Thursday, May 31, 2012

Feeling overwhelmed

I had another great day with Jennifer and Angela! Last night, Renee came over and met them (over wine, of course!). I'm glad that she was able to, because I really wanted her and Jessica to meet the people I've been talking about (and will be talking about for months to come).

This morning, after I got the kids off to school, I went over to my mom's and we chatted over coffee for a little bit. They suggested getting some footage of Jessica and I running together, since we trained for the marathon together. So Jessica came over and we all walked down the road to film.

We just did a few shots of Jessica and I running, and I talked a little bit about our training. A very simple day today ;) Then we headed out to lunch. I really wanted to take Jennifer and Angela to La Pita--since everyone who tries it LOVES it--so that's where we went. I got my usual, which you've seen on the blog a thousand times...

The chicken kabob with hummus, garlic sauce, rice, salad, and (of course) warm pitas. When I start to feel full, I always tell myself, "Just one more bite." But it's just so good that I can't help eating more and more! I ate almost everything on my plate today.

After lunch, Jennifer and Angela came with me to pick up the kids from the bus stop. Angela brought the camera to film some "everyday stuff" that I do, but my life is seriously SOOO boring. I feel bad that they don't have much to film. We chatted at my house for a little while and then it was time for the kids' baseball practice, so Jennifer and Angela came along.

I was feeling really guilty for being such a boring hostess, but Noah and Eli's practices were at two different schools, so my dad couldn't take over for today--I had to take Eli to practice while he stayed with Noah. Jennifer and Angela stayed at the practice for about 20 minutes and then left to go work with the footage they'd gotten over the past two days.

At baseball practice, Eli was extremely excited for his turn to bat. On Tuesday, he'd gotten three hits to the outfield, and he was really proud of that. Today, he was hoping to repeat that. When it was his turn, he hit the first ball just past the pitcher. The second one was really short, just a few yards in front of him. I could tell he was discouraged, and I saw him get really determined for his third hit.

He smoked the ball HARD--right into the pitcher's eye. It seriously hit him square in the eye, poor kid. He was crying, and ran over to his dad. All the parents were worried about the kid who was hit, and Eli wasn't really sure if he could be excited about his hit or not. I had him apologize to the boy, but I told him that he had a great hit.

When Eli was practicing, I got this really horrible feeling of being overwhelmed--it was like a blanket just draped over my shoulders, weighing me down. I'm feeling so guilty--like I'm neglecting everyone in my life. I feel like a bad wife, a bad mother, and a bad friend. I've barely seen Jerry lately, my parents have had to help out with watching my kids way too much recently, and I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends because all of this stuff going on with ME (my blog; Fitness magazine; The Ragnar Relay project and documentary; the marathon).

Renee is applying for a new job, and I was looking forward to hearing about it, but I forgot to ask her about it last night over wine, and I feel bad about that. I know that all of this is just my depression going through a bad spell right now, but I really hate this feeling. And of course, the lump in my throat is back. Jerry is off work tomorrow and Saturday, so I'm going to try and spend some quality time with him, as well as do something fun with the kids.

The kids have been really cute lately, which makes me feel even worse. Eli keeps asking me if he can get his ears pierced, hahaha. I didn't tell him no, but I really hope he changes his mind! I think I will buy him magnetic ones. ;)  My mom told me another funny thing he said--he asked my mom if penises have bones. I cracked up at that one. Tomorrow is their last day of school. I can't believe how fast they are growing!

24 comments:

  1. I can truly say I understand how you feel lately. I feel like I have really bad "mom guilt." I have been trying to get out to exercise, working finishing my masters (school 3 nights a week), tutoring and trying to keep my house together. I feel like my kids are missing me and are suffering because of my choices... however, a dear friend of mine reminded me how much of an influence we have over our kids. By showing our kids how getting healthy (and staying healthy) is very important, showing them to be proud of their accomplishments, and how you fight and never give up for your dreams is all worth it in the end. Never give up, breathe, and remember your kids love you no matter how much "mom guilt" you have. You're an incredible mom and the fact that you have "mom guilt" just shows how dedicated you are to your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's ok to have some "me" time once and a while. At least you've recognized it and have a plan to make some improvements :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Katie,
    We as mom's, heck we as women, always feel like we're not spreading ourselves around the way we think we should be. We feel guilty for spending even the littlest amount of time on ourselves. You are in a time of your life where you're finally taking care of yourself. But that doesn't mean you aren't taking care of the other responsibilities in your life. From everything I can tell, based only on your blog as I don't know you personally, you're an amazing mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend and you're all these BECAUSE you take the time to take care of yourself. Remember when you fly (even though I know how much you hate flying) they always say in the event of an emergency, put the oxygen on yourself first then put it on any children or passenger who's dependant on you? That's because if you don't do what's best for you first, you won't be able to take care of anyone or anything else.

    You're doing an amazing job and I'm sure your friends and family are excited to see you reaching your goals and how happy you are and they'll do whatever you need them to do to help.

    You are truly an inspiration to everyone and I for one, am so proud of all you're accomplishing (I promise I'm not a stalker!!! lol)

    Bridgette

    ReplyDelete
  4. I completely understand your "depression" mode. Take that "me time" and enjoy quality time with your family. I know it sounds ridiculous but you could take a day off of your marathon or ragnar stuff. You are in GREAT shape and I know your mind will bounce back into health mode. (no I'm not saying eat a bunch of junk shit lol) just don't fret. (: you could also take your time with the family and not post your blog or write it till the next day. We won't stop following ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hope you can find a moment and find yourself! Take some me time and enjoy your family!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You have so much going on, even if you had no guilt it would be overwhelming. You have a wonderful family and a great support system. And you're smart enough to know the lump will pass. It sucks when your body's instinct is to make you feel bad for having it good. I know! Hang in. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I go through the depression bouts as well. I had one just recently. There is nothing wrong with taking some time off from everything else and just enjoying your family and friends. Emotional health is just as important (if not more so) than physical health.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I like what you told your son when he smacked the ball into the pitcher's eye. It is hard to manage pride and remorse.

    When I get stressed (or my body thinks I am stressed) I cannot seem to get a good breath. I found out that I was actually getting too much breath. I go for days with it happening. Very upsetting. So I understand the lump. Blah. Wish I had an answer instead of commiseration.

    Make sure to call Renee and ask her about her job. : )

    Life will sort itself out.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Katie, you are so silly! (please read that good naturedly!!! :D) All of this isn't for you. You aren't making a documentary for yourself. You are making it to inspire others. To pinpoint the problem, perhaps it's not that you're being selfish, but spending more time out in the community than with friends and family. Sometimes I over commit at work and feel like I don't have any time to hang out with my man do exercise. But the bright side is it won't last forever, and I'm getting ahead at work. For you, the bright side is you're helping other people. But it won't last forever, and you'll be back to prioritizing your friends and family. Until another project comes along! Give and take. You're awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You've got a lot going on right now- it's like a wave that's cresting and you're right at that peak, and feeling overwhelmed. (Does that make sense?)
    I'm sure it will pass and you'll find balance again (at least until the next big wave!). Try to enjoy the ride!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I understand where you're coming from. Now that my kids are older and I can leave them home alone, and they are getting more involved in school activities and hanging out with friends, I feel like I hardly ever see them. I can't imagine what it would be like if (and when) I worked outside the home. They grow up fast- it's true!

    And I can see for me that there's going to be a major let down after RR is over. That whole "party's over" blah that happens...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I feel like I could have written this post! My anxiety has gotten so bad lately that I can't sleep and my stomach hurts. It's not something I've ever gotten meds for, although I have been to counseling. I don't know how to control it. Like you said, it's like a blanket. This morning, and any time I run lately I feel so discouraged because I am so much slower when it's humid and I have to get up early in the morning without eating. I feel like I'll never be able to improve until fall. Hopefully the anxiety (mine and yours) will pass soon and we can feel more normal!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You sound like a good mom, wife, and friend. I know it's hard to balance life and people sometimes. It's something I struggle with daily. My problem is I spend too much time on others and not enough time on myself. Not good. I'm sure the people in your life are proud of all the things you're doing and if you're taking care of yourself that benefits them as well. Hope you can lift that blanket and feel better. You handled the ball-to-the-eye situation just great, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your boys are too cute.

    And I am leaving it up to you if you want to share this with them, but here is the answer from a biologist. Human males are one of the few mammals that do NOT have bone in their penis. The bones (in the species that do have them) makes up about half the length. It's kind of a key fitting in the lock type thing. If the male isn't hitting the right spots, the female won't orgasm and there won't be cute baby tigers/pandas/polar bears/whales. *end of nerdiness*

    Hang in there with your anxiety and depression. It will all be ok and I am sure your family and friends still know that yes you do care. Life just gets busy and its hard. While I don't have to deal with depression, I still know how you feel about being so focused on yourself that you forget everyone else. And it's ok. Just go have an extra glass of wine with Renee and talk about the things going on with her (but don't sign up for anymore marathons with that extra glass!).

    ReplyDelete
  15. Perhaps there is something in the air...my anxiety and depression has been rearing its ugly head lately as well. I totally know what you mean about the lump in the throat. Such a worrisome and confusing feeling. But, for me, I am learning it may be part of life as are the random little pains and such that I have. I think it comes with being an "anxious" person.

    I love reading your blog! Honestly, I think you are part of the reason I have joined a gym and started work out recently. :)I've also signed up for the Race for the Cure 5K this fall. Can't wait!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know how you feel too. I wish there were some simple solution, but there isn't. Just keep doing the best you can, give yourself credit for all that you accomplish and don't focus on what you didn't get done. All that matters is that you try. (These are the things I tell myself when I need a pep talk). Everyone is being taken care of just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Katie I feel so badly that you are down. Life can be overwhelming sometimes and you have a lot going on. But with summer coming and your boys out of school, I think things will slow down some. Don't feel badly about asking your parents help with your kids, cause they love it. (I know--I'm a grandparent too!) And as a stay-at-home mom you are with your boys way more than I was as a full-time outside the house worker. My kids started staying alone in the summer when the oldest was just 11 and my younger son was only 6, so they learned to be independent at a very young age. That made for a lot of guilt, but babysitters were so darned expensive! I hope life slows down a bit for you, but I have a feeling with all the things you are involved in right now, it's not going to slow down much. I had a lot going on for a while there, but now since surgery, I've got NOTHING, and to tell the truth, I'm a little bored. So embrace your activity and being needed by so many and having so much to do. It just means you're ALIVE!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I totally hear where you are coming from. Depression is so hard, even when you know logically "I am feeling this way because in depressed" it doesn't make it magically go away. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me a little extra during those times, and from the sounds of your husband, you do as well!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Life is about balance Katie Girl......If you truly think you are lacking in certain departments then sit down and have a powwow with the people YOU think are being shorted. Ask for their "honest" opinion. If they agree then you may need to "tweek" or "adjust" your life a little...but im thinking they are gonna say its all in your head :) Family and(true)friends are always their when life gets hectic.....Im sure you would do whatever you could if the (running) shoe was on the other foot. Yes? PS: as far as Jerry is concerned.....send him a pic of your boobs lolol that should do the trick!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm sorry your depression is creeping back in. I hope you can get through it quickly. Is stress a trigger for you? I have a feeling you are NOT letting people down as you think you are. Depression has a way of making us blow things out of proportion. I should know - I'm the queen of that! Hoping you get back to yourself really soon!!

    Way to go on your son's hit - too bad it was in the other kid's face! I love that he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be proud of his hit or not. It goes to show how great of a job you're doing with him! He sounds like a great kid!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Awww Katie - First of all - you weren't boring. Not for one minute. You were amazing, awesome and everyone out there knows it. We are honored to be allowed into your life!

    I'm sorry about how you are feeling and can totally relate. I always feel like a "bad everything" leaving my son and hubby to film! Not getting "a real job" so I can pursue this passion of mine, not to mention it all cutting in time with friends and family… I really understand.

    Chin up. You are loved and you deserve it. You're a great mom, wife, daughter, friend and I saw it first hand. xo

    ReplyDelete
  22. I second that emotion! You are so impressive and really an inspiration. I love how proud your family is of you.

    Don't feel bad about not asking Renee about her job hunt. Put a couple of glasses of wine in Jennifer and no one gets a word in. Especially when she's excited about something and meeting you and filming REALLY got her excited. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Katie... way true that you are doing a lot for others and really inspiring so many. Keep your family first and the rest will come. Don't get down on yourself, just make adjustments where you can. It is obvious that you have a wonderful support system and a fabulous group of guys (Jerry, Noah, Eli) who love and care about you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I've been feeling this, too, and I want to thank your commenters for making me feel better, too! : )

    Joan

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear from you! (Sorry about the word verification... the spam comments were just ridiculous!)