and go back. I have no doubt you will do great and be back to goal soon.

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  32. St├ęphanie from BelgiumApril 23, 2014 at 3:00 AM

    Thank you Katie. Because of you I have only gained 20 pounds and not 50 or 60, if it was not for your blog I would never have started running nor WW nor anything so THANK YOU.
    That being said, I acted as if loosing my grand-mother was no big deal cause as lovely (hum) people said it "she was old" (thank you people) and then I had the worst time with my in-laws. We need to acknowledge our emotions in order to go on, otherwise we're going to eat them, literally.
    Good luck Katie !

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  33. Thank you for posting today. I have gained back 60 lbs of the 90 that I lost and am struggling to get back on track( good for a week, then what should be a minor blip turns into a roadblock! It's great to have your blog and the support to offers. To paraphrase the doctor I'm working with...the road isn't straight, we will swerve around, and that's OK, just keep heading forward!! We will get back to goal!

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  34. Can't understand why you're so surprised. The title of your blog says it all. The simple truth is, you can't out-run what you eat. Exercise is not a way to nullify your food choices or "earn points." WW "allows" you to eat your trigger foods (as long as you fit them in to your "points," even if that means foregoing healthy, nutritive meals in order to "save points" for a big dessert, pizza, etc), and if you are a binge eater (you are), that keeps the poison in your system, mentally and physically. As for your opening statement, if there was ever a time to demonstrate to yourself the power of health and strength through food choices, it would be at the bedside of a terminally ill friend. Eating to please others, dying or not, is a huge downfall issue for many of us. For years you've been misinforming the public that as long as you run x miles you can eat x points worth of junk -- I don't know how many posts about baked goods and pizza and alcohol I've seen. It doesn't work that way. If your lifestyle is about health, you don't eat junk like that on any sort of regular basis, no matter how much you run/work out. Either you're working toward optimum health or you're sabotaging it. Your choices will always prove themselves.

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    Replies
    1. If you can't say something encouraging go read someone else's blog. Your post wasn't necessary.

      Delete
    2. Whoa...I agree with Kari Ann. Ma'am (LisaDee) there is a time and a place for words like you shared. This is not the time, nor the place.

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    3. Thank you, LisaDee, for proving once again, that haters gotta hate. Please keep your hate to yourself in the future. It doesn't belong here.

      Delete
    4. Really LisaDee, why not just move on if you can't appreciate Katie's blog.
      That was a very unnecessary post. Perhaps you should share your blog for others to see how extremely healthy you are!

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    5. Feel better now LisaDee? Now that you have "set her straight"? Where is your blog? Because obviously you know the right way to do everything and we could all be benefitting from your vast wisdom. Or are you one who likes to just troll around other blogs making poisonous comments under the guise of being "helpful"? Instead of wasting time reading blogs perhaps you should tend to yourself and what makes you want to be so cruel. Katie has never represented herself as the wizard of weightloss - this is only her personal story which she graciously chooses to share. I am grateful that she does.

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    6. LisaDee, There are so many know-it-alls like you out there. If you had any brains, you would realize that ONE plan doesn't work for EVERYONE. So many think there is only one way to lose and maintain, when those of us who has actually "walked the walk," know there are many ways to lose, many ways to maintain and would never think to tell someone else the ONE RIGHT way to do it all.

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    7. LisaDee, this was childish and allover unnecessary. Katie is here to share her personal story with everyday people like myself and for that, I am forever grateful. Katie's story is REAL, not everyone can set out to be these buff fitness guru's. It is unrealistic, especially when you're on a budget and cannot afford expensive, luxury food items such as organic foods or fruits when they're out of season.

      All you're doing is proving the statement, "Haters gonna hate". Please stop reading this blog if it bothers you. I would hate for Katie to stop writing because of one ignorant comment. She is a great inspiration and motivation.

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    8. LisaDee your on point

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    9. LisaDee you're* on point ��

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    10. LisaDee, why do you need to be so judgmental? There is no one right way to do this. What works for you might not work for everyone else. It's what you can live with long term that will work. Your comments were judgmental and unnecessary.

      Dede

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    11. As some one who has gained and lost and gained and lost and gained again--maybe you couldn't identify with this post but like the overwhelmingly positive responses seems to suggest, most of us can because we recognize the human nature of what folks on any number of weight loss journeys tend to experience. And Katie, while exception, is no exception.

      Personally, I like to consider myself on the 80/20 plan and I absolutely refuse to buy in in the bullsh*t belief system of restricted or off-limit foods. Besides that's no way to live. So easy for some people to point fingers...Glad you got everything perfectly dialed in. In fact, why don't you go blog about it...some.where.else. :-)

      ~Shauntay

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    12. wow you guys, I don't think her post was necessarily offensive or even meant as a personal attack at all. Let's call it constructive criticism, it's a solid opinion.
      I agree that here are many "haters" on the internet, but if they were all as polite and construed arguments like LisaDee, it would be a much better place.

      I think Katie is proving that you can live at a healthy weight, with an above average fitness level, according to your own values. If you value cookies over salad, salad is not going to make you healthy or going to give you the motivation to exercise.

      What I just wanted to say is that if someone's opinion differs from yours, either enter into a constructive discussion and exchange viewpoints, or leave it.
      Writing something like "haters gotta hate" does not add anything to the conversation at all.

      (sorry I don't have any of the accounts you can use to post here, i don't mean to be anonymous on purpose ;) )

      Delete
    13. Sorry, last Anonymous person, I disagree with you. This was a hard post for Katie to write, a very emotionally vulnerable one. When someone opens up to you, on a very painful subject to them, you do not whack them with a mallet. You recognize how hard it was for them, and you support them because they just took a huge risk.

      There was no reason for LisaDee to take this vulnerable post and use it to smack Katie upside the head. I can only hope that when she is looking for support from someone, she gets better than she gives.

      Delete
  35. I'm right there with you! Hopping right back on that horse!

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  36. Thank you for posting this. I love reading your blog because you keep it real. I have also been struggling with weight gain lately after hitting my lowest weight over a year ago. Sometimes I want to give up and sit in the corner and eat cheesecake, but reading your blog (and a few others) reminds me every day that I am not the only person facing these problems, but I am the only one who can fix me. I have to do this for myself, no matter how many set backs I have. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

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  37. You are such an amazing woman! Writing a blog knowing family and friends read it and worrying about whether or not to post something can be a burden in itself! Kudos to you for getting that off your shoulders. The thing that is different about the new Katie is that she is stronger than the old Katie and can stop and say to herself "this has got to stop!" Yeah the new Katie is awesome! Girl you can do whatever you set your mind to! Enjoy this beautiful Wednesday!

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  38. Katie,
    I could have written this post, except I'm about 20 lbs heavier than you...both last fall and now. I'm the one who emailed you about abdominoplasty and I found myself thinking..."Katie bounced back and didn't gain anything..", but I lost my mom two days after my surgery and my son broke his leg badly about a month and a half afterwards. I've been following along on your journey with Mark and through his death and kept thinking I need to comment to let you know I feel your pain.

    So, here I am ... I feel your pain and you know what.. we're going to do this. As I look back on old journals from when I was 230 lbs I realized I really do think differently now and I know I'm never going back to that lady again. Neither will you! :)

    Be encouraged. You are definitely not alone. Also, thank you for your honesty. It's honestly like this that gives others (me) hope that success is not out of reach; it's available to normal, everyday women like ourselves.

    Have a good day!!! *hug*

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  39. Thanks for being so honest Katie, I have been going through the same thing since February. We all have these struggles. I love that you have been sharing your food journals and your journey with Weight Watchers. Your are such an inspriation!

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  40. Lisadee, that is an obnoxious post you wrote and completely unfair to Katie, who has shared her life and bared her soul to us. Life IS about enjoying things, including food, and one of the reasons Katie was successful in losing 100+ pounds was that she didn't deprive herself (only make changes you can live with). She has never misinformed the public about anything--she has simply shared her personal journey. I weigh 124 pounds, I run, walk, swim or bike every day, and yes, Snickers bars, ice cream, cake, and COOKIES are part of my daily life too. Katie, thanks for sharing and I hope you can ignore the very few people who make unkind comments about your approach. It IS about health because health is about balance--not about being perfect. Diane

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  41. I started reading your blog when you were first featured by Run Like a Mother and I've been hooked ever since. I could relate so much to your post today and I wanted to thank you so much for your honestly and inspiration.

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  42. Thank you so much for your courage to write this post. I know it must have been hard, but you are such an inspiration to so many of us. We appreciate every word you write, and we will be there every step of your way as you get back to being a Free Lifetime member (which is currently my goal too, though I'm about 15 lbs away right now). You have inspired me to get more fitness and exercise in my life, and I want to thank you for having the strength to open yourself to us through your blogging. Good luck, and know that we're all here cheering you on!!! (Even if some of us very seldom comment.) :-)

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  43. The fact that you do have set backs is what makes you so inspirational to me at least. I have set backs and find them hard to come back from and to see someone else does and bounces back gives me hope. I have had to stop reading some blogs of people who are super fit, fast and all around awesome because I am jealous. Flat out jealous. I know they must have set backs or problems but they don't write about them so I can not relate. With you I can relate. Yes you are more fit than me, faster than me but whatever you are honest and real and I truly can find hope in your posts :)

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  44. I know how hard it can be to admit/ acknowledge that you've gained weight! You are still an inspiration regardless! It is totally normal what you are going through. You just have to keep moving forward and eventually you will be in an even better place than you were before!

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  45. Thank you so much for your honesty. I'm struggling with a gain too and I'm having a tough time. I see it every time I look in the mirror, but I am having a hard time regaining my consistency.
    Luck to you.

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  46. Oh Katie--I see the huge response to your confessional blog. It is so difficult to walk this path for the rest of our lives, isn't it? I too am struggling mightily and have gained 25 pounds from my happy weight of 150. My goal weight was 160, and if I could just get back there, I would be happy. I have been actively trying to drop the pounds since Jan. 2, but can't seem to control my eating, especially my snacking. Even with a surgery in late January, I managed to gain back the few pounds I dropped when I was not allowed to eat much prior to and during my hospital stay. So here I sit, around 175 lbs., and not happy. Like you, I can see my weight gain, even though few others can tell (at least I hope they can't tell). I have never been depressed, but with Du's terminal cancer diagnosis, I think I may be suffering a bit from depression. Even though I tell myself, it is more important now than ever before that I stay healthy to face this journey and so that I will be able to care for him when he needs me, I can't stay out of the snacks. They're all the healthy-type snacks, the 70-100 calorie snacks, but eating 8 or 10 of them a day adds up. This last week I have been trying to clean it up, and yesterday my only snack was one piece of diet cake. You are doing great with your running, my walking is suffering. When I was diagnosed with an ulcer in March, I had to quit taking aspirin. (The ulcer was caused by the aspirin!) My knees hurt so much now, with no aspirin, and I use that as an excuse NOT to walk much. Even my 28-year-old son's recent "diet" attempts (last month he subscribed to an on-line diet service, which sent 28 days worth of meals, and this month he is doing Nutri-System), I am not inspired to join him in losing some weight. He gets me outside to walk, or will even suggest, if the weather's less than ideal, that we "walk at home" with Leslie, and when he isn't working, I DO walk with him. He also runs and lifts weights, and has dropped about 16 pounds. These diet plans are terribly expensive (the on-line plan cost $1,000, that's when I suggested Nutri-System because I knew Nutri-System was not THAT expensive). Since he lives at home, you'd think his healthy habits would rub off on me, but not so much. I, like you, worry I am quickly headed back to 328 pounds. In the past, when I lost weight (but never got to a goal weight before this time), once I started re-gaining, I just lost all control. I would tell myself, "It doesn't matter now." I returned to my old eating habits rapidly and sure enough every pound plus some more always came right back. Today, even though I have gained, I am still far from that 328 lbs. and know that IT DOES INDEED MATTER. Weighing 175 lbs. is not where I want to be, but it is far better than the unhealthy, unhhappy person I was at 328 lbs. So I struggle to, at the very least, maintain at this weight. I bought this month's Weight Watcher Magazine and am considering joining. I know they have been helpful to you, and I have been a member several times many years ago, long before the point system. April 15 was the 3rd anniversary of the day I hit that original goal of 160 lbs. Of course I dropped to 150 pounds in the months after that, and stayed there for over two years. When I was on the Today Show, I made sure I weighed 150 lbs., since that's what I had written I weighed in the questionnaire. I couldn't even celebrate my anniversary of getting healthy this year, because I feel so guilty for having gained. And that all adds to my depression. This comment is way too long and you probably won't even read my ramblings. Just wanted to let you know I identify with your struggles, and sympathize. You remain an inspiration to me in this journey we are on, I admire your dedication to running and your efforts to get back on your eating plan. I would appreciate your advice about my joining WW. Do you think it would help get me "Jump Started"?

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  47. Katie, I am so grateful for your honesty in posting this. Reading about your struggles, even after losing so much and having so much success, well, I find that even more inspiring. You are so easy to relate to. Look at how many people feel the same way! I know I do... its so easy to negate your successes when you still have work to do. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL GIRL. :) I look forward to reading about your progress every day!

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  48. Katie, thank you for being so brave and sharing your struggle. It is why I read your blog. You are an honest example of what I strive for: to make healthy choices, to be healthy for myself, and not to give up when I feel like I've failed myself. (You haven't failed, by they way.) you are on a journey and that's not always a straight path. You are inspiring not because you are perfect or never have setbacks, but because you persevere and are honest about the struggles that we all share. Thank you for putting it all out there for us.

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  49. We have all been there...most of us many times! Your honesty touched me, and made me think about how I need to be honest and real too. I live the struggle, the pain and the shame, and have my whole life. I'm 55 years old, and am still trying to work it out. Try to focus on the fact that your weight and your size are not WHO you are. The person you are is most important, and you showed that here on your post! Good for you for getting back on track. I plan to follow your lead!

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  50. As always, a TRUE inspiration. I've gained about 25 from my lowest, and it's the most embarrassing thing to admit to ANYONE let alone yourself. We all struggle, but I have NO doubt, you'll get back to where you want to be. Me too, it'll just take time.

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  51. Everyday we wake up with a choice to walk the path that is easy or the path that is difficult. Some days it is not as clear which one is which. What seems easy (eating what is bad for us) is really very difficult in the long run. I have struggled with binge eating for a long time. I think people forget how difficult it can be to overcome that. It is not like being an alcoholic. You do not need alcohol to survive but you do need food. It simply is not easy to put your life out there like this so keep your head up and anyone who says something negative is probably fighting their own fears or failures whether they want to admit it or not. Thanks for what you share.

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  52. I am right with you. I keep telling myself I going to do better tomorrow but tomorrow keeps getting pushed back. I am running the Glass City half on Sunday and have been telling myself during training that if I start counting calories/points now, my race will suffer. In all actuality my race would probably have been better with less weight to move. Need to change my mindset. I have set a start date on Monday with my 25th high school reunion in August as incentive. I did finally get on the scale last night as I have been avoiding it. My weight gain isn't as bad as I thought but it still went up. Wish it wasn't so hard to lose weight but you have done it before, you can do it again.

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  53. Besides everything you have accomplished, it is a post like this that makes you an inspiration.

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  54. Thank you for sharing this. It is SO true- struggling is normal, but on top of that you have been grieving the loss of Mark. I hope you aren't too hard on yourself b/c it was a traumatic time and this was a particularly brutal winter. It sounds like you have a strong plan and are in a really good headspace now. Your readers are here to support you, and not just when you're doing awesome. We are know you're human (although sometimes see super human! :) )

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  55. OMG! You are SO not alone. I've gained several lbs. back within the last few weeks of fighting with depression over my horse dying suddenly, which I witnessed. I've been feeling like a total failure and bum. I'm glad you shared this.

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  56. Katie thank you for posting this. Like everyone has said already, you are an inspiration no matter what. I have been doing WW at Work for the past year but now we didn't get enough people to continue and I need to go sign up at a local meeting center. I keep putting it off! I think I am just a little tired of the whole process. I lost about 40 lbs in the past year, but need to lose oh maybe another 75 or so....but I can't think of that big number. I have to take it in small increments.

    Glad you are back to running regularly too!

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  57. Thank you for posting this. It really helps to see that we are not alone.

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  58. Thank you for posting about this. I have a similar story, joined WW at the end of Feb. and Lifetimer as well. Trying to lose the last 10lbs so I can be free again.I only have 5 lbs to go.

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  59. This post could not have come at a better time! I've been struggling with the "I'll start fresh tomorrow" mentality for 2 weeks now! I'm a WW newbie and have realized that changing my mindset about food is the hardest part of getting started. Thanks so much, Katie! -Lyndy R.

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  60. I cannot thank you enough for posting this. I have been dealing with something similar. About 5 years ago I lost around 50 pounds and felt amazing. With that new self-confidence, I met my soon to be husband and somehow gained 20 pounds back (I like to call it my relationship gut). Anyways, we're getting married this September and I'm trying to lose those 20 pounds! It's been difficult and I know I haven't been trying as hard as I could be. I have 5 months left to lose 15 pounds. I just hope I can do it!

    Are you on My Fitness Pal at all? I know you probably have the weight watchers tool but it's a great app for support and motivation and for logging your food and exercise! It's a great community of people :)

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  61. Katie - thank you for continually being willing to share your private life with us. After 12 years of marriage, I still have my husband look away when I get on the scale. I tend to be an emotional eater - all the healthier things in my house are ignored when I'm upset or stressed. I am fairly new at running and all the fun posts you have about running keep me motivated to keep clicking down the miles.

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  62. I am with you. I put on 24 pounds and it makes me want to sit in a corner and cry like a little girl... but right now, I'm going for a walk. Thanks for posting.

    http://simplelittlehomestead.blogspot.com/

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  63. The absolute best part of your blog is that you are open and honest about your struggles and your successes. You are human, where it seems like some bloggers aren't. I love that you don't just eat carrots and lettuce, that you don't exercise 6 hours a day and never have a glass of wine or piece of chocolate. I love that you stick to a certain lifestyle - one that helps you meet and keep (and remeet and rekeep!) your goals, but doesn't restrict you from anything. You are so real and with that comes the realities of getting off track, feeling guilty, feeling motivated, getting back on track, etc, etc. Other bloggers that were my weight and are now 125 pounds don't feel as real to me if they aren't also fighting binging urges, chocolate cravings, the temptation of skipping a workout. It makes me think they are robots! It is hard to relate to someone that is endlessly successful. I feel like the best lessons are learned from my mistakes. So, to make a long comment even longer, thank you a million times for benig you, and for letting us into your life :)

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  64. Katie, Thanks for sharing this. I'd finally started seeing movement on the scale (the result of increased activity and better food choices) and then Easter... ugh. There went 1/2 my progress right out the window and 1/2 the weight right back onto the scale. I have done this too many times to count. But I'm with you - this isn't the spiral down this is spooling up. We can do this! By God's grace, we will get healthier mentally and physically! Because of you, I'm doing my first 5k ever in June. It may not be pretty and I won't impress a single soul but from your original weight loss journey to your continued determination to be healthy, you've inspired me to go for it and not worry about anything but simply to strive for the goal of long-term health. Thank you.

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  65. You definitely continue to be an inspiration to me! (and to many!). Being human is what endears me to you and other "Real" blogs. Those that are 100% perfect all the time are either 1) not telling the truth, or 2) in denial!! (In my opinion, of course!) Keep up the great work Katie!!

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  66. Keep on doing what you're doing. It's so difficult to navigate that narrow path between counting every calorie/point and wanting to enjoy life to the fullest. Know that you are motivating so many people to choose healthy and to get moving, including me!

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  67. As with so many of your other posts, this one clicks with me (and others) because we have all been there. And your renewed focus and determination gives the rest of us hope, too!

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  68. By being honest - you only make this more inspirational! Those of us who read your blog, and other blogs, don't want you to be perfect. We want you to be real. You have had a TOUGH winter girl, don't beat yourself up. Spring is renewal - you will get the mojo back, you just have to find that fighter again and start pushing.

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  69. Katie.. I am so glad you are here sharing your real struggles. You have been so inspiring to me to try and get back to a healthy weight. You made it seem possible, when before I would get bogged down in the technicalities and never get started.

    If weight loss and maintenance was easy everyone would be doing it. :) You can do it... i know you can!

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  70. I've never commented before, but I've been reading your blog consistently for several years now :) Had to say thanks for the honesty. I'm in such a totally different situation in all the specific logical ways, but this still touches me right where I'm at. Had my first baby boy a year ago and still struggling with what feels like no rewards to get into a healthy zone (which I have never really been in before). It is so hard to feel like there will never be a time when we can just not count calories and still eat healthy and not gain, but I suppose it is a small price to pay in the scheme of feeling well and living life to the fullest. You are such an inspiration and I love your blog for always being honest and keeping it real :) Thank you for being you!

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  71. From the comments that have already been posted I can see they echo exactly how I felt after reading your post: thankful. I struggle with weight creep as well and seeing numbers that you told yourself you'd never see again feels devastating. Your honesty is so appreciated and your courage and resilience is an inspiration. I am sure you will be back down to where you want to be soon and this will all seem like a small moment in time when you look back on it. I hope everyone's comments give you strength, since your post gives it to all of us!

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  72. I agree with all of the comments before mine, and I'm sending virtual hugs! Don't forget - you're an inspiration for all of us, and you rock!

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  73. Yep yep, I'm up about 12 from my lowest and I keep trying to get my head in the game. I've kind of taken a break from running because I wasn't really enjoying it that much anymore and I've been doing weight lifting at the gym instead to do something different. If I could just get myself to the point of being able to stay on track for a full day again it would be great! There is always so much crap around me and I've lost my full will power somewhere. The girl next to me at work is selling candy at her desk, Easter treats all over, always food somehwere. Such a struggle.

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  74. I had noticed you've been skirting around your weight for awhile and wondered what was going on. I hoped that you were just so on track that it was a non-issue, but a little concerned it was the opposite. I'm sorry you are have been struggling, Katie! You will get back to 133. You can do it!

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  75. I know way too much about re-gaining weight. From March 2010 - Feb 2011. I went from 216 to 185. I was at 185 for 1 day. the scale said "Overweight" instead of "Obese" for 1 day. And then From Feb 2011 - Nov 2012 I got to 232 - Almost a 50 lb gain. Almost 18 months later on WW i still am not back to that 185. I am so mad at myself for gaining all the weight (and a lot more). I am so eager to get back to the 185 and then I'll still have 30-40 lbs to go. For now I just want to get back to where I was (I am so close) and then keep going down.

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  76. What a touching and honest post. It took a lot for you to be so open. You've got so much support with your readers, and also with your Weight Watchers community, I just know that you'll get back down to your preferred weight. Hope that you can remain patient as you work through these latest pounds. I admire your dedication to keeping the weight off!

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  77. Katie, thank you so much for being so honest & writing such an honest blog. It can't be easy but I think with all of these comments you will know "we" are with you and have the same struggles. I love your blog because it is so true!
    I am running a 5K on Sunday and in part because of this blog, I will push myself like I have never pushed before.
    You are amazing and you will conquer the weight loss beast...
    -Kim

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  78. There's a Japanese proverb that says, 'Fall down seven times, get up eight'. Think how far you have come, Katie, and keep getting up.

    I am comment no. 82 on your post: that's how many people relate to your weight loss/struggles, and feel inspired by you and your life, so thanks for sharing every step of your journey (even the uncomfortable, blistered ones) with us.

    You've been through a lot this winter, with losing Mark etc, so don't beat yourself up that you are starting the spring heavier than you had hoped to be. It's natural to go into hibernation mode in the winter. And believe you me, you have put way more hours in on the treadmill than a lot of us have managed!

    You have a lot of guts for being prepared to write and share this post, especially as I'm sure you would have preferred some things to be different. Tomorrow is another day, and you'll get back to goal, we know you will!

    Good luck to everyone else who is struggling too. :-)

    Catherine in England

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  79. Thanks for sharing with us and being so honest! I love reading your blog and I'm sure you'll get back on track and feeling like yourself in no time.

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  80. Thank you so much for posting this. I have really been struggling lately as well. I am disappointed in myself and everything you talked about really hit home with me. It definitely is a struggle but I, like you, are pulling myself through it. Congrats on being real with yourself. I got real with myself a few days ago and figure those last 10 will be gone in no time

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  81. Katie, the reason you are inspirational is not just because of your successes, but because we see your honesty in tackling the challenges. Life is hard and we all hit rough spots. Reading about how you deal with the things that we all encounter is what makes you an inspiration.

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  82. Oh Katie, you will never be less inspirational for being human. it simply makes you more easily relatable to the masses. NO ONE is perfect. I honestly would not find you nearly as interesting or awesome if you never struggled and just posted day after day of "look how perfect I am" posts! I am going through the EXACT same thing currently. I was doing really well for a while with building up my endurance and regularly getting on the treadmill but life and some sickness got in my way and I let myself slack. I have been eating HORRIBLY and have been refusing to get on the scale because I dread the results. I am not in any way prepared for a half marathon I was to run May 18th and I am not going, using the excuse of "we are moving 10 days later and need to be packing". Today I got an email from someone who got my name from the Cleveland Marathon people and they wanted to use my story for a paper they are writing for school. She called me "inspirational" because of my weight loss and "drive to succeed". I feel like a total fraud. I decided as I read the email that I WILL get back on track and make myself proud, but I wasn't going to write back to her because I feel so badly about how far I have slid. After reading your post, I am going to write back to her and lay it all out there. I'm human. It doesn't make my story of triumph, failure, and more triumph any less true or inspirational to have a setback. It doesn't make you any less, either. I'm proud of you. You are an awesome inspiration and you continue to amaze me with your dogged determination and zest for life and new experiences. YOU ROCK!!! Don't ever believe anything else!!! :)

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  83. Thank you so much for keeping things real! That is what makes you such an inspiration. I can relate to everything you go through.

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  84. Honestly, you are even more of an inspiration to me after this blog post. YOU CAN DO IT! and so can I, and I will. :-)

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  85. This just makes you all that more real. Thanks, Katie, for the inspiration!

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  86. Katie...that is indeed life...there are up's & downs. as long as you take the downs as a springboard to eventually get back to the ups' that who cares. You inspire people with your will but you also show with this post that you are 'normal' & that is the thing that people take the most from...life is not plain sailing!! Certain times in life call for a 'big picture perspective' of what is really important...a friend of a friend of mine posted an article on his blog about at article from a woman who cared for the dying (sorry...sounds worse that it is), I found it really inspiring!! http://nigelgriffithsonline.com/blog/5-regrets-of-the-dying/ ....it really does bring it down to basics & what it (aka - life) is all about.

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  87. Thank you for your honesty. It helps everyone else that struggles (and yes....EVERYONE struggles and anyone that tells you otherwise is lying to you and themselves!) to see that you are going through the same thing!

    That said.....sometimes those hardest posts to write are the posts that are the most cathartic and healing for me!

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  88. Katie, with this post you are even more of an inspiration. It was honest, and I felt like I was reading my own story. This winter was hard, way too cold. And with your loss of Mark I can only imagine. You will reach goal again, and someday I hope to join you at goal again as well.

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  89. I agree with everyone else above. This post makes you even more of an inspiration for me. It's easy to keep going when things are going well, but it can be really difficult to get back in order when you have a setback. You had a really rough winter. I think it's impossible to do this "perfectly" where you lose the weight and it's magically gone forever after. It's a constant struggle, and making up your mind to keep going again is the hardest part of that struggle. I've been at that point before where it feels like it would be so much easier to just decide, "well, this wasn't meant to be," and use that as an excuse to give up on everything I've worked for. You didn't do that though. You're recommitting to living the life you want to live. We all get to make that decision every moment of every day. No matter what, we'll all be here, supporting you along the way.

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  90. Katie, you are such an I aspiration to me. I read your blog every day and appreciate how real and honest you are. Life is just hard sometimes. You will get back on track again. I believe in you. Be gentle with yourself, allow your hurts to heal and know tommorrow is a new day! You can do it!!!

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  91. Katie,
    I congratulate you for getting right back on your plan as best as you can today. Just take one day, one meal, one snack, one run at a time. I think it is important to know that sometimes our plans get changed by God (or our Higher Power). Maybe Mark needed to see you enjoy that piece of chocolate. I am guessing it helped him more than it hurt you. Considering all the other obligations you were feeling this winter, I think you should pat yourself on the back for not gaining more than you did. When you are used to having your day to yourself and winter school closings interfere with that, when a dear friend is ill, when the weather is unbearable for days on end, it is amazing that you were able to just keep some semblance of normal.
    You did more for me this winter than you'll ever know. I thought of my little brother who lost his life at 26 to leukemia. That was a sadness I kept pushing down because it was too hard to think about. Your sharing helped me to heal so thank you.
    I along with many readers owe you many thanks for writing real so we don't feel so alone in our struggle.
    Pat

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  92. Hey! Thanks for your honesty in this post. As someone managing depression, it means a lot to me that you are writing openly about it. If I can offer any positive words it would be this: the difference between now and and when you were at you peak weight is that now you are sharing your story with a community. Your words, your story are helping so many other people make positive choices. Please know that you mean so much to so many of us.

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  93. Oh Katie, I feel like I could have written this post. Everyone feels like this sometimes. My favorite quote is:

    "Being overweight is hard, losing weight is hard, maintaining a healthy weight is hard.....pick your hard"

    You'll get back on track and you'll feel amazing again. We're all behind you!

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  94. Just came across this blog and it feels so real and meaningful in comparison to the shallowness of mine! I don't struggle too much with my weight - I'm very fortunate, but I do understand that feeling you're talking about. My family all struggle with eating and weight and it's hard to watch. I want to help (control) them and ensure they do what will make them happy but I haven't got that power (nor do I want that responsibility)

    It looks like you have a lot of power my friend. Please keep going and being this brave. It doesn't really matter what you look like - just do what makes you the happiest.

    Sophie X

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  95. Katie, you impress me every day with your ability to be REAL, both in life and on your blog. I have EVERY faith that you will get back to where you want to be!!

    This winter was hard...HARD! ("Worst winter ever", remember? ;) ) We all struggled with getting through it, but I know that now that we have finally put it past us, you will feel better and you WILL conquer the weight gain.

    We still need to go run that new "connector" trail...now that it's not covered in snow, lol! Let's do it!! :D

    xoxo You are awesome and STILL my inspiration!!

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  96. Hmmm, let me check after reading this post.....YUP, still an inspiration to me, and many others. You are amazing and I love reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your life and struggles and triumphs with us.

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  97. Good on your Katie, first for admitting falling, and second for being determined to get back up. I find you so inspirational and I know that you can get back to goal again. Well done for a week of counting points. I look forward to seeing your wednesday weigh-ins again!

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  98. Katie, you will always be an inspiration. You are real and honest. I think that is so helpful for so many people (myself included). Writing that you were up to 154 lbs and that you have been struggling had to be so hard. But I really think being 100% honest about your journey is so important. If you keep the truth hidden and don't face it, you spiral out of control. I am in the exact spot right now. This post has helped me so much and I am going to make my "get back on track" plan as well. So, thank you! You should be proud of how far you've come and how much you do help your readers. You may never know, but you do mean a lot to me! Always willing to give advice, words of wisdom, and honesty about your struggles. I hope that doesn't change! You got this Katie!!!!

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  99. I am just getting caught up on your blog today, and I really needed this post right now!! I had gone from 230 to 212 in just about 2 months, and then this weekend I caved and just ate, ate, ate. I woke up this morning feeling awful, and the scale said 215 (today is my weigh in day). I know in my mind that most of that is just retained water weight because of the massive amounts of sodium I ate on Sunday, but it felt like going in the wrong direction and almost got me down. Thankfully, between reading this post, my husband stepping in and taking away the bag of pretzels, and heading to the gym tonight after skipping the last two times, I feel like I've got this again! I'm not starting over by any means, I STILL am down 15 pounds, with or without water weight! I believe that you can do it too! Good luck, thank you for being so honest and real. :)

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  100. Kudos to you Katie. Keep it up and Thanks for sharing this!

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I'd love to hear from you! I read all of my comments, and if you have a question, I do my best to respond; sometimes, however, I get busy and forget to go back to reply, so if it's important, just email me! :)