Thursday, September 1, 2011

Walk of shame

We just got back from the Holidome with the kids. They had a blast, of course. Normally, I don't like to swim, but I swam quite a bit with the kids. We had the entire Holidome part of the hotel to ourselves--it was so quiet!

I am extremely self-conscious in a bathing suit. I have been like that my entire life--I've never worn a two piece, and I wear the same suit until it falls apart because I hate shopping for new ones. I had a size 24 suit until Spring 2010, when it was so baggy that it was falling off of me, so I bought a size 10 one (which is now pretty baggy, but it'll do). I only swim once or twice a year--I just don't like it that much. And I've ALWAYS hated wearing a bathing suit in public.

So anyway, having the Holidome to ourselves made me less self-conscious enough to wear a bathing suit--I even walked from our room all the way to the pool in just my suit and flip flops, because nobody was around. Here is where the "walk of shame" comes in. Apparently there was some sort of bachelor party going on in the hotel, and while we were swimming with the kids, a TON of guys (about my age, maybe early 30's) went over by the ping pong tables and set up a bean bag toss game. They were drinking beer and having a good time.

The only way to get back to my room was to walk past them. In my fucking bathing suit.

Jerry and the boys were still in the pool, but I was done and wanted to change into some clothes. So my worst nightmare came true--I walked past about 20 guys in nothing but a bathing suit. My face felt like it was on fire, I was so self-conscious. I felt every jiggle of my thighs and arms. But I made it to the room and changed and it was over. I don't know what I expected--that they would stone me for burning the memory of me in a bathing suit into their brain?!

I slept absolutely horribly last night. The pillows were a mile high and my neck was hurting from it. I finally fell asleep around 4 AM, and then was wide awake at 6. I went to the hotel gym and ran 4 miles on the (old and clunky) treadmill. It was the first time I'd ever been in front of a mirror while running, and it was actually really cool to see. I think I looked pretty good :) 

I was SO tempted to say "screw it" and eat whatever I wanted--candy from the vending machines, beer from the bar, order pizza for dinner.  It's so easy just to say "I'll start over tomorrow". But I really want to take off as much weight as possible before Sarah's wedding (and before my possible tummy tuck), so I stuck with the plan I made before I left. A bagel with cream cheese from Panera for dinner; and then I had enough calories leftover to have a single-serve container of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia. Totally worth passing over candy and pizza!!

photo source

I'm so glad that I didn't cave in to the vending machine candy. I don't know why I wanted it so bad! I had to pass it every time I went into the Holidome from our room.
Anyway, I've written the entry on wine that I promised, so I'll post that tomorrow. Today I plan on lying around all day... I'm SO TIRED from my lack of sleep last night.


  1. Happy September! I know the walk in which you speak- walking past the skateboarders at my library always gives me angst. The thing is I still think I look like the 230 pound, 5' tall woman, and I'm NOT her anymore. I try and remember the quote I heard (I think it was on good ole' Dr. Phil) by Eleanor Rossevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of you if you realized how seldom they do."

    I finally bought myself a new bathing suit this year. I think the last one I bought was in 2005. Anyway, I wore the new one twice and hopefully by the time I wear it again next year I'll need another new one!

    No pictures of the kids in the water park?

  2. I hate shopping for bathing suits, jeans, and bras. I keep my bathing suits forever too. With jeans it is so hard to find a good fit and with bras I always have to try on fifty just to find one! Plus I hate spending money on clothes that "don't show". :)

  3. Glad to hear that you got through it and it wasn't so bad. Maybe after your tummy tuck you will feel a little more confident. My only advice is don't miss out on swimming with your boys just because of your insecurities. You never get that time back - they really don't care what you look like in your suit, they just remember you playing / swimming with them ...

  4. I miss the days when I wasn't at all self-conscious in a swimsuit. Sigh. No matter how thin I get, that will never be true again, not with all the pregnancy damage etc... Glad you made it through, and stuck to your plan!

  5. Hi Katie! This is my very first comment ever to any blog! Woo hoo! I found your blog through Spark People (the "what you missed in July" or something like that)...anyway, I love reading it! You are my people girl. I feel like you're talking to me. I have lost 40 lbs over the last year (and gained 10 back) and am working on losing about 40 more. Slow and steady wins the race. You are inspiring and encouraging and so REAL! Thanks for sharing your life, your journey, and especially your recipes! I bought ingredients today to try the Southwest Chicken & Beans and the Lentil Chili. Can't wait to try them out!

  6. I also really hate wearing a bathing suit, there is something so raw about it. I don't want to have everybody see me in my underwear, yet I go and undress to go swimming? It's awkward. Plus bathing suits are so damn TIGHT!

  7. oh god i feel sooo self concious when walking past large groups of guys my age no matter what i'm wearing!!! haha. and then logically say the same thing to myself - what did you think was gonna happen?? hahah

  8. I don't mind wearing a bathing suit in public as long as I'm not likely to see anyone I know. I don't really give a flying crap what strangers think of me. I do feel uncomfortable around people who know me, though (other than Hubby and the kid). I feel like I can "hide" a bit in my clothes, but a bathing suit doesn't give you much room for camouflage. It makes me long for the days of the bathing costumes women used to, hats, tights, pants, shirts...the whole shebang! LOL!

  9. I love the way that you have gone about your weight loss. You have been steadily realistic and you have many struggles that most people have and I think that it is great that you highlight some of that in your blog posting. It is a lot easier to go ahead and say you will start over tomorrow. You blog is great!


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